My loneliness sequence

Mar 2020
31
5
US
This is what I've been doing since I hit puberty.

I interact with a girl
I get horny
I watch disturbing pornography to ejaculate
I get upset
I think a lot to calm my self back down
I decide what to do next
I realize something later
I feel proud of myself for realizing something new.

Except for a brief few years when I had a girlfriend, this is pretty much the story of my life.

That's why I wanted to get married to distract me from this. But it's almost impossible now.

I really don't know if I can alter this pattern any other way. In fact I'm so used to it, I have no idea what I would replace it with.

Does anybody have something to say?

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Mar 2020
31
5
US
The only other alternatives are

Interact with a girl
Have sex
Don't think at all
Repeat

Or

Interact with a girl
Don't get aroused
Think about what you talked to her about
Repeat

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Feb 2020
13
0
US
This is what I've been doing since I hit puberty.

I interact with a girl
I get horny
I watch disturbing pornography to ejaculate
I get upset
I think a lot to calm my self back down
I decide what to do next
I realize something later
I feel proud of myself for realizing something new.

Except for a brief few years when I had a girlfriend, this is pretty much the story of my life.
I advise you to break the ongoing cycle at the "watching porn" stage. Instead of watching porn try continued interaction with the girl to see if she becomes more interested in you as a person and possible partner.

That's why I wanted to get married to distract me from this. But it's almost impossible now.
Stop right there. Speaking from personal experience, it's worse to be in a bad relationship than none at all. That is not a good reason to consider marriage or one I would expect to make the relationship meaningful or lasting. You haven't experienced emotional pain till you've been through a divorce. Having been married and divorced 3 times.

Count your blessings at this point. No matter how lonely thought I was at the time, I never knew I valued peace and quiet in my life as much as I did till there was none. It was a long, emotionally draining experience and a longer time still till there was real peace in my life. That comes from inside.

I really don't know if I can alter this pattern any other way. In fact I'm so used to it, I have no idea what I would replace it with.

Does anybody have something to say?
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein