Need a pull

Mar 2020
I don't do anything unless there's someone facing me. If I hear conversation I work harder.

I need to be pulled.

My last pull was helping this Nigerian kid who said he was dying of thirst all the time. Whether he was telling the truth or not, I made myself believe him in order to get myself a heart pull to do something.

Yeah I gave him money, but I was paying him for pulling me to do something and give me something to care about.

When black lives matter blew up, my dad's neighborhood was attacked. And he paid me to ditch my Nigerian friend.

Out of love for my dad and disgust at how the black lives matter was demanding things in a democratic society, I crashed my mock foundation.

Now I don't even want to help my girlfriend.

I applied for a new job but their corporate website had been hacked blocking all background checks. I was the first person serious enough about the job to point this out to the manager. He likes me now.

If I get the job I'll have a new pull.

Only problem is I haven't been able to do anything by myself at home except lay in bed and smoke outside every hour.

I have a quasi job researching genealogy, and my boss and I have learned that I just don't do it unless I see his face on virtual meeting. My boss has spent a lot of patience just making himself available for me to see his face.

I'm clearly having a problem.

I'm way to socially oriented. If no one is there I vegetate.

How are people self motivated at all?

Am I supposed to shame myself into living a less shameful life?

Do I need to be whipped or punched in the face?

I don't get it.

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