Toxic Family

Mar 2021
4
2
USA
I have a toxic family, I'm now 27 years old I live with my family I'm currently switching careers and my day routine is studying and learning about a course online, Mom 67, Father 67 and Sister 33, I have anxiety and this covid has now made me feel extremely alone since I never had friends or any time of outlet I feel incredibly alone in life, just getting through the days is hard, Since my day to day routine consist of waking up eating, learning about the course, for the last 5 years I have been helping my family with day to day things such as menial chores but it's feel like I'm a house wife, I have done this for my whole life and it's what's expected of me and I don't complain about it but it's coming to a point in my life I want more to this, I just want more and feel extremely stuck in life and if I don't help I get crucified and shamed and passive aggressive talking about how I'm not helping by my sister, I suspect my sister has BPD and narcissist behavior disorder and I suspect my father has narcissism as well, my sister is very good at gaslighting, my sister will say things like "if you don't want to help me at least think of it as helping your mom" I want more to my life than this I'm tired of getting bitched at if I don't do and when I do it's expected of me, I want a life friends and have the luxury to indulge in friendship and meeting people my sister had that right but since I don't have any friendship or any escapes it's kinda of taken away from me in a sense, I have no car and no job to escape to, I find myself making online people to talk to to just have a connection with someone, and I keep finding myself in toxic online relationships where I'm constantly told I'm to blame for the argument and brought down to a lesser self by the person, I need an outlet I need an escape, but finding a person to be in serious relationship with is harder and know one understand why I need it to help me leave my ever growing toxic family, to gain independence and allow myself to explore and grow without being judge and nit pick for the choices I made, even though I haven't done anything bad or anything like that, things have gotten worse and my rights for wanting independence are always met with the negative first of why I want to do something by my mom, making not want to do it or making me rethink my choices because the worlds a scary place and I need to stay in my house until I'm 80 living with them, my family see's me as incompetent and it's really terrible. I get taken advantage of and I get made fun by my father if I don't do something correct the first time. It's so to speak about the helping but I see people my age just driving and hearing the motobike come through my block and I get so envious, the joy they have and here I am sitting in my house wasting my life away and I try to go online and make connections to gain friendships but the type of friendships I'm looking for are genuine and someone you converse and enjoy tea and no gossip and no drama friendship a high intellectual conversation, I can't talk to my family about how I want to have a more of a life for myself they won't understand and the might get extremely mad at me for wanting something that is unattainable, I'm very dependent to my mom that's how I was brought up so when I talk to people and I say I need my mom's permission or I have to check with my mom for me to go on a date since I have no car and I need my family to drive most likely the dates already canceled and I know exactly what the other person is thinking and I get so upset and I get so envious of people that can just do whatever they want that are my age, most men don't want to drive around a girl who should be capable of doing it herself I get so upset at this, dating for me with these parameters is extremely difficult to find a gentle and considerate individual who is radiates at a higher level than just surface level being topics and wants and likes matches to me in a way and is overall and kind and gentle person I haven't yet found that whose completely authentic soul who doesn't put a facades on and doesn't just want me because I'm good hearted person who has a nice appearance and I'm nice I hope I can find that special person made just for me one day but till then I'm alone and I'm okay with that just would like to be able to go out and enjoy a hobby and laugh have the emotions of joy and excitement in my life I haven't had that in forever and most people don't understand or don't want to understand and are quick to leave, everyday my mom and father have a routine of arguing about the heat this is a thing that happens but it's too much and it never ends, my father criticizes my mom over everything and usually everyday and nitpicks on why she's not doing x thing he wants her to, criticizes her looks and appearance, then he criticizes me on what I should be doing, criticizes my looks and how I should dress and look according to him, remember I'm 27 but to him I don't think he understands, it's not like I'm wearing dirty inappropriate clothing that's not me at all very conservative with my dressing and I always look very good in anything I put on, I know that most of my issues are very minuet but this is my life, I have no one to talk to very candid and completely honest. Please leave a comment or advice thank you for reading words.
 
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Jul 2021
214
16
London
Narcissism is tricky. I tried to befriend someone with narcissism recently, and it doesn't work out, obviously, because they are antagonistic and insensitive, and it just doesn't work out. I tried in the past too, same, I ended up backstabbed, issue is I didn't think they were narcissistic, as they said they liked animals and the environment, but yes, they are like that. It's not a big issue, as anyway, they are not bad, but yes, I can't put up with certain behaviours as I get tired physically so I avoid a bit. And I mean you could try and tell the narcissist, look I'll be your friend but there are these issues you need to work on, or just cut them off if they refuse to change the behaviours. I can't make others happy all the time otherwise I get sick, and I don't want to make people sick, as my job is to treat people rather than make them sick, so far that's what it has been, but I've gotten sick because of certain behaviours and it taught me to avoid those who make me sick. I still think it is best to let the narcissist know that their behaviour is not nice, as it's honest, but at the same time, I wouldn't waste my time arguing if they decide they want to act envious-antagonistic, just for the sake of being antagonistic. Like, it's their choice to be antagonistic, not yours, you were nice to them, so it's not your fault if someone decides to act reckless and burn bridges, so I wouldn't worry about someone else's actions. Your actions were good, so that is what matters. Obviously if someone is mean to you, you may respond eventually as it hurts your feelings, and so again, it doesn't make you bad, but you are right feeling the way you feel. It doesn't make the other person bad, but obviously you have different views on things and therefore it makes sense that you decide to cut them off. I recommend being diplomatic with the narcissist as generally with personality disorders it is very difficult to offer honest feedback, and that is why I just cut off eventually, because I have to think a lot about what to say not to escalate things quickly as if I said what I felt they'd be offended, even if it's not meant to offend but to enlighten and to communicate on a normal argument. If someone does something wrong, it won't mean they are bad people, maybe they didn't know they were doing something wrong, however, it makes sense that someone would remind them of something they don't care much about. However, if someone does it more than once, I deem them as toxic and cut them off, as I can't repeat myself several times, being that it's not like I have nothing to do either.
 
Last edited:
Mar 2021
4
2
USA
I can't befriend them without getting drained and in an downward spiral of dis-regulated which is what they want, also I found out my sister wants to become me that's why I'm getting isolated, my family starves me, refuses to take me anywhere if I ask the prior and also have been neglected and abandon by my family. I appreciate your advice it's just not acceptable for my situation and it won't turn out good for me.
 
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Aug 2021
90
58
Austin, TX
Is there someone you can talk to confidentially about your feelings, at teacher, counselor, minister, or anyone else you can confide in? There is so much going on here you may need to sort it out into headings and subheadings to deal with the issues. One fix in one area may not be the fix in another. For example, you feel alone yet live with your family...
Good luck, let us know how we can help,
Ivery
 
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Jul 2021
214
16
London
I can't befriend them without getting drained and in an downward spiral of dis-regulated which is what they want, also I found out my sister wants to become me that's why I'm getting isolated, my family starves me, refuses to take me anywhere if I ask the prior and also have been neglected and abandon by my family. I appreciate your advice it's just not acceptable for my situation and it won't turn out good for me.
Definitely, in this situation thinking about yourself is the best thing to do, in terms of self-care, boundaries, and time alone to recover, even just for a nap and eating well etc. exercising.