Patheticism

Mar 2020
193
15
US
Related to phobia of birds post. Ever since I was young I've had depression. I have always been very smart, but I learned to value pathetic things. As a consequence my life is really pathetic. I can't do anything. I am in a pathetic relationship with a pathetic girl my age and she makes the worst reckless financial decisions wasting all my money. She doesn't cooperate and honestly the only thing that keeps me going with her is that I adore how pathetic she is. She seems like a woman who will love me and admire me as her hero. Contrastingly my father had a low iq and he married an older woman who was a genius for her generation. He suffered what my girlfriend is probably suffering in the relational IQ imbalance.

I feel justified to live something that I'm sorry to say I feel is lesser than me. It may be very wrong of me to think something is lesser than me, but she has made it clear that she cannot tell good from bad decisions and that she needs me more than anything. That makes me feel really good about myself and it's what I want from a woman. If she would cooperate everything would be perfect but she doesnt.

I'm getting older now and the perfect fantasy stage of my life is far behind. I'm feeling mortal and willing to settle for even a nightmare relationship if I could just have any relationship. The only problem is that I'm so obsessed with cute pathetic little things. I just love being a steward. And it prevents me from trying to achieve any sort of intelligent financial status of my own.

Little humble meek people have taught me to find peace and contentment. And with so much peace and contentment I can't strive for anything.

I would have to leave my helpless girlfriend to the wolves in order to move on with my life, because she sucks all my finances from under me, and distracts me sweetly from any sort of progress on my part.

I wish there was a nest where I could just sit with my chosen spouse and watch the sunset with her head on my shoulder. It really hurts to give up that dream. I loved her so much.

Any advice? Should I be committed to her till the end? Is life just a bag of chips and I have a good thing? I think I do. But it's not working. Me and my dad are flat broke. How far should someone go to save a life?

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