PLEASE HELP! A LITTLE WORD IS A BIG HELP...IM HAVING TROUBLE!

Sep 2009
10
0
Good morning reader,

I am the wildchild, ... im having trouble about what i feel..i cant sleep at night, last night i dreamed about new faces of people i hardly remember the details but i know that i dreamed it a long time ago.. heres are some little details about me..a long time ago i was 13 y/o me and my friend killed a cat we put the a piece of plywood with nailed metal bottle caps in a cat...after that.we jumped into the plywood with a cat under of it..until the cat worn out its intestine and bloodshed into the ground. after a couple of months. i spent most of my time making a mask with the use of newspapers, crayons, tape and a pentle pen i usually create weird masks..then played with my dog..i loved hearing it ragingly barking at me. the night comes..i saw my kitten playing around the yard. i decidedly get it with my barehands no feelings, throwed the kitten on my dog "which its in the backyard so no one can see me"... after that..i saw my dog hardly bite the kitten..i hear every single sound of my kitten being bitten..i glancely smile little by little and it became to a greedy laugh..i was really enjoyed what ive saw i cant explain the feelings but it really..makes me feel overwhelmingly happy..i loved to cook them..in a frying pan i dunno i just enjoyed it. and. specially setting traps like a bucket of big stones..which can possibly fall on the person will passed by, doin dirty things in drinks of others, i set a rope tied in a tree but under the tree i set a broken bottles,glass and any sharp things and to pursuade other kids to play with me..one of my cousin fell to that trap and he hardly bleed. right now in my present. i always think hows the feeling if i killed a person secretly im curious about the feeling maybe or maybe sometimes it keeps bugging my head, my mind my soul...i almost spend my time in my room. watching,resting...i was a hard drinker . and lightly smoker...but right now.i drink moderately.but the problem is...i have a curious killing intent..i often imagine of what im goin to do or what it feels... please enlighten me..or tellme...is it just my imagination, depression, or i have a mental disorder? or goin to path of bein a psychopath...... (HELP!)

-WildChild
 
Sep 2009
37
0
Well professional help is highly recommended, though i can understand why you may not want to share this information with someone face to face. If you desperately feel the need to speak with someone confidentially without judgment being passed, you may feel free to pm me.

Otherwise, I think it is clear, and you are fully aware that your desires should not be fulfilled in a general sense- if for no moral reason than just for the preservation of yourself, because it will most likely lead to your imprisonment, or being on the ass-end of the revenge of a loved one.
While i dont personally condone this action at all, have you ever considered the military? if you can put up with basic training without killing anyone... you can get paid to get shipped to another country to kill people professionally, assuming your thirst for violence doesnt end in a dishonorable discharge or the killing of an innocent life (whatever innocence means).

You may also want to consider the source of your violent feelings. Is it a fascination with death, or are you sure that your involvement in the death is what interests you? If it is the first and not the latter... you could consider working at a place where you are surrounded with death, like a morgue.

either way, I think you should definitely work on your feelings to the point that you feel comfortable getting put in front of a trained psychologist that can help you professionally, before you hurt someone or something and cant take it back.
 
Sep 2009
10
0
i see thank you enigma and anja. but i cant go to a face to face conversation like what anja said.... i dont feel comfortable...thats why im asking you guys even a single word a little word..i hope to hear a lot from you guys and other Readers................ .......................... ................................ ................................. ........






-WildChild
 

SWM

May 2008
2,314
0
hi wild child
what do you think is your main problem?

what would you like to be different?
 
Sep 2009
10
0
im 21 karaten......
SWM my main problem? hmm i dunno im clueless.. i guess theres something wrong..about me...i just wanna know if do i have mental disorder or something wrong the way i think since my childhood until now....i dunno..guys .....i have more bad sexually things..that i did...before..if you need it importantly..i can message you private.. cant tell here..




-WildChild
 

SWM

May 2008
2,314
0
if there was something wrong with you then you would feel like there was a problem. you would be able to say "this is my problem"

it seems to me to be pointless to try to fiind a label or disorder that you can call yourself when the only thing that seems to be happening is you are feeling guilty for some of your past behaviours.

would that be fair to say?


getting back to how you would like to be;

what would you like to change about your life?

what parts of your life would you like to make an improvement?
 
Jun 2009
531
0
You need professional, face to face help.

Regardless of the circumstantial factors, this is the reality: Either you want to work this out, and since you're here I assume you do, in which case you have only one tool at your disposal: professional, face to face help. The other possibility is that you don't and are asking for tacit permission, which means you're going to keep on doing whatever it is you do until society reacts in some way no matter what.

Looking at those probabilities, I would start looking at long term survival instead of immediate curiosities - killing another human being, regardless of the moral implications, will lead only to incarceration or death. Satisfying a curiosity is not worth that. Go to a professional counselor, they are legally sworn to silence and will help you so long as you can negate paranoia and force yourself to keep a reasonable level of trust in them, and they can help.