What is excitement?

Mar 2020
190
15
US
I believe I have never felt excited in my memory. I've often been afraid that if I got so excited that I screamed, people would kill me or handicap me so I would never be able to do anything again for the rest of my life.

Is there a threshold of excitement that once you pass it you are completely dysfunctional?

That's always been my suspicion that I never want to test.

On the other hand I might be able to trust myself so well that life would be more like a light speed trip through an astroid belt than a meandering pace across my apartment floor.

From my experience with change I know that it is nearly impossible to go back and forth between two states of being.

I am trying to stay in touch with my old parents, who seem like they don't need me anymore. I have this outdated sense of obligation to them that they don't even seem to be requiring of me.

I had a plan to marry this girl who had planned with me to make things work. She was my motivation and I swore myself to her. We intended to have a peaceful quiet life and family and just sort of grow old together and die.

That would be fine. But it is so abstract that I can't do anything between here and there. It might be a toxic motivation, but it would be fine for me if it would work.

Also I have planned things with my dad and we have concluded that I need $20/hr 40/week starting January in order for me to even stay alive.

I've currently only ever worked $15/hr mostly only 20/week.

Jumping the $5, 4hr gap in 5 mo is unimaginable to me.

I could go all out and just start shooting for the moon again, but I know I'll lose all sense of direction and just end up bouncing around and never settling down.

I'll be an old man with too many exciting experiences that would be impossible to tell.

I can't imagine any sort of life partner I could ever be compatible with if I were some sort of big deal.

I can't seem to locate an in-between.

Is this an absolute dichotomy?
Should I shoot big or keep my head low?

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Mar 2020
190
15
US
Did you know if you hit a black hole at just the right angle you can go much faster than light speed? And we've got a black hole on the edge of our solar system. We only have to make it to planet 9. But I bet the ship would fall apart. If we could make a ship capable of going light speed without falling apart or squishing the passengers at the G. And if the ship could maintain an ecosystem that could handle the Gs. We could go anywhere, but we'd probably never get back. Unless we found another black hole and were able to actually get to it before our bodies decomposed in zero gravity. We wouldn't know how fast the projection would be and how far we'd go in a single shot, so the path would have to be 100% clear. And Im not sure if we have the kind of calculations to figure that out.

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Mar 2020
190
15
US
The strongest structure I can think of is a solid diamond sphere. But that probably wouldn't even stand the impact. No possible way to put a door on it.

See?

If good and bad are so separate. How am I supposed to make $20/hr at 40hrs/week with no college education and a criminal record, psych medication, and no allies?

All I really need is a place to live. I don't eat much. Everything else is just out of guilt for not doing anything.

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Mar 2020
190
15
US
What kind of hypocritical question is, "Is the media sending you messages?"

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Mar 2020
190
15
US
You see. The better it gets the less manageable it is.

Go fast and turn into solid light.
Or slow to a stop and make decisions.

Everything's in between.

Where do you want to be?

It doesn't even matter.

Go left, right, up, down, back, forth. Turn 360*360.

Why can't I find a $20/hr 40hr job?

I got no credentials!

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