Should I give love a chance?

May 2011
1
0
Sorry for the long email
Four months ago, I met a wonderful guy – let’s call him Mark and we fell in love. He’s considerate and highly intelligent, and we have a lot the same interests and I’m very turned on by him. We are both divorced, in our late 40s. I’ve been divorced for 10 years and but he was out of the house only 2 months when I met him. During those two months he’d dated quite a bit. Him and his “wife” never officially married, so there was no divorce to go through.
During one of our first dates, he told me that he’d cheated on he wife once, about 10 years ago (they were together for 23 years). I wasn’t happy about this, but it was only the once, and in many other ways he has been extremely open and honest. Truthfully, he’s the most open person I’ve ever met.
About 5 years ago, I fell in love with a guy, let’s call him Dan, that I met on a dating site. He was listed as divorced (a lie). During our first date, he said he’s actually planning to leave his wife, and he did so before our second date. Very immediately this turned into a big love affair and he was talking about long-term and forever. We also had a ton in common – we really were a good match, not just based on attraction.
Two months into my relationship, I discovered that he was still on the dating site. I had to know if he was cheating, so I got a friend to write to him and ask to meet. I was shocked when he agreed. I went to break it off with him, and he swore up and down this and that, explained, made promises, and we agreed to resume when his divorce became final if we were still both free. We did 6 months later and I moved to be closer to him. Two years into the relationship, even though everything on the surface looked perfect – two love birds – he broke up with me. Turns out there were all sort of complexities and things he wasn’t telling me.
Yesterday, I found out that Mark didn’t just cheat with his wife the one time (a lie). There were a five more incidents – three with prostitutes. He explained that for the last 12 years of his marriage there were honeymoon periods and other times when it was war – he describes it as love and war combined. A lot of war, though. And in war things happen. He says he went through hell in that relationship, and that he would never enter into a similar relationship. He had serious relationships before his wife, and never cheated. He told me that he’s not a cheat. He desperately wanted to get the love he needed from his wife, but she put her focus elsewhere – mostly on the kids. He also says he is 100% ok with the decisions he made in the past, though I think he’s eating himself up about. He feels judged by me and got very angry when I asked about the other infidelities, even though I literally just listened and didn’t say a word (but he knows I have a clear view on infidelity – you don’t do it. If the relationship is bad, you fix it or leave).
In every other way, he is sweet and wonderful and honest and loving and we’re well suited. The combination of qualities that I look for in a guy isn’t easy to find. No guarantee I’ll find anyone nearly as wonderful. I don’t know whether to give this a chance or leave him. I need some advice.
 
May 2011
884
1
Marble, N.C.
Emilia,
After you determine what the word love means to you. It has two meanings. I love what you can do for me I love what I can do for you. There is material love pleasure and agape love sacrifice give. One brings a false joy the other no regrets. Pain is pain is pain. How much are you wiling to sacrifice for the word love? pl