Relaionships with the opposite sex very difficult if they are so prejudiced

Apr 2012
2
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Hello,
First of all I am new to this forum.. So please excuse me if I make any mistakes while posting to this forum....... What I have been thinking is that I am 25 years old right now(male) and to be honest I have never had any girlfriend or any sort of proper relation with the opposite gender whether sexually, or just casual conversation or even proper friendship..... I have developed a fear psychosis against the opposite gender since every time I tried to get someone to like me I failed miserably which has downgraded my confidence this much that I don't even approach other women. Now when I see other women I can see them signalling with their eyes or body language asking me to approach them but I have become so afraid with the notion of failure that I actually ignore any sort of interaction with the opposite gender by convincing myself that I don't need a relationship with the opposite gender or I don't need a girlfriend.... I even go to the lengths of thinking that I don't need anyone to love me when I clearly am feeling the opposite craving for an intimate relation with the opposite gender..... But since I am in such a fearful state I am having trouble making the first move which is expected in our modern society as men are supposed to take interest in the women and not the other way around... This belief that women have to be approached by the guy first has complicated my life even more as I have a lot of difficulty approaching any woman I want to talk to just because of my fear of failure and rejection.... So please can someone get me out of this loophole... I am stuck so bad that I think I won't get to talk or fall in love with any woman in my life... I really need some help..................
 
Jan 2012
99
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There is no easy way. If you are experiencing a psychosis of some sort, then this forum won't be of any real help. You might have to contact a professional therapist or psychologist to get to the bottom of your dilemma. Besides this, what I'd think of first would be a gradual(very gradual) approach to women. Try not to go in with the intention of getting women(which is very hard to do), just find women and talk to them. If you've been antisocial for a long time, then it might take a while to get back to being social with women.

These are my advice, they should be taken lightly, I'm no expert.....
 
Apr 2012
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I have not been anti-social........ I would say I have been social... But I cannot be like other guys... Pretending to pamper them.... Trying to act all cool and smart......... Acting intentionally to please her... I am me........ I just talk if they talk..... And I think thats what turns them off.... .As they expect you to be like other guys and when they see I am not what they expect they just run away from me...... I don't know why we have these norms and mannerisms in society.... I have no fear as such... I just have a disgust now at the way people think........ They interact with the intent of flirting or dating... And I interact with the intent of just being any normal human being who wants to be a good friend. Who will empathize and understand your problems for real and not pass fake judgement on you..... But I guess most women are afraid of the real deal..... They don't want a guy who is serious or who is genuinely kind as they themselves are not genuine.... They are afraid that their own fakeness will be caught if they date a genuinely kind person........ So that's why this stupid concept of girls liking only bad boys has come... As most women are bad so they like only bad boys... Meaning birds of a feather flock together... So I guess dating is stupid if this is the standard of people I have to date... I would rather wait for someone who is worth loving or I don't want anyone.... Just dating and flirting for showing society and my friends that I have a date is stupid...... I would rather be alone..... But the dissappointing thing is I wish there was even one genuine woman amongst all these fake ones than I would be happy.... Someone who truly understands another persons pain and knows how to empathize like a true human being and not act like those fake commercial ad actors and actresses trying to sell themselves to the next boyfriend or girlfriend they get... I want a genuine hearted person... Not this fake imitations who only flirt and date for pleasure......
 
Dec 2008
609
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nil
[quote author=Alexandre link=topic=2737.msg19936#msg19936 date=1335284143]
There is no easy way.
[/quote]


Ain't that the truth. Being that this is the internet, I've seen this same issue discussed at length on many a forum; you are far from the only man whose dealt with this problem and its actually quite common. First off, before other people can like you, you first have to like yourself. Liking and being comfortable with yourself for who you are is the foundation for developing self-esteem and confidence. This is not an easy process; it will takes years to fully achieve but you can always fake it till you make it. Stop daydreaming about women. It's all too easy to be satisfied and complicit with ephemeral fantasies; going out and working for what you want may be harder but it's a lot more satisfying in the end. Stop seeing all your interactions with new women as potential sex/relationships, this just clouds your judgement and women can sense desperation. Focus on the moment and stop trying to get people to like you; as cliched as it sounds, just be yourself.

Here's the kicker: YOU WILL FACE FAILURE AND REJECTION. I'm going to say that again: YOU WILL FACE FAILURE AND REJECTION. This is a fact of life. You're so scared of it because you've gone to such lengths to avoid it instead of facing it and learning how not to give a shit about it. If you want to have successful interpersonal relationships you will inevitably face failure or rejection. It'll hurt the first few times, there will be some very embarrassing and supremely awkward situations but in the grand scheme of life, it really doesn't matter. What hurts more, a few fleeting moments of embarrassment or a lifetime of pining because you never had the courage to man up and step outside your comfort zone.

If you're really serious about overcoming this issue, there's something I want you to do. Every day, make it a point to talk to a stranger. Old, young, male, female, hot, ugly; it doesn't matter. The point is to step outside your comfort zone and become comfortable with interactions with strangers. Remember: people usually love to talk about themselves. Some people may blow you off or look at you weird but fuck em. Their opinions aren't the end of the world. Despite my distaste for pick up artists, their communities often have good materials for building self-confidence and interacting with people, so check them out.
 
Jan 2012
99
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Well, you and I have a very similar view on todays romantics. The thing that bothers me most, is that these girls are insincere and therefore they also lack the ability to trust, as they use themselves as rolemodels they believe everyone is a liar and a cheat. It's strange. I have an analytical mind and I quite enjoy watching them lie, but it's gotten depressing now. I have been told that I must lower my expectations: there's no way you can find a nice and honest and devoted girl.

This is what I hear. It's scary how much the women I've encountered lie. One lied about being a virgin, even though she previously had said that she had had four boyfriends. Some incredibly insecure people, these women.

"Pretending to pamper them" I'm pretty goddamn sick of treating them so tenderly, while they lie and deceive at the same time, but for some reason I can't see another way. Perhaps one should look upon women as projects(not objects, that would be wrong), maybe I need to take her on and fix her. I don't know, but I grow more and more pessimistic as time passes. Hope is fading, it saddens me.

But there are alot of women out there and I have met so few. Perhaps I must widen my horizons and look outside of my bubble to find the one, maybe you should too....
 
Dec 2008
609
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Great there go the angry forever aloners ranting about how all women are liars and cheats and whores of Babylon. Attitudes like that is probably one of the reasons why women want nothing to do with you. Just because some women act like spoiled immature lying skanks doesn't mean all women or even most women do. SPOILER: there are actual decent upstanding women out there. But to find them you have them you know, talk to them.
 
Jan 2012
99
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"angry forever aloners" I'd go on a crazy rant about how wrong you are, but there's no necessity for that. I've ventilated some of my frustration here, it is not part of my permanent view though, I have no permanent view. Spoiler: Everything written on the internet nowadays comes of as sarcastic prickery, it's really strange. I don't know if there's a way to write without coming of as cocky or sarcastic(I mean really, that spoiler thing was great man hahhahaha)....
 
Apr 2012
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I feel exactly the same as the thread starter, I have come to realize, as a couple of posters on this thread have said, that even friendships have been made difficult because of these preconceived notions.

However, I also realize that jsut as THEY are not giving me the benefit of the doubt, maybe I need to step further forward for THEM.

Therefor, I have made it into a sort of GAME for myself:

I must get REJECTED at least X amount of times in the next year (it really is a crazy low number,) This way, if I get rejected, I consider it a "step in the right direction"

I also LOVE that the one poster said:

"You WILL face failure and rejection." Thanks, I needed that. No, really. I clearly needed to get that, coming from an outside source, before I would accept it truthfully.
 
Aug 2009
366
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Australia
As Eric Berne said,

Fear of intimacy.......
If all else fails try being honest.

This is your hope, be honest , move on til you find respect.

You have to remain firm to yourself and others that these are worthwhile ideals.
And it is fair to yourself to remain true to your beliefs?

Yours is a journey at the start,you need to think hard or it won't happen, you want to live in peace you must choose ?

Horton