Questions that have never been answered, please help

Jul 2020
1
0
United States
[ TRIGGER WARNING FOR HURT, ABUSE, AND SELF HARM ] Hello, call me Gina. I'm very new here and hope I'm posting in the right place, if not, please let me know and I will delete and move the post to the appropriate place.

Ever since I was around 5-6 years old (I'm missing many memories of childhood, but I do remember this part), I'm not sure if it started earlier than this, but what I recall is having intense fantasies about hurting younger children. We had a young neighbor, around 3-4 who I would on the daily fantasize about hurting in various ways, making her cry and beg. Looking back I know it was awful and I'm kind of concerned about it. It would also be about other kids, always younger than me, usually female. I have vaguely acted upon some of the urges, such as tossing a child onto a couch, and lightly hitting them with a stick. I've also had urges to hurt animals, and have shoved my cats off the bed just out of intense urge and impulse, as well as lightly tossed around a dog. I was brought up believing to scold someone you must hit them.

As things progressed, the child hurting urges came back a few years ago, and I buried them deeply until digging them up today. I want to get to the bottom of this.

Recently the urges and fantasies have progressed to older people, usually men, and hurting them in various awful ways. I want it to be men who have hurt others, murderers, abusers, the like. Show them what it's like. I also hurt myself often, I've struggled with self harm for years. I get a high from thinking of these things and hurting myself.

I was abused throughout childhood, emotional and some physical, possibly sexual at an early age. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar type, OCD, GAD, and PTSD. My therapist believe it might actually be DID but she is not sure. I have always had rather high empathy and been sensitive to others, and when criticized. People describe me as nice, quiet, funny, positive things, which confuses me about the things I mentioned above. Sometimes I fear I've created a persona to show others and act how I'm "supposed" to. I don't even know if this is possible. I don't even know why that would be. I was a bright, loud, friendly child. I had troubles in school and was pulled out.

This is as much information as I can give. If anyone has any insight, please, please let me know. Thank you so much.
 
Mar 2020
193
15
US
Not a clinician.

Me too. I can't say this isn't normal.

Primal desire to aggress. I'm assuming your a man. No solution I can think of.

I redirected the tension into mental manipulation. I think I would just be better off getting raped for eternity in prison for attacking someone like I originally would have. Not sure if there's really anyway around it.

I fantasized I was a viking in 600s worshiping (the real) Thor and throwing myself into a mess of swords aside my brothers.

I believe there is a place in the world for people like me. I believe I am a real type of person, who is unfit for the modern world.

Nothing I can really say can help you except to study something and keep your mind busy. And of course don't actually hurt anyone or you will get caught and punished severely.

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Mar 2020
193
15
US
Must become stupid and care about small things without hurting them.

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