What is behind the desire to tell others what you've been doing, thinking, or plan to do?

Jan 2022
10
8
Coventry
I don't know if the question is even worded properly, but I'll try to explain what I mean...

In the last few years I've realized that I tend to always tell people what I've been doing, especially in relation to self-improvement, but also just things I've been doing that I've enjoyed that day. A lot of the time, it feels like a compulsion to tell someone, usually one or both of my friends, but also family or work colleagues. This also happens when I plan to do something; to work towards achieving something, change my diet, start a college course, learn a skill, read a particular book, that kind of thing. It has also happened when I've had some kind of epiphany or psychological realization of some kind - I feel excited to tell someone.

I actually feel quite a bit of shame and embarrassment about this, especially the last one, and I'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's OK and I shouldn't feel that way. I think the reason I feel ashamed is that I can feel that I tell people all this stuff because I want them to think highly of me. I know I'm trying to manipulate their opinion of me, and I'm ashamed because I value their opinion of me, over my own opinion of me.

My theory is that I have always had very little self-confidence and self-value, and that I do this because I seek validation from others. It's as if I see self-value as being dependant upon other's perceptions of me, rather my perception of me, and I am constantly attempting to manipulate the opinions of the people around me with positive information about me and my life.

I'm working hard on this though, and I'm making good progress, and I definitely feel better for it. I'm keeping things to myself more, and I'm learning to focus on telling myself the things I likely wanted to hear from others, and feeling content with hearing it from myself - focussing on independent self-pride. Something I've noticed is that I feel prouder when I hear it from me, rather than someone else, likely because the thing I'm proud of is more subjectively meaningful to me, and when I tell others, it actually loses its value when I try to verbally communicate whatever it is; 'Do not cast your pearls before swine', comes to mind! I definitely feel more powerful when I hear myself talking genuinely about myself in a positive way. It feels like I'm taking back power over how I feel from others, and I feel less ashamed and embarrassed than I did when I was telling everyone everything.

I suppose I just wondered if anyone else has any thoughts on why people have this urge to tell everyone everything that's in their head, and if anyone has noticed that it can be quite a problem, especially if the people you have around you are bitter, spiteful people, who will use your desire to hear positive feedback against you, which has happened to me a lot, and was actually the main drive to fix this problem?!
 
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Aug 2021
213
119
Austin, TX
You are not alone, have you checked social media posts lately? They are full of people posting what they are eating, doing, thinking, etc. We have turned into a generation of exhibitionists. I think you answered your own question when you talked about having feelings of inferiority, and now wanting to somehow prove yourself likeable, and worthy. Don't sweat it, just keep your awareness that you need to let others talk too. Listen and think about your response in the context of the conversation before you speak. Being aware of your problem is the first step toward fixing it. BTW, I understand your excitement about new discoveries in psychology, I tend to have those same feelings...
Best to you,
Ivery
 
Jan 2022
10
8
Coventry
Thanks. That's a really good point. I'm came off social media years ago, precisely because I recognized how damaging it was mentally, to feel that people are watching, and judging, your life - feeling you need to impress them in some way. At times, I've felt myself feeling sorry for, or even looking down my nose at, people who engage in social media, for needing validation from others to feel good about themselves - but now you mention it, I realize that's pretty much what I've been doing, just with friends and family instead of Facebook or Twitter! Realizations hurt sometimes, especially the ones where you realize you're just as guilty as the people you judge!

I think that the desire to tell someone about discoveries in psychology, is partly a genuine desire to share something you've discovered, as a tool that might be helpful to someone else, just as you might find something really exciting and valuable whilst using a metal detector in a field, I imagine you wouldn't just hide it in you pocket and not tell anyone - but I have to remember that 1) people like to make their own subjective psychological discoveries and will never be that excited about yours 2) the person you're talking to might not be trying to improve themselves and may actually be aiming down rather than up, and may react to your exciting news with disgust, which is what I've had to deal with from my 'friends', who have just given up on self-improvement altogether 3) maybe it does you good to keep some valuable things to yourself - maybe you devalue them when you keep showing them to others who won't fully appreciate them (don't throw pearls before swine!) 4) Now I'm just rambling...
 
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Jul 2021
619
79
London
I don't know if the question is even worded properly, but I'll try to explain what I mean...

In the last few years I've realized that I tend to always tell people what I've been doing, especially in relation to self-improvement, but also just things I've been doing that I've enjoyed that day. A lot of the time, it feels like a compulsion to tell someone, usually one or both of my friends, but also family or work colleagues. This also happens when I plan to do something; to work towards achieving something, change my diet, start a college course, learn a skill, read a particular book, that kind of thing. It has also happened when I've had some kind of epiphany or psychological realization of some kind - I feel excited to tell someone.

I actually feel quite a bit of shame and embarrassment about this, especially the last one, and I'm not looking for anyone to tell me it's OK and I shouldn't feel that way. I think the reason I feel ashamed is that I can feel that I tell people all this stuff because I want them to think highly of me. I know I'm trying to manipulate their opinion of me, and I'm ashamed because I value their opinion of me, over my own opinion of me.

My theory is that I have always had very little self-confidence and self-value, and that I do this because I seek validation from others. It's as if I see self-value as being dependant upon other's perceptions of me, rather my perception of me, and I am constantly attempting to manipulate the opinions of the people around me with positive information about me and my life.

I'm working hard on this though, and I'm making good progress, and I definitely feel better for it. I'm keeping things to myself more, and I'm learning to focus on telling myself the things I likely wanted to hear from others, and feeling content with hearing it from myself - focussing on independent self-pride. Something I've noticed is that I feel prouder when I hear it from me, rather than someone else, likely because the thing I'm proud of is more subjectively meaningful to me, and when I tell others, it actually loses its value when I try to verbally communicate whatever it is; 'Do not cast your pearls before swine', comes to mind! I definitely feel more powerful when I hear myself talking genuinely about myself in a positive way. It feels like I'm taking back power over how I feel from others, and I feel less ashamed and embarrassed than I did when I was telling everyone everything.

I suppose I just wondered if anyone else has any thoughts on why people have this urge to tell everyone everything that's in their head, and if anyone has noticed that it can be quite a problem, especially if the people you have around you are bitter, spiteful people, who will use your desire to hear positive feedback against you, which has happened to me a lot, and was actually the main drive to fix this problem?!
I think it's just you wanting to share, it's normal social behaviour, could be you are an extroverted person. :) Nothing wrong with it. Why you are feeling shame and embarrassment about it? Yes, there are studies that show the new trends are those of introversion whereas in the past extroversion was preferred.
 
Jan 2022
10
8
Coventry
I think it's just you wanting to share, it's normal social behaviour, could be you are an extroverted person. :) Nothing wrong with it. Why you are feeling shame and embarrassment about it? Yes, there are studies that show the new trends are those of introversion whereas in the past extroversion was preferred.
I am very introverted! I feel shame and embarrassment because I can feel that I am telling people because I want to manipulate their opinion of me. I know they have a negative opinion of me, and I'm trying to change that, and I feel shame for caring what they think. A big problem is that the people around me are cowardly, lazy, excuse-making, bitter, spiteful, people who resent the fact that I am trying to aim high, and they're aiming for hell. If you're surrounded by people who want the best for you, then maybe it would be genuine sharing, but I can tell these people want nothing more than to see me fail, and instead of just walking away and not bothering with them any more, I'm trying to argue that I am of value and capable of achieving my goals - I'm ashamed because I allowed their opinion to bother me. The main perpetrator I haven't spoken to in 6 weeks, and I feel much better for it, and plan to keep it that way.
 
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Jul 2021
619
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London
I am very introverted! I feel shame and embarrassment because I can feel that I am telling people because I want to manipulate their opinion of me. I know they have a negative opinion of me, and I'm trying to change that, and I feel shame for caring what they think. A big problem is that the people around me are cowardly, lazy, excuse-making, bitter, spiteful, people who resent the fact that I am trying to aim high, and they're aiming for hell. If you're surrounded by people who want the best for you, then maybe it would be genuine sharing, but I can tell these people want nothing more than to see me fail, and instead of just walking away and not bothering with them any more, I'm trying to argue that I am of value and capable of achieving my goals - I'm ashamed because I allowed their opinion to bother me. The main perpetrator I haven't spoken to in 6 weeks, and I feel much better for it, and plan to keep it that way.
Really, I have seen a lot of bs about being upset at criticism being bad. So I don't know if really a covert narcissist is this way, but I think a person who is destructively criticising you and I learnt this in England is a red flag and so you have every right to be angry at someone who is envious and a debbie downer as a result, as that is emotional or verbal abuse, eventually someone will get angry, as that is unempathetic. Imagine someone who goes to work is dead tired and then goes on social media, and there is some psycho stalking him-her calling them a narcissist and provoking them, and go about being empathetic. That is so unempathetic and abusive, and they have no right to do that. So Idk who is their partner and how they carry on like that, but that is not good behaviour. And I don't like it. I have been abused all my life, and so I don't like someone abusive, I'll obviously keep asking myself "another abuser?" they just are added to the collection, but as a victim of irish organised crime I do think that knowing red flags is ok, and generally someone who is always criticising you can be a red flag. And there are people who use their positions to do that, even psychologists, I had to prevent a psychologist from being bribed by a prosecutor, but there's one who comes online and who is mobster and threatens people, these are red flags of dangerous people. I think the most dangerous thing in these cases is to invalidate victims, I am not going to do that, if someone is randomly spreading rumours about you (that's actually a very serious crime of corruption), it is a red flag, that doesn't apply to family, but someone who is publicly stalking you, and you don't know them, example all irish criminals operate this way, then you should report them. So I disagree with your views, all criminals are dangerous, and there is nothing wrong with for being sensitive and picking up on those red flags. Red flags and sensitivity help you survive. Those who are corrupt they sell their ass and do anything to get ahead, they have no values, so it's easy for them to preach and talk all goodie, but really the actions you see they would do anything, so my experience is validate yourself even when someone is not there validating you, you are not the nutcase, the psychopath is a nutcase, but yes, they can make you sick so best to avoid them.
 
Jan 2022
10
8
Coventry
Really, I have seen a lot of bs about being upset at criticism being bad. So I don't know if really a covert narcissist is this way, but I think a person who is destructively criticising you and I learnt this in England is a red flag and so you have every right to be angry at someone who is envious and a debbie downer as a result, as that is emotional or verbal abuse, eventually someone will get angry, as that is unempathetic. Imagine someone who goes to work is dead tired and then goes on social media, and there is some psycho stalking him-her calling them a narcissist and provoking them, and go about being empathetic. That is so unempathetic and abusive, and they have no right to do that. So Idk who is their partner and how they carry on like that, but that is not good behaviour. And I don't like it. I have been abused all my life, and so I don't like someone abusive, I'll obviously keep asking myself "another abuser?" they just are added to the collection, but as a victim of irish organised crime I do think that knowing red flags is ok, and generally someone who is always criticising you can be a red flag. And there are people who use their positions to do that, even psychologists, I had to prevent a psychologist from being bribed by a prosecutor, but there's one who comes online and who is mobster and threatens people, these are red flags of dangerous people. I think the most dangerous thing in these cases is to invalidate victims, I am not going to do that, if someone is randomly spreading rumours about you (that's actually a very serious crime of corruption), it is a red flag, that doesn't apply to family, but someone who is publicly stalking you, and you don't know them, example all irish criminals operate this way, then you should report them. So I disagree with your views, all criminals are dangerous, and there is nothing wrong with for being sensitive and picking up on those red flags. Red flags and sensitivity help you survive. Those who are corrupt they sell their ass and do anything to get ahead, they have no values, so it's easy for them to preach and talk all goodie, but really the actions you see they would do anything, so my experience is validate yourself even when someone is not there validating you, you are not the nutcase, the psychopath is a nutcase, but yes, they can make you sick so best to avoid them.
I'm not saying I should put up with it at all. I feel that instead of being sucked into this 'game', where they subtly criticize me, and I try to defend myself, and then they criticize some more, and I defend some more, I wish I had recognized that this is not a normal, healthy relationship and I don't need to tolerate this, and just walked away years ago. It's just when something happens all the time, it becomes the norm, and it's hard to see beyond it. But I'm moving beyond it now...
 
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Jul 2021
619
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London
I'm not saying I should put up with it at all. I feel that instead of being sucked into this 'game', where they subtly criticize me, and I try to defend myself, and then they criticize some more, and I defend some more, I wish I had recognized that this is not a normal, healthy relationship and I don't need to tolerate this, and just walked away years ago. It's just when something happens all the time, it becomes the norm, and it's hard to see beyond it. But I'm moving beyond it now...
Where are the people criticising you from? Just avoid, it is not normal, no, I don't mean to scare you, but really I have nothing positive to say about someone who behaves badly. I mean, if it's family doing that, ok, but other people it is really not normal, as it's quite erratic and irrational behaviour. People who do that have something wrong in their heads, so yes, best to avoid them, and of course I understand it can cause low self-esteem but low self esteem can cause depression which causes illness, so best thing is really trying to create a nurturing environment with honest people, not trashy and unclassy people with no values, who stab you in the back and put you down, as those are not even human, a human by definition has values, those are robots and are best avoided, some call them psychopaths. I don't mean to scare you, but yes it can be scary so my advice is avoiding those... and you know they come in all shapes or forms, I had never seen an insane psychologist but yesterday I had the pleasure of coming across two nuts like that cyberstalking me, and you ask yourself "what have you done to deserve this", good, trust that question, you haven't done anything to deserve that behaviour, excessive criticism is not good for your health, in particular, it can cause anxiety after a while, and
anxiety is stress and stress is not good for cancer prevention. Avoidance is best. Those people who criticise you are crossing the boundaries.

I prefer to validate you is how I deal with things, because I think validation helps more, and my advice is avoidance-prevention is better than resolutions, so my advice is avoid these critical people, if possible and don't share your stuff with them too much. Just be politely dismissive, and I think out of sight out of mind works the best. It's not family anyway so you don't have any obligations, but no, criticism is quite the red flag.
 
Jan 2022
10
8
Coventry
Where are the people criticising you from? Just avoid, it is not normal, no, I don't mean to scare you, but really I have nothing positive to say about someone who behaves badly. I mean, if it's family doing that, ok, but other people it is really not normal, as it's quite erratic and irrational behaviour. People who do that have something wrong in their heads, so yes, best to avoid them, and of course I understand it can cause low self-esteem but low self esteem can cause depression which causes illness, so best thing is really trying to create a nurturing environment with honest people, not trashy and unclassy people with no values, who stab you in the back and put you down, as those are not even human, a human by definition has values, those are robots and are best avoided, some call them psychopaths. I don't mean to scare you, but yes it can be scary so my advice is avoiding those... and you know they come in all shapes or forms, I had never seen an insane psychologist but yesterday I had the pleasure of coming across two nuts like that cyberstalking me, and you ask yourself "what have you done to deserve this", good, trust that question, you haven't done anything to deserve that behaviour, excessive criticism is not good for your health, in particular, it can cause anxiety after a while, and
anxiety is stress and stress is not good for cancer prevention. Avoidance is best. Those people who criticise you are crossing the boundaries.

I prefer to validate you is how I deal with things, because I think validation helps more, and my advice is avoidance-prevention is better than resolutions, so my advice is avoid these critical people, if possible and don't share your stuff with them too much. Just be politely dismissive, and I think out of sight out of mind works the best. It's not family anyway so you don't have any obligations, but no, criticism is quite the red flag.
I definitely will avoid them from now on. I've been friends with this person for 20 years, but I've only recently realised that friendships shouldn't be like this. He has made it obvious that he treats my life like an entertainment show - will this succeed or fail? I bet it will fail! - and if it does fail, he will tell me he thought it would - it's really quite sick, bordering on evil behaviour. All the while he sits on his fat lazy arse, sponging off his 70 year old mother, who still goes out to work caring for people in their houses, whilst he lies in bed till 10 am, then smokes and drinks her money away in the evening. I think I'm mostly embarrassed and angry with myself for tolerating this for 20 years. I literally blocked him 6 weeks ago via email and phone, so he can't contact me. I feel much better for it.
 
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Aug 2021
213
119
Austin, TX
I feel much better for it.
And well you should. Put it behind you, learn from your experiences, and move on. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes. The only true mistake is to keep making he same one over and over again. Best of luck,
Ivery