Thinking about death all the time

Nov 2020
1
0
USA
Hi all, i decided to post here to find out how many people have experienced same problem and how to deal with it.
I am 25 yr old and I think about death and dying every single day since july (i think) i was always aware of dying one day but i never really paid any attention to it or at least i wasnt scared of it. It changed when my high school friend died in a car accident few months ago, even that i am cold blooded i could not stop myself from crying at his funeral, and it made me think how easy it is to loose our life, long story short - since than i think about death every single day, i make up every possible scenario in my head of what could happen to me or my gf or family, or even what happens with us when we die ( i am not 100% religious person though maybe thats why ) all these thoughts does not paralyze me from doing anything, but i think you can imagine its not a great feeling and i want to stop it. I dont feel sad or depressed i think i live a quite a good life, loving girlfriend, good job , work - life balance and i make music in my free time so i dont think it is the case, however i am not a specialist so i will be glad to hear if you have experienced something similar in the past and how you have freed your mind from thoughts like these.
thanks and best regards
M.
 
Mar 2020
243
19
US
Every present moment seems like the last to me because I have no concept of the future. My concept of the future went away after one of my regular injections back in June or so. Ever since I can't even plan my day. My routines went to hell. My motivation is gone, even suppliments that are supposed to increase my motivation don't work. I sit in my car and smoke all day long. Going back to my room to use the bathroom and try to do something for 20 min and come right back to my car and smoke. Stuck in an infinite loop I can't break.

Desensitized myself in every way possible because I couldn't handle the fear of loss. Threw away a lot of my possessions. Packed my car to live in. Cut off valuable relationships. Gave away most of my money. Prepared to die with every breath. Smoked my lungs to a crisp. Hate breathing.

Don't qualify for any job. Sabotaged at my last job so hard that I never want to try again. Everything I get excited about is retarded to everyone else.

Researched CBT and many audiobooks to find the meaning of humanity. Found eclesiastical wisdom, nothing ever matters. Hope in the afterlife. Jesus preaches death. Only hope Jesus mission for me. Die for something interesting. Death is the only destination.

When I was young I had potential. People believed in me. I had the possibility of impressing my mom. Now my mom calls me a dishonor and hates the way I talk and look. She wants me to be a 6 year old boy.

... I could go on and on about all my current, dead relationships.

Self harm, locked up 5 times. Bad reputation no real work skills. Socially retarded. Identity disorder. No concept of future. Can't plan a second ahead. 100% subconscious.

The path to success requires sacrifice of all choice. You can't choose who hires you. You can't chose who accepts you. You can't choose what to do in a job. Success is death and failure is death.

Death is the only thing. What do you want on your tombstone?

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