Need some advise

Apr 2021
Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

I am in a bit of a predicament and unfortunately I have no family to turn to for this. I am in my late 30's and my girlfriend just discovered she is pregnant. I'm torn on what to do for several reasons and I could really use some guidance.

The back story in a few words is that I grew up in a very abusive family environment, and it's obviously left me scarred in some ways. As a result I don't talk to any of them. I'd say the most significant way it has effected me is that I am always waiting for "the other shoe to drop" or something bad to happen, and its very difficult for me to get close to someone as I always feel like they wont like me. Don't get me wrong I think I have been able to recover substantially based on what happened and how I most likely would have ended up. I was able to complete my MBA and now run my own business, and have had a few relationships, although I would say there were struggles and I usually end up with woman that need someone to help them.

The key issue here though, is that I think I need to break up with my girlfriend because I don't think we are right for each other long term in many ways, but I think due to my history I am scared to bc I crave the love and attention I get from her, even if its not the right relationship. Add to that, she never graduated from HS, and isn't really working very hard to improve herself. I get the feeling she simply wants to have a baby and wants me to take care of everything, financially and other. We fight about her effort all the time, because I feel like I do so much and she does so little. She only works part time and I had to hire someone to clean the house and do my laundry for her bc she couldn't keep up with it. In addition to that she is on welfare and wont get off of it just by working more, no matter what I recommend as extra ways to earn money. Add to that, she is very emotional, and whenever I try to talk to her to solve problems, she just gets defensive and it ends up being a tit for tat argument, instead of staying reasonable and rational to fix whatever is wrong. Finally, I caught her doing drugs a few years ago and broke up with her but she insisted she would not, and I believe she has not since then, but sometimes I am not sure. She also promised to complete her GED when that happened but then stopped without telling me, and in 2 years has not tried since.

So, my concern is that I am going to end up with a mountain of bills and stress so this woman can just live a great life w a baby and do nothing, all the while thinking I may not want to be w her anyway so the chances of breaking up are rising.

My other concern is self esteem issues that stem from growing up.

Finally, being alone and on my own is scary enough. I was divorced 10 years ago and almost homeless as a result. I had no money and barely scraped by but was able to get a job and finish school to put myself in a better situation. Now I am making money but still behind on my retirement etc, so the though of having a baby with all of that added money stress is really concerning.

The guilt I feel about breaking up and what will come as a result is killing me though, and I wish I didn't feel like this but I do. I wish I was the type of person that would jus take it on and run with it, but I am very analytical and I'm a planner and I'm worried about my financial situation. However when I look at the grand picture I think the best thing to do is move on, and ensure that I am OK and not in a position where I will not be happy for the rest of my life due to overwork and stress. I really wish I had a brother or cousin I was close with to talk to, but I don't, and finding a therapist to talk to has proven to be difficult as the insurance website is not updated so they are either not accepting patients or the number is wrong or no one calls back.

So I posted here in the hope that someone could sympathize with my situation and offer me some guidance as I am just swirling in stress right now.

Thank you in advance