Will visiting a psychologist help my situation?

Sep 2015
1
0
There
Hello, I don't even know how to start this but here goes...

So pretty much all my life I've been apathetic (or simply don't know how to properly react) toward everyday situations (Long story short, I was an abandoned orphan with very limited social interaction with outside world until I was 14 and ran away) .

I didn't notice until recently that I've gotten stronger urges, I've notice the way I always interacted was for my needs/viewing pleasure and no one else. I like to interact with people as gadgets so I can get to learn certain reactions I would never begin to understand. It used to be innocent mind you, even if I didn't understand or felt for the situation I could fairly grasp/know what was happening so faking the empathy they needed was easy... and to avoid certain dramas I would stay in check, just passing along life.

But I guess "just passing along" slowly escalated to the dreaded "what for?". My boredom started to grow and grow and I started questioning what's the point of accomplishments in life or etc(?) if I don't get to feel that feeling people get of living for something or someone? (I really don't understand peoples actions in these aspect). I stayed thinking that to me it be just about the same If my life ended now (and no, it's not in a sad way..It just what it is) or decide to keep my studies and pursue a successful career (with or without a family?) grow old etc.

So with things being officially meaningless to me and my boredom been more insatiable My urges have become stronger and I tend to hurt people more, manipulate situations, take control of things, experiment with people etc... I fear that my mask I've built without knowing Is crumbling and that might get me in danger.

(Just last week I deliberately made a friend cry hopelessly in front of a crowd -when I would usually make that happen with strategy and planning in the shadows- . I manipulated and faked a break down in a class just to avoid being there for three hours...I just been getting more inpatient and cranky with having to fake everyday things, simple little stuff and like I fit with society when In fact I pretty much want to lash out at them or be alone)

Since for some reason I have decided to keep "winging" it and not die
I'm worried that some of my escalating thoughts I might not be able to control and might end up been seen for what i am and/or end up in jail.


Wow I think I made this unnecessarily long?...

OKAY, my dilemma:
When I was 19 I was forced to go to a psychologist, the psychologist at that time told me that i she thought that maybe I had trouble socializing /playing by the rules with people... after a few sessions I got frustrated and bored and ditched.

But now (many years later) I seriously want to consider going to one, since I clearly can't talk to know one about this. Problem is, I'm afraid of compromising myself legally leaving behind evidence of me.
I'm afraid that going there and getting diagnose will put me on some sort of list to be aware of?? I don't know much about this (this is why I'm writing here to hopefully get answers). Or even afraid to simply them having my legal name, with my documented behavior and words because I fear that one day even with therapy I might end up doing some Illegal acts and naturally I will cover my tracks but if for some reason the authority make me a suspect they would have permission for my psych evaluation?? (I mean if a grave crime has been committed the confidentiality thing is broken right? )
Or if anything, If a psychologist determines me mentally unstable or not safe for society would he/she actually have the power/rights to lock me up????


Well If it's worth something, I will appreciate any answer/opinion to my dilemma. And I do hope It wasn't so hard understanding my jumbled wordings..? And if you are unclear of certain aspect you can feel free to ask.