Possible Emotional Abuse but Unsure . . .

Feb 2021
1
0
Utah
Hi guys. I've been married for 11 years, and in the past 6 weeks or so have been coming to the slow realization that my husband might be emotionally abusing me, or at the very least, gaslighting and manipulating me. But everything I've been reading about emotionally abusive people talks about how their actions are very deliberate. They WANT you not to trust yourself, they WANT to have control over you. But that's not my situation. I genuinely don't think my husband understands what he's doing. Now that I've been pointing it out to him when he does it in our conversations and interactions, he is genuinely confused, and then explains why what he's saying or doing makes perfect logical sense, regardless of how it makes me feel.
I could go on and on with examples from the last 11 years that are just now registering in my mind as "not normal". How he's made me doubt my reality, devalued me and what I think, and twisted reality so that it fits what makes sense to him. But he's never verbally abusive, angry, violent, or openly controlling.
For example, he would never come out and say "you can't/shouldn't have a relationship with your family." But he would however say "Why do you need to be close with your family? It makes me feel bad. I don't need anyone in my life besides you. Why do you need other people?" and me, being naive and empathetic, would comply because I thought he was right and I was wrong.
Or he would never force me to do anything sexually, but when I expressed that it made me uncomfortable that he would repeatedly just grope me while I was doing the dishes or sitting on the couch, without even asking if I wanted him to, he would get his feelings hurt and make me feel like it was a normal part of a relationship and that I just needed to get used to it.
The list goes on and on of examples like this. My question is, is this still considered emotional abuse? Or is it just a bad combination of him having strong opinions and me being naive and not knowing my boundaries or what's appropriate?
Recently there have been some other HUGE red flags that have surfaced, things he's been lying about and hiding from me (like him filming us having sex, or lying about money). But for now I'm just trying to put words to this emotional abuse or misuse or whatever it is that I've been feeling for so long. Help me understand this!!!!!