What's love? How to be more wise?

Dec 2020
Hello, I am actually writing to organize my thoughts. Well, I need an answer to the question: What is love really?

Outline of the person and my story:
Young woman studying, satisfying job, cozy rental, passion. I am a walking smile. Satisfied with life. The appearance is not too bad either. I've heard many times: great wife material. My adventures with infatuations started quickly, although you know - school, meaningless looks. However, it can be summed up that I was loving. Until the age of 18, I was infatuated with a boy who worked on two fronts, then he got married. The next bachelor - my great love, unfortunately different views on life divided us (so far I think about him). Later, it was a downward slope ... First, the ideal games conquered - tall, handsome, work. Each time I found something that didn't suit me, plus a feeling of terror when they started talking about their feelings. These ideals were followed by gentlemen of all kinds. However, they are always very friendly and I am sure that they will find great partners. I started dating a guy who intrigued me. Travels, languages, guitar, violin - after six months of acquaintance, his emotional problems began to emerge. I felt very lonely and carrying everything (he was especially a burden) in this relationship. Currently, I am a few months after my breakup. I am in good mental condition, I just sit down in a chair every now and then and reflect, pull out a pile of letters and saved messages from these guys and wonder what is wrong. The other girls just take the first person, and it's a lifelong relationship. I still don't complain about the lack of interest. On average, a boy who is seriously interested emerges every 2 months. Usually these are people from a wider circle of friends with whom I have known for years. As I have recently moved, new acquaintances have emerged and therefore new contacts. Only I don't feel anything anymore. No butterflies in my stomach, no excitement about the received text message. As if my heart is withered. It all sounds a bit sublime.

The bottom line:
Should I wait for the Prince Charming, I mean simply feeling "that something". Or rather, choose one of the gentlemen who are very nice and warm and just create a family with the hope that it will be a good person, and feelings ... will come one day or create a friendship? Or maybe a career and passion can fill the void of loneliness?

I would be grateful for the comments of experienced people, married couples or psychologists.
I know this is not a question of the importance of the current pandemic problems, but maybe I will find the answer.
All the best!
Mar 2020
I had terrible love stories. My parents gave me a "no dating policy" in school so I would focus on homework. This worked till my senior year of high school after my big brother graduated and I was alone. The bow had been pulled back so hard that I terribly launched myself at this poor girl scaring her to death. I was able to get into a high university, but my image of love was so perverted that I got a 2.1 and dropped out after a year. I started looking at a hobby of my own sociology curiosity and hung out in the streets, where I met some good hearted people, who were all political. I tried not to fornicate, but it was hard. Later I got diagnosed and realized the only people for me were the broken.

I dated this gorgeous woman 15 years older than me. And it made me feel proud of myself to be able to please an older woman. But it was disgusting in public. She lasted 6 months with me and I ended up in the psych ward where I was put in a off the streets apartment project for 3 years. This was actually very fun, but there was again a lot of sexual pressure and I just latched to the closest nicest woman in the my complex who wanted the protection of having a boyfriend. Again she was much older than me and it was embarrasing in public, but I was the envy of the complex, cause a lot of men liked her.

I got really sick and embarrassed of my older relationships and moved out of there and went to college for 4 years working at the college. I don't remember much of those years except I was self sufficient. Then some family drama happened and the endless voices started.

I was bored and lonely so I turned to facebook to get some fun relationships. I kept 2 of them for 3 years, but I ended up sending them a lot of money just to eat and stay off the streets.

One of them was a girl 15 days younger than me. And I was thinking. I just can't let her go. We got really attached to each other and planned on marriage and children, but we never had the money even for a visit. Somehow she never gave up on me and it's been 3 years and my only real goal or purpose for life is to get together with her permanently.

It looks impossible, but I've learned that impossible goals are the best anchors, cause they keep me going. It's too bad for her I made her wait, but I was paying her the whole time and ive often thought she was with other people and playing me, but she's the best I've had. And I just appreciate her.

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