Scared of being in a relationship

May 2021
Hello everyone,

I'm a 26 years old girl, and I've never been in a relationship.
I have always been a loner, I like my independance but I always fantasize about romance in movies, books, etc...
Many times, boys tried to flirt with me, some of them were brave enough to even try to date me, but -I don't understand why- I always unintentionaly did my best to sabotage everything.
I hide, I lie, and I later feel guilty because I know I made most of them sad. I like when boys look at me, I like the attention, but once a boy is brave enough to try and go further, I instantly become scared, I become almost disgusted.

I met a really nice man, he is honestly the "perfect match" for me. We like the same things, we enjoy the same activities. We talked for some times by message, and I immediately felt trapped, but at the same time I look forward for his texts... I don't know what's wrong with me.
He asked me out for a walk. Even though I was super scared and ready to say no, I forced myself to go because I really don't want to hurt him, he is so sweet !
We had a nice walk, but I felt terrible all the time. I felt like I was giving a presentation in front of an audience, I felt like I was about to faint any minute. He grabbed my hand, and I hate myself for this, but I felt sick to my stomach.
Like I was gonna cry, puke, faint... And even now writing this, thinking about it, I feel dizzy and my body feels weak.
This is awful, I'm awful,... I really like him, and he's really an amazing guy. But hell no I can't even get my head right, I'm already killing myself inside over it.
I'm gonna miss this new chance again, and I don't want to hurt him !

What's wrong with me ? What should I do ?

I'm sorry this message feels so desperate, any advice you have for me is very welcome.
Thanks for reading me !

May 2021
We all have our attachment styles. From what I have read, I think your romantic attachment style is dismissive. There is nothing wrong with you. Our attachment styles can be based on our relationship with our parents or if we have had in childhood trauma. I assure you that there's nothing wrong with you. I would suggest to gain some insights and talk to someone professional about it. It really helps.