Small penis anxiety/Impotence = forever alone...

Jun 2021
1
0
Toronto
The first time my penis was seen by women was when my swimtrunks were pulled down at a party and a bunch of the “popular” girls laughed at what they saw. This event pretty much defined my life, and have always had a deep, controlling and hopeless sense that what I have is a joke to women and so therefore it's a joke to think a woman would actually want to be with me.

I think the effect was compounded by childhood issues like my first memory around age 4 being my mom in my room crying to me saying how hard it is to live with all boys and if I even loved her and she should just leave. My 4 year old mind created a symbol structure of, "My mom is crying because I'm a boy instead of a girl. My masculinity is so abhorrent to her that she might even abandon me. I'd better soften myself and do everything in my power to keep mommy from crying again. Her happiness is my responsibility. But everyone is miserable so you've failed her and all women." Neglected by dad who gave all his attention to my older brother. And deeply shamed by them around sex as a child. Even little things like getting yelled at if a woman came on the TV in a bikini or something. It all just added to the cloud. Ouce had a few nudie pictures my brother printed out stashed in my room, and I came home to them standing in the front hallway holding those pictures, looks of disgust and fury on their faces, and being put up against the wall and screamed at, forced to say I didn't like what was in the photos, my mom making 'how could you' comments, my dad yelling with such rage that my mom took a fearful step between us. Then went to my room and just sorta sat there completely shell shocked for going on 25 years now.

Never dated in highschool or college. I’ve never been in a relationship ever. My sex life is a small handful of hookups per year where even with Cialis I can't perform because of the storm of shame and anxiety going on in my head, completely shutting down arousal. It almost feels like the same voice that shuts down my erection is the same voice that warned me as a child to not to be masculine so my mom won’t abandon me and I need to psychologically castrate myself to be safe. It’s like an iron wall between me and the present moment. I try to please in other ways, but going soft seems to be even more of an issue to women than being smaller. So many memories of perceiving a woman's interest in me evaporate in a moment, that she just placed me in the sexless friendzone part of her mind since I turned out to not even be a real man who can perform for a woman. This narrative feels so solidified in my brain that intimacy is close to impossible. And every experience just makes me feel less enthusiastic and hopeful about the next time, and in my current state a relationship probably isn't even possible because of all my avoidance behaviors.

I’m just curious if there’s any hope for beating this level of intimacy anxiety and dysfunction. I’m 38. Far past the point where I’m just going to one day learn to relax with women. I almost feel like I’m not allowed to have sex because I’m not enough. No one wants to do that with me. And a lot more and a lot worse negative self-talk. I don’t want to have to rely on a woman not caring about sex to be in a relationship. I want a woman who loves to make love and for me to be a present partner who's capable of reciprocating excitement.

Appreciate any advice
 
Jun 2021
1
0
Houston, TX
I know how you feel, generally speaking. I saw this topic off to the side of the screen while I was about to start typing a post regarding/asking how come some people insist on feeling a non-human's pain along with suffering that can't be proved, just that it's how a human usually feels, so therefore some of us project that on creatures. Anyways (sorry, i'm high and tend to over-explain), seeing ur post kinda brouight up emotions/memories/things that I tend to [try to] repress on a daily basis, so before I waste ur time having to read, I'll just say I don't have any good advice for the situation you're in.

With that being said, I'm 39, have an addicitive personality and recently self-diagnosed my...self (lol) with a spectrum disorder(s) that deal with the reward center/basal ganglia area of the brain. Basically, ADHD, OCD, ODD, tic disorders, parkinsons, basically the area of the brain that deals with memory, cognitive, motor control, emotions. And also the area of the brain that drugs tend to focus on, esp. stimulants which I do daily to repress my emotions since they tend to, well, get in the way of life i guess (<---this part would be considered advice, just not good advice ha. Self medicate to help rid your brain of negative thoughts). I've always had focus issues since i was a kid, yet it i could also focus directly on something just as well, i'm not sure how my brain determines which to choose. I haven't had sex in 6 years now, for several reasons. I've seem to have gone numb in a sense to wanting to be with someone, which stemmed from 2 exes of mine, and our long drawn out chaotic relationships. I guess my brain got tired of the same beat down, yet that's what I seem to subconciously look for in a girl. The ying and the yang both showing up front, probably since I'm a bit out there myself ha. Sex has always been something that I enjoy when it's with a person I have feelings for, yet I've refrained from trying to get with anyone because I'm complicated. I'm "average" size, about 6", and I have focus issues that can come out of nowhere, I don't know what the exact conditions are. You can take 2 copies of the same scenario, and in 1 I can get it up and go. And then there's the other scenario (which tends to be more common) where I have trouble getting it up, or trouble keeping it hard, or at random (or not so random) parts during, where it will drop. Usually it's when I think about something totally unrelated to sex, or if I happen to fart during sex and laugh, or if she queefs, or anything that can potentially distract me from the task at hand.

There is 1 thing though, that, although not 100%, has a high chance of reviving the little guy in all the situations I listed, and more. You might even think it's worth exploring in your own brain to see if anything gets u riled up too.

Are you aware of any fetishes you might have?

If not, then, well I guess this is my second piece of advice I have for you lol. Could be good advice, couild be bad, i think the answer to that could be subjective really. Which I personally think my first piece of advice could be subjective as well. It's hard to say really if self medicating is ultimately bad advice, because there can be a train of events that come from that, and those events could lead anywhere.

Anyways, I've had a fetish since about 6th grade. I don't know the details of why I do, I just remember when in my life I first recall having a weird, intense attraction to females in satin clothing. Might have to do with the way my brain processes sensory stimuli...the colors, the shine, the feel. I don't like talking about it to people, even people that know about it I feel embarassed when discussing it. It became more intense as I got older. A few times I tried to calm it down, but it never really worked. I needed it during sex. And I became particular. The style, colors, the quality (if it's crappily made it feels "stiff" to me). I would buy my exes outfits and things. And when I wasn't in a relationship, or if I was and was at home at not over with them, then it was off to search for satin porn. And it kept me up almost all the time. But it made girls that I was with and got them that type of clothing, it made them insecure about how they weren't good enough. That I couldn't appreciate them naked. It's not that, just to me, being fully nude isn't as...exciting. To my brain.

So now here I am, single. I miss one particular ex of mine every day. We were together off and on (roller coaster relationship) for about 5-6 years. I retaliated to her cheating and sneaking around by doing the same. It wasn't healthy. We officially "broke up" in 2007 or 2008. So that's what, 13 years ago roughly? Everyday I think of her. With all that we went through, I feel she understood me the most. We would always tell each other that you know you love someone when you can poop and talk to them, on the phone or in person.

It's an eternal internal struggle with me and myself. I don't like a lot about me. I can't get over someone who broke up with me 13 years ago, I get depressed if I'm not sober, start crying if I hear songs that remind me of us. Which, again would happen almost everyday if I didn't self medicate. I used to drink everyday, i stopped because I hated being hung over everyday, and passing out not long after I would get home from work. To me, stimulants were/are a better choice. The lesser of 2 evils if you will. I don't sit there and dwell on my past, about who I wish I had, and wallow in my depression like I would when I drank. Once I was a happy fun drunk, then I became depressed angry drunk.

So perhaps you might try to find something that can help you, if not just in the short term. It might not be the popular choice though. If ur interested, go to wikipedia, search for Sexual Fetishism, maybe look up Paraphilia. We are almost 40 (god don't remind me), at least try to get some happiness in the moment maybe.

Again, sorry for the rambling, I guess as I get older, with less people to talk to in person about anything and everything, dumping it out online is just another route of expressing oneself... plus, you know, over-stimulated ha