My wife's ex-relationship

Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
I have been married for about 1 year and I love my wife very much. She loves me too and makes me feel it. Something happened while watching the drama together like the end of January. In the series, a middle-aged woman was on trial for having a relationship with a very young person. Suddenly I was with a very young person, he was the friend of my daughter's boyfriend, she said. When she was 43 years old, she had a relationship with a man aged 21-22. When she first said this, her voice seemed to speak of an ordinary and proud act. I think this was one of the things that impressed me the most. I froze. As she left the city the next day, I was alone at home for 5-6 days and I had a bad mentally during this time. I compared her past experiences with my own experiences and felt like someone who had never experienced anything, his life was bare. While I always thought of myself as experienced and experienced a lot, I realized that this was not the case in reality and that I had lost myself. This made me feel awful. Inadequate and worthless. At the same time, I could not digest her experience with the young man. This has been one of the biggest taboos in my life.
Later, this topic came to the fore and we talked. I realized I was judging her involuntarily. She told me the situation from her point of view. She said that she did not enter the relationship for sexual purposes, her prejudice against men was broken thanks to that relationship and she found me by this means, and that young man approached her with respect, loyalty and admiration. I said to me, I wish you explained it that way from the beginning.
However, this situation continued to hurt me as I thought of it. I could not get rid of this somehow. How could he do such a thing? How could she have had a relationship with her daughter's friend, someone her son's age. I'm still in this psychology and I don't know how to get rid of it.
My wife has had many relationships in the past, with someone 10 years older, someone 10 years younger, other people ... None of this affected me, but her relationship with this child affected me very much.
I am a person who has had difficulties in expressing his wishes due to financial reasons since childhood and then this has spread throughout his life. When our mother went out to us, she would say don't ask for anything, we have no money. We were always asked to be quiet, well-behaved children who were content with what was given to them. I've been like this all my life.
Now I want to find out what I have to do to get through this situation. I love my wife very much, she is one of the most beautiful things that I have come across. However, I cannot get rid of the effects of this incident.
Thank you very much in advance.
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
Culturally, it is quite uncommon to come across couples with a large age difference, especially the man being younger. But this is largely an ethical debate on religious grounds. I would ask you, what does your religion have to say regarding (1) having extra-marital relationship ? (2) having a relationship with a younger partner ?

If it's not religion you would prefer to discuss, ethics will have to suffice. I personally think it is okay for two people to be married , despite a large age gap, as long as the hypothetical person and there partner are not blood relations, the partner is not and has never been the son's/daughter's spouse ( because the offspring's spouse is basically like one's own kid) and their are a few other such conditions all of which contribute to keeping peace in the family, and avoiding fights alltogether. It goes without saying that the younger person must be respectful towards their partner. Loyalty is also something that every married couple, age gap or no age gap, should make a priority.

The reason for the marriage between a couple with an age gap is important. Now I'm not saying you should worry about that, or ask about it, i'm just stating opnions based on facts. I mean, there's likely some reason for such a couple to decide to be together despite the fact that they know that their society might give them the stink eye. I could tell you a few wonderful reasons for marriage with age disparity, but I suggest you do not use them for comparing to your situation: a man marries an older woman because she is widowed/is handicapped/ is in a financial crisis/ she was rejected etc. This conditions could apply to a younger woman with an older man, but that's more common and generally does not involve sacrificial reasons (for the sake of Goodness, not for one's fullfillment). Women tend to marry an older man because they think they're "established", of course, they could genuinely care about each other too.

By now, you may have noticed that I have only talked about "married couples". If you would like to discuss the same for other relationships, bear in mind that it will require some patience and open-mindedness to talk about it (assuming such relations are considered "okay" by your culture, but are they ethical? is the question).

"Something happened while watching the drama together like the end of January. In the series, a middle-aged woman was on trial for having a relationship with a very young person. Suddenly I was with a very young person, he was the friend of my daughter's boyfriend, she said. When she was 43 years old, she had a relationship with a man aged 21-22. When she first said this, her voice seemed to speak of an ordinary and proud act. I think this was one of the things that impressed me the most. I froze. As she left the city the next day, I was alone at home for 5-6 days and I had a bad mentally during this time. I compared her past experiences with my own experiences and felt like someone who had never experienced anything, his life was bare."
That's what hollywood does. It drags one into a glamorous fragmented reality such that one longs for such an interesting life ("the happily ever after" concept, for example). I myself regret longing for any interestingly complex experiences, it had only caused me to dislike myself when I hadn't know what it was like, and after having such dramatic experiences, I was still dissatisfied with who I was. In short, people can only make drama look or sound good, when it really never is.

It hurts to hear of someone's difficult childhood. Troubled past experiences tend to carry on into adulthood, but that doesn't mean it should. Think of how much gold you got from digging your way through a dark mine. You learned Minimalism, discipline, perserverance, the quality of being grateful for what is. I'm hoping you're in a much better financial situation now, so technically, there's no reason for you to supress your wishes as long as you feel that they do not transgress any ethical boundaries. If she mentions her b.f. again you could try telling her (gently but firmly) that you don't feel comfortable with discussing the past, and would rather look to the your life with her in the present and future. You seem to really care about your wife, so if you think she has done wrong, could you find it in your heart to forgive her? without her necessarily knowing.

I hope that's everything, if I left something out do let me know. Forgive me, If I said something that offended you, as that is not my intention.

I pray and hope that The Highest Power helps sort things out among you, shows you the truth and give you peace.

Regards
 
Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
Thank you very much serendipitous.
I'm not a religious person. I try to solve this in my heart. Yes it hurts me but I know there's a solution. Just I need how I see the light.
Thank you again,
Regards
 
Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
Actually I'm asking myself this. This is normal, but am I causing a problem? Should I actually laugh at this as a man? Am I actually acting weird because I'm stuck with this? Should I see this as something simple and I'm bullshit?
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
Thank you very much serendipitous.
I'm not a religious person. I try to solve this in my heart. Yes it hurts me but I know there's a solution. Just I need how I see the light.
Thank you again,
Regards
That's why I was asking about your religious views, because I really think that might help shed some light on the matter. Or atleast your ethical views? Maybe talking about why that guy makes you feel bad will help. It's always a pleasure to be of service to another human being.
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
Actually I'm asking myself this. This is normal, but am I causing a problem? Should I actually laugh at this as a man? Am I actually acting weird because I'm stuck with this? Should I see this as something simple and I'm bullshit?
Not sure which part of my post you're referring to. Don't be mad at me for saying this, but your feelings because of that guy seem to point to "jealousy" or "overprotectiveness" . This is definitely normal, given that men tend to have a more competitive streak, and are naturally protective of women and children. I suggest you talk it out, and don't let it get the best of you. I think your emotional reaction is "part" of the problem, but you shouldn't consider yourself as worthless because of a few tiny flaws. Human beings are the most evolved and advanced of all species. We must not lower ourselves to be compared to B.S. Should you laugh at this as a man? well, if by laugh you mean not-take-it-too-seriously then yes. You don't see him now, do you? then Relax...he's likely not a threat. He maybe a subject of interest for her once, but look who got the bride? ;)
 
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Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
I did not write to mean what you wrote. I only experience these within myself. This is not a result I have reached from your writings. I keep asking myself, is it normal or ordinary for a woman to have a relationship with a 21-year-old man who is her daughter's friend? If so why do I get stuck not finding this ethical. My mind is busy with this, it was not caused by your writing. Sorry for the misunderstanding please.
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
"I did not write to mean what you wrote. I only experience these within myself. This is not a result I have reached from your writings."
I was asking what you were replying to, so if it was nothing and you were just making a statement then nevermind, my mistake.
If you do reply to some part of what I say, I think quoting that part could help avoid confusion.

btw If you don't mind me asking, are you a native english speaker or are you more comfortable with writing in another language?

"I keep asking myself, is it normal or ordinary for a woman to have a relationship with a 21-year-old man who is her daughter's friend?. If so why do I get stuck not finding this ethical."
From your posts I have concluded that you partially feel that that relationship was wrong, but you seem to think that it's petty of you to judge your wife's relationship that happened long ago. Did I get that right?

It's not petty of you to judge the situation since you're likely only doing so to reach an accurate conclusion and hence give an appropriate emotional response. It's not wrong to feel uneasy towards your spouse's previous relationships either.

Hopefully that will relieve you of some guilt.

Allow me to understand better. Do you think your wife's previous relationship with a 21-year-old man (who is her daughter's friend) is ethical?
pick one option:

option A : yes, I think it is ethical.
Or
option B : No, I don't think it is ethical.
 
Apr 2021
9
1
torozor72
Actually, I do not find such a relationship ethical, I understood this clearly with this incident. In the past, I refused a young girl who wanted to be with me in a similar situation. Looking back now, I say, if I hadn't refused, maybe I might not have felt the way I feel now.

English is not my native language. I might have made mistakes because I typed fast and then didn't check it. I hope I have been understandable enough.
 
Mar 2021
18
1
Somewhere in the world we know
"English is not my native language. I might have made mistakes because I typed fast and then didn't check it. I hope I have been understandable enough."
Ah Okay. I figured from your concise answers that maybe you are not be comfortable with communicating in English. Which language would you prefer?

"Actually, I do not find such a relationship ethical, I understood this clearly with this incident. I refused a young girl who wanted to be with me in a similar situation. Looking back now, I say, if I hadn't refused, maybe I might not have felt the way I feel now."
I don't think I understand why there is a need to relate the young-girl-incident to your wife's-ex-relationship, so could you explain that, please?
So now that you have figured out yourself that Age-gap relationships are not ethical, what will you do with that information?
 
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