Social Media Behavior after end of Unofficial relationship break up

Aug 2020
5
0
NW Indiana
Complicated question. But I dated a man 45 minutes from me, met online, for 7 weeks.
5 weeks we had both a mental and intuitive connection, yet 1 week he sort of let go of some communication and then after our 3rd date (5 weeks) he dropped out (disconnected) saying he reels back when things get real. He had a lot of stress related to work before leaving for a 2 week vacation an 1,000 miles away. On his vacation he not only seemed to drop out communication on me but his clients that one was crying because of unreturned calls and she had cancer. Anyways, he made small attempts at communication, but it was more me pulling for it. His last week he totally cancelled on 2 calls because of friends and then no communication on both our parts for 3 days. He returned and apologized by text to tell me he found an unexpected connection with a girl. And lastly that we've always been forthright with one another. I was totally surprised, I thought he had some mental stuff going on and was giving him space.

Since its never happened before in my 28 years of dating, I asked if we were breaking communication. He said he doesn't unless someone has done something egregious. I told him I felt we were still friends & didn't know what this would look like, but there would be nothing beyond a hug (I'm a christian and he claims to be, so really that's all he got out of me by our last date. More me setting the boundaries than him). So I wished him well with him, blessings and this new relationship - being that we were exploring if we would be a good long term match/marriage & never official. He left with saying friendship still involves talking, or something like that.

Immediately he began liking my post on social media, that maybe he'd neglected 3 days before. And after, those of shared interest or any photo of me. I had unfollowed him immediately and didn't see anything on his page till 2 months later. He also made comments on post more than he did when we dated. I was frugal about his page when we were dating in case things didn't work out. So two months later i decided to "take a break" so he can't see my post, mentally I've had a hard time moving on even though I'm busy with many outside things and even have a few dates lined up coming from far distances. When I looked at his page I had a little closure seeing the girl (more in his social class maybe and sexually overt before they started posting) even pictures from the vacation. He had admitted to some promiscuity after his divorce (5-8 women) its been 1 year and 1 year separation. and said he wanted to change that because he didn't realize the emotional attachment women have.

One thing I did to bring closure is an activity we had discussed doing together. Interestingly I had done that activity in his town before with a friend some years before and decided to do it. And I'm sure he was confused since I was 2 minutes from his house. When I looked at his page the other day I noticed he had done the same with the girl 1,000 miles away, paying for all her expenses and the sister too and buying matching clothes (money isn't an issue for him, privileged background). He also took her on a friends yacht (my suggestion) we were thinking of doing.And one of the poses on a sand dune looks similar to one I did on a sand dune right before our last date. She's the one tagging, but he's done one post that was of her in his town. He's even posted something about a lost kid that is in a city near me. And then he did a surprise visit last weekend to see her. His mom is the only one to comment. He's in an official capacity for his town and owns two businesses. He seemed to be unsure how this relationship was going to work because of the distance and he thought it was weird that I was going to have a date with someone over 500 miles. So now the only thing he can like is my profile photo (which is usually flowers) or background (usually landscapes), which he has been. I even laid low for 2 weeks by not posting before taking a break. So yes, this is a long question, but what does this behavior on social media mean?

1.) wiping away guilt
2.) trying to get me to like his page - ego
3.) his idea of friendship (I'm the only girl that has not broken off communication after dating)
4.) Wants to see me miserable (life has gone on like it was before with no interruptions or anyone noticing according to the way I post on social media. Not even my sister knew about him till yesterday, just my close friends)
5.) Genuinely cares for me but feels guilty
6.) Putting me on the backburner for later
7.) Compartmentalizes and thinks nothing of it; that I said we were friends, so I'm in the social media friends category

On an additional note, he doesn't seem to delete any of his past, I was able to see his 8 month relationship with another girl he said didn't have any moral compass and didn't understand why his mom was still friends with her. It looks like she either unfriended or blocked because there is nothing on his page anymore from her.
And I was the only girl he dated that hadn't kissed him by a 1st or 2nd date (covid is part of it, but I'm also reserved to protect myself from things going further without commitment). I did let him hug me 3rd date but he said he wanted to hug longer. For me its hard because there's a lot of unanswered things, but I will not send him any messages or such. He can have his space with his new connection.
 
Mar 2020
243
19
US
1, 5, 6, and 7.

He's not a committer, or he's a sucker for challenges.

I miss commitment.

Also I fold at reality too, mostly because it's a commitment to lose control and I don't trust anyone. I draw a lot of treachery out of people somehow.

His lack of reality might be why he uses social media at all. Social media is renown for zero consequences.

Depending on how much younger this other girl is, would mean something in this context.

His number of loose relationships also suggests his fear of commitment.

Commitment used to mean, you go with your first love forever (it says that in the bible.)

He has two businesses, he might be good at commitment in other ways.

He might be an adrenaline junkie as business owners typically are required to be.

Or you might have been something new he tried and didn't recognize, or didn't have time to learn about your ways, or they conflicted with his financially necessary values.

(All speculations)

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Aug 2020
5
0
NW Indiana
Wow! Very insightful. One person who used to be my mentor said that she thinks I was a challenge to conquer. He seemed to think I had some kind of past and was pressing me for so long to learn information about my sexual past at 19. when I finally had the conversation while he was on his timeshare vacation, he was possibly in his shadow of feeling - because he had been balling out his eyes over memories of his dad's cancer and this client he wouldn't return calls that had cancer.
When I told him about my restraint and inexperience as a teenager he couldn't believe it. And let saying wow expressively like his reality had been blown. I told him I was not a Christian at that time and so of course I was acting differently. After highschool I had six months of sexual experience and it was such a fast road that I knew it wasn't headed a great direction.

When I told him I only had one relationship for 2 months with a kiss in 28 years he just faded out like he couldn't believe and wasn't sure how to take it. Usually after some kind of phone conversation, we'd text. And that evening he wasn't just thanking me for my bravery. The next day was the first time he didn't text me 4 day. A few days later I had just given up and got tired of trying to initiate text in that first week of his vacation. So I wrote a book goodbye letter privately in a notebook in the morning. I was planning to have the conversation with him. That evening he made some small talk about 2 owls he saw, but I was disengaged because I felt like the end was near. And I was right it was that weekend that he met the girl .

As far as age I am guessing that she's in her forties. It looks like she was married before and had some lavish Mansion type of property. I have a feeling since he met her through friends that he had that were her family that they are of a similar socioeconomic class. Which he might get nods from his mother on. I perceive, and a friend told me this, that his mother seems the type to hover. I know every Wednesday he had to talk to his mom for at least 5 minutes. She knew about our 2nd date and checked on him when we were on a date to see how it went. He also shared pictures of me, one of me reading my Bible.

You've given me some good insight and not just told me to let go and go on. I kind of want to figure out what pattern I have for these kinds of attractions. I have a date that will be coming up in the middle of September who has good potential but I can't place my finger on what it is that attracts me to addicts, promiscuous and at one time were involved in the church but seem to be walking away from that. He now is one of four guys in my 28 years that I've had a deep connection with.

Also I'm trying to wrap my head around what the future will look like for friendship with this guy that I felt such a great cerebal connection. Even though I was thinking of taking a break for a month it might be two months. Then again eight months might not be so bad. I'm just not sure if I would be able to handle him bring engaged.

I know you asked about the girls age but there was a little bit of difference in our age. I'm late forties while he's early forties. I look 10 years younger. He calls himself a boy and says he's not a man. My impression to women is that he is highly cute, kind of goofy, but enduring. While to the outside world he can be quite mean and blunt. He said he's made one of his employees cry.
 
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Mar 2020
243
19
US
I can't help you with future decisions. Thanks for the compliment. I'm better at explaining the past to myself than even thinking about the future.

From my experiences, exes stay around, especially the types you described.

You seemed to have hit him hard with your stories. He'll definitely remember you. Even if he prefers someone else.

As far as addicts and promiscuous types. I believe we all have a little back and forth on morality. When you get tired of it dull looks good.

He seems like a very exciting personality with his vivid expression and the ability to "ball" for a woman. And he seems cerebrally gifted. But he calls himself a boy. I imagine his business life keeps him on the up and up. Perhaps he couldn't handle the gravity of your story, which you weren't going to tell him. But I see he respects you, and he might respond to your gentle initiations more than he'll initiate due to your maturity.

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Aug 2020
5
0
NW Indiana
@jbartram_7 or anyone else that might have insights I've got some follow up questions of curiosity.

Since I last wrote, I've not looked at the persons social media page (August 24) and took "a break". The only thing they can see is past post and anything public (profile photo and cover). I change my profile photo and cover frequently, more of an artistic style I've always had, which is mostly nature photos for the profile and everyone once and a while a photo of me. Which was a curiosity to the guy mentioned before when we had our first date and he said he had searched for me and wondered why I had so many flowers. I told him it was a way to take the focus off myself, more humble. Also I do it to keep myself a bit hidden from some creepy guys that may be looking for me.

Anyways, my question is concerning a behavior on social media that seems peculiar. Thinking back I may be partially responsible, as I may have sent him a confusing message 3 weeks after him breaking things off. As a way to get over him I decided to go ahead with plans I already had in place before the break up, which included running a trail in his town. He made a comment how I was only 5 minutes from his house. And then the following week, I went camping (which he had proposed a trip with me camping if things were to progress in our relationship) with a friend in his town that he's president over. I had been wanting to go for some years and 7 years before the friend and I had been at that campground. The guy didn't comment, but did like one photo. Two weeks later he took the girl he's seeing from over 1,000 miles away on an extravagant glam camping trip in the mountains with matching outfits. The teen daughter in tote. I didn't see this till August when I looked since I had unfollowed him after the break up. And then he took her on a friends yacht (which was an idea I had asked about doing when we were dating).

During that time one of the last post I posted I asked for recommendations for affordable afternoon tea on my social media page, he commented immediately on the club he belongs to in the large city I referred to. I mentioned the price is above and he didn't respond back. A friend that had seen it said it sounded snooty.

One morning (100 days to be exact from the break up) I woke up and decided to block his number, delete all message and delete all photos I had of him. I had decided I wasn't going to look at his page till mid December. But decided to do some kind of search on my page out of curiosity what post would come up under his name, thinking it would be only my page. It wasn't and I could see thumbnail size photos and post since I had last visited his page. What I could see is many photos that his current girlfriend ,1,000 miles away , has been tagging him in with her trips up there and dates they've been on. Maybe every other weekend. One of them had a post about something that looked like an afternoon tea place I'd been thinking about gong to in the same city. He hates sweets and has never gone to my knowledge before. Maybe a few days before he made a comment on a profile or cover photo asking about an object in the road. My intuition told me he was checking to see how I was, but I'm not sure. He has continued to like anything that is public, intermittently, only things he'd like. And many times I've noticed prior to the break up and after anything that no one likes, he will be the sole one to like it.

So it seems more obvious to me now that there is some sort of intentional message by his pose at the sand dune, camping (which he already had his mind set on I think before the breakup), the yacht, and afternoon tea - what to make of this behavior? It feels like he is trying to push me away, but at the same time it seems like he wants to see how I and genuinely cares about me.

Additional last notes. Later in a search I found that she is the same age has him. I wasn't sure before based on her looks. His ex wife is a year younger than me. I hope I can get some insight into this matter without too much, " you just need to move on". Deleting his text, photos and blocking was a huge deal. Friends have told me they are proud of me for that move. I have gone on some dates since, both had to have hotels and one flew in from over 800 miles and is connected to a well known Christian that debates atheist. None of this is on my social media page, as I had told the guy mentioned above, I am reserved and would tag and post dating like his prior girlfriend and the one he has now. I also know going forward, any future serious relationship I will have a discussion about what to do on social media if things don't work out and how to create space between us. I'm pretty sure I don't want to get back with the guy that I've mentioned above (one of the reasons I wanted to block his phone number), but I think this will help me bring closure and maybe it will help me come to a place in my mind to see him as JUST A social media FRIEND and someone I can wish well to in their life.
 
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Mar 2020
243
19
US
As far as I can tell you've closed the books. It seems that you are interested in the sociology of the upper class, which is very understandable.

You could probably get insight into this man's mentality if you understood how businessmen interact with everybody who has something to offer them.

You lived close to this guy and although he didn't take you seriously, he appeared to take you significantly serious enough that it appeared strange.

What I can see that you offered this guy was a little bit of different perspective as he was interested in your stories, likes, outings, and curious about your humble flowers. You were interesting to this guy and he was interesting to you, it was a close call. This guy had obligations to his class and family, and he went for someone much further away and he stole your ideas to share with her. But your ideas were disconnected from you in his mind. She wasn't much younger than you, but she was richer and sounds more bubbly as opposed to flowery.

Now I don't really understand how rich people interact with each other, but I studied a little about business and I know it's 99% social and 1% other people's ideas. Most people can't handle this type of lifestyle because of the inevitable backstabbing it invites, which its probably the one thing that makes an upper class float, that they all weed out backstabbers and cling to each other at their exclusive top.

You weren't jealous of this guy, which stood out to him. It's like me owning a 2018 car and living in a slum. Whenever someone learns I have a new car and that my dad bought it for me, and that I'm uselessly handicapped, I suffer the fact that I own this car. Rich people love people who aren't jealous.

However it is apparent that his being nice to you and giving you attention on social media after the breakup was more of a side effect of his lifestyle than a conscious deliberate attempt to get back to you. He might have had some subconscious focuses on memories of you, but if he wanted you at all he would have sacrificed a less important thing.

If a businessman does anything it's buy and sell, and buying means that thing is more important to me than this thing.

He might have just been shopping.

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Aug 2020
5
0
NW Indiana
Thank you again @jbartram_7 for your insights. There is a lot there that help. I've inserted quotes in things that stood out from the last two post you made.

From my experiences, exes stay around, especially the types you described.
Not sure what to expect, as I'm not an ex-girlfriend and our time together in person was limited. I've had two (liked each other, but never made it to a date) reach out that I had worked with and left work. One a year and 8 months later from Afghanistan by phone (he contacted my boss for my phone number) and the other through a friend calling thinking I could help him after a teen broke into his house and shot him in the face. Both wanting to marry me without much dating after, but I finally got closure and enough to see I wanted nothing to do with them.

As far as addicts and promiscuous types. I believe we all have a little back and forth on morality. When you get tired of it dull looks good.
A good thing to remember. I probably have my flaws on that one mentally, even as a Christian.

As far as I can tell you've closed the books. It seems that you are interested in the sociology of the upper class, which is very understandable.
I like you starting off with this, as it mentally helps me better to move on. I don't want a repeat of so much mental wasted time trying to figure the connection and things that happened during that time or after. Yes, I am interested in the sociology of the upper class. He sort of initiated this with not only his lifestyle but tour through one of the houses he built of a self made multimillionaire he seemed jealous of. An awful though came to my mind I'm not proud of, but what if I was to marry a man like that and this guy mentioned became the one who built a house for me. Became my servant. As a Christian this is contrary to what I would want to think. And for a time I had to fight that way of thinking in my dating relationships choices after the breakup. I'd never had to battle with a sort of revenge mentality. It has taken me by surprise at this age 28 years later after becoming a Christian. I watched all kinds of movies and such to understand the thinking of the upper class.

At the same time, my teens (before becoming a Christian) was spent trying to be accepted by the way I dressed and talked by the upper class athletic clique. My dream was to go into fashion merchandising and live in New York city. That all changed and I went a totally opposite direction into the military. I left that ambition to become rich or be part of that once I became a Christian. It just wasn't appealing to me. The military probably took it out of me, there wasn't much appreciation for the fancy dresses I would wear after work hours.

You could probably get insight into this man's mentality if you understood how businessmen interact with everybody who has something to offer them.
Some good advise. I think I got a picture of it from what he said of clients that he had these long relationships with. Going to a party or being taken out to dinner in the big city. At least I have a picture of 3 clients. One of them he's had since 2008 and it was his first project out of his masters program to work on. Also him being part of a creative club that membership is around 1,000-2,000 a year and you have to know at least 2 to get in, tells me a little also.

What I can see that you offered this guy was a little bit of different perspective as he was interested in your stories, likes, outings, and curious about your humble flowers. You were interesting to this guy and he was interesting to you, it was a close call.
I like how you ended this with it was a close call. Very true. And I can't get over how I cried so much prior to the 100 days after break up for such a short dating relationship. During the last weeks of him become distant I was deeply considering counseling. And his 17 years of marriage, they were in therapy 3 times and that's why he decided to divorce her was that she kept firing therapist. To me, from what I've gleaned, I would need a therapist for me to handle his mental issues (he takes medication for his temper and I wouldn't be surprised if he's alcoholic since he said he drinks regularly). I'm happy for him if he has found something in this girl that she is able to be that person he said he needed. He said he needs someone who doesn't judge and that he can unload.

This guy had obligations to his class and family, and he went for someone much further away and he stole your ideas to share with her.
On an interesting note, I found out she makes more than him. Well at least that's one report 100k-150k, while he's possibly 80k. He has hardly any assets while she does. The house she had before was 600k and sold for 400k. Its quite likely that the guys family funds a lot, but from what he told me of his stepmom, she squandered millions of dollars after his father passed. His mother on the other hand may still retain some wealth. From what I knew from the time we spent together, he seemed to live in his past a lot of his privileged life.

She wasn't much younger than you, but she was richer and sounds more bubbly as opposed to flowery.
As mentioned, yes, she definitely has more money. As far as bubbly, not sure. I've been described as that. But as far as revealing more of her assets, yes. I'm more conservative in what I wear.

You weren't jealous of this guy, which stood out to him.
Yes, true. And I thank the Lord. I think this is one of the things that holds him back is his jealousy of clients. When a nice luxury model sports car (can't remember the name) passed by on one of our dates, he got excited. I said "ohh, what kind is that and how much" he responded with the outrageous price and I said in my deep ambivalent voice "pricey". He seemed surprised and intrigued and repeated the same accent back "pricey".

Thanks again for your insights, it helps my journey in moving on.