My wife's ex-relationship

Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
There is no problem with English, we can continue in this language.
I do not have much regret for what I have done in the past. But about 10 years ago, when I was 37, when I think that I rejected that 21-year-old girl for ethical reasons, I wish I was with her. Because, maybe then my wife's experience wouldn't have affected me that way.
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
Okay, English it is then.

"I do not have much regret for what I have done in the past."
Ah but if you say you do not have "much regret", it still means you have "some" regret.

"I wish I was with her. Because, maybe then my wife's experience wouldn't have affected me that way."

You do know that if you had been with that girl, you could also have decided stay with her, and therefore it was possible that you might never had met your wife who you love and who loves you back as much. You understand that, right? You understand how awful it could have been if you had chosen to be with that girl?

Seems to me that you do not regret being with the young girl, what you actually regret is feeling uneasy about your wife's past relationship.

My question is, when you have realized that a relationship with a large age gap is not ethical, why are you regretting this conclusion?
Why do you continue doubting your view on the matter?
 
Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
Even if I was with that girl it wouldn't be a long term relationship, I know that. It was just a sexual relationship, and I didn't know it. Actually, I didn't do this when I wanted to, because I didn't find it ethical.
Actually it is not a real regret I experienced. What I'm telling myself is, if I had a relationship with that girl, maybe my wife's relationship might not have bothered me that much.
When I was young, I saw a lot of men who had relationships with mature women and then told them around like a great success or pride. There were very humiliating and disgusting expressions in them. Now the thought of having someone do the same for my wife drives me crazy.
Why do I doubt my opinion? Because I know that there is not the only truth in the world. I may be very uncomfortable with this situation, but she can interpret it as a normal experience. But she also says she's afraid that his own children might learn about this relationship.
On the one hand she admits that it is not normal, but on the other hand she expects me to welcome or care about it as normal. This also confuses me.
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
"When I was young, I saw a lot of men who had relationships with mature women and then told them around like a great success or pride. There were very humiliating and disgusting expressions in them. Now the thought of having someone do the same for my wife drives me crazy."
I see how that irritates you. It has been ages since the society has gone astray. It is like a nude beach out there and you are the only one with shorts on, so they all think you are the one that is wrong, when you are only being sensible and ethical (Excuse that example involving the beach, as I do not have a better analogy for the situation).

" she also says she's afraid that his own children might learn about this relationship. "
do you mean the other guy's children? how are they important?

"On the one hand she admits that it is not normal, but on the other hand she expects me to welcome or care about it as normal. This also confuses me."
What is not ethical, remains not ethical. That is a fact. You cannot and should not need to distort the truth to please your wife. If she cannot face the truth, then that is her problem. If you can remain steadfast on your opinion that, a relationship with a large age gap is not ethical, then I believe that she will catch on, and eventually realize her mistake.

~ The bitter truth is better than a comforting lie. ~
 
Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
My wife said she was afraid that her own children would learn. That was one of the reasons why she didn't continue this relationship. The other is that she thinks that this relationship has no future due to the age difference. We talked about this and I said the things that bothered me. She sees this as just an experience. She said she had no regrets about it and didn't think she was doing wrong. She just said she regretted telling me about this relationship. She says that this relationship changes her perception of men so she finds me. She thinks that I should change my view on this subject, too.
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
"My wife said she was afraid that her own children would learn."
Well, she's right about one thing.

"She just said she regretted telling me about this relationship."
Yeah, because she knows you do not approve of her relationship, and she did not expect that. Good news is : your approval matters to her. The not-so-good-news is: she definitely feels guilty for being with that man but does not want to face it and instead of accepting what was wrong, she has convinced herself that your opinion is the root problem.
In terms of psychology, self-delusion and insecurity are the key factors here, if you ask me.

Someone in my family also has a very hard time admitting their mistakes. So I am familiar with this guilt-coping mechanism.

A very cool-minded and mature approach is needed from your side. You do sympathize with her since you know that she does not handle guilt well, correct?
At the same time, know that she cannot "make" you feel a certain way. You are in control of your own emotions. If you want her to respect your opinions, be the man that you are and stand by your opinion no matter what. She will slowly accept that your opinion is based on the truth.

"She says that this relationship changes her perception of men so she finds me."
Fate ties a man and a woman together in marriage. She found you when she did because it was meant to be. I still think she is justifying her actions to avoid facing the guilt of her mistake. But confronting her on this is not a good idea.

A very cool-minded and mature approach is needed from your side. You do sympathize with her since you know that she does not handle guilt well, correct?
At the same time, know that she cannot "make" you feel a certain way. You are in control of your own emotions. If you want her to respect your opinions, be the man that you are and stand by your opinion no matter what. She will slowly accept that your opinion is based on the truth.

however, if you continue to dwell over the things that hurt you, I do not think the situation will improve.

p.s. you both make me wish I was a relationship counselor in your town. The messages would have been much easier to convey!
 
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