Maybe dissociation? Maybe medication?

Sep 2021
14
2
Spain
I used to be very happy when I was young even if I was being bullied. Then, I changed schools, made friends, and I was even happier. My family was awesome. Then, I changed schools again and got bullied again even if I had friends. One day, because something that happened, I developed this idea that I finally understood why I was being bullied and couldn't get along with the cool kids. I thought that my behaviour was the reason and I started acting weird, different. My family and friends noticed the difference in my behaviour but didn't say anything. The next year, the last year of school, I was still being bullied and I couldn't understand why: "I changed. Why are they acting the same way towards me?". I wanted to know why and what I could do to prevent it. I was really shy, introverted and passive. I wouldn't defend myself and I didn't want to hurt anybody. But, I was happy... and the way I saw things didn't really change. My family was still the same, everything was the same. One day, I told my family to let me go to a psychologist to figure out what was wrong with me. I though something like: "it should be obvious to everybody the reason why I'm being bullied. Then, why can't I figure it out?". I was a very "scientific person". I even stop hanging out with my best friend even though I liked her because I started deeming her behaviour as "bad" or "uncool". She was just like me and I thought my behaviour was the reason why I was being bullied, so... The thing is: I went to a psychologist, cry a lot, and realize that I shouldn't have stop hanging out with my friend. I apologized and she got angry and I was still like: "I would have done that before changing probably, but now I know better". The thing is: when I cried and went back to school, I felt better and when my bullies saw me being more confident, they didn't pick on me that much, and that's why I realized that I didn't need to stop seeing my friend for the bullying to stop. But, I still thought that my behaviour was somehow the reason why I was being bullied and I still wanted to change and "see the obvious". My psychologist (she was a bad psychologist) didn't want to treat me and she told me to go to a psyquiatrist for anxyolitics (because crying too much is somehow a good excuse for sending someone to the doctor... apparently). She then told my mother that she couldn't treat me if I was seeing a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on antidepressants and anxyolitics... and they sended me to a psychologist that didn't want to treat my past traumas so I wasn't okay with her. After half a year of so, I couldn't take the new psychologist no more (we didn't really do anything in therapy) and I called my first psychologist but she told she was had her schedule fulled (it was a lie and my mother didn't tell me she didn't want to treat me so I believed her). I went to university but couldn't get along with the people so I decided to drop... but my mother convinced me to do at least two classes. Looking back now, I realized I may have been able to withstand the trauma of bullying because I would intellectualize things. The thing is: I wouldn't socialize with anybody at the university even if I really wanted to because I wanted to be seen as "cool" and I thought the way I was would be considered "uncool". I really wanted to be with others though. I think I wasn't the same at that point. I think the pills did something to me but I wasn't really aware of that at that moment. I could have made friends though if I didn't change schools the second time and got bullied again, I'm sure of that. Even if I would have only been friends with other shy and introverted people, hey! I was happier with those who were more like me! There was a quiet boy with whom I'm sure we could have been best friends and now I regret not having to get to know him better. Well, I spend half of the year trying to "see the obvioua truths" and I thought I was doing well but... I was like: I'm dissociated, I can't feel emotions... I was like: even if it's not obvious to me, I think I may have dissociation and, even if I think I have emotions, those can't be "real emotions". So... I wanted to not be dissociated and have emotions even if I wasn't even sure if I was really dissociated and if what I was experiencing were "real emotions" or not. I don't think I was really dissociated or that I didn't have real emotions. The way I saw and experience things was just... the way it was. It doesn't need to be the way others see or feel things. I had a problem and that is... I couldn't withstand change. Change of routine... It was just... that I coudln't imagine things being in a different way. I couldn't withstand change but I forced myself to endure the changes that happened in my life when I started university without complaining. I shouldn't have done that. I should have gone to a psychologist for help but I didn't. I wish things were different...
So... yeah, I started thinking that I must have been dissociated from my "real emotions". I left the classes and didn't tell my family, which was really unlike me. They got angry when they figured it out and... I started thinking they were bad people because "they should be worried, not angry". And I started seeing them in a different way. Of course, I think it was because of the pills and because I was too obsessed with "being empathetic". I went to the psychiatrist, told them everything, and they gave me antipsychotics. I... changed. I wasn't the same. I even wanted to kill myself even though I had always been so scared of death. I went down the rabbit hole. I lost myself and I couldn't remember how I used to see things. Now I'm trying to see things as I used to but feel like I'm stuck between how I have been seeing thing during these years and how I was before. I feel like I cannot see or be present in the presen moment. I can't be consciouss of what is happening somehow. My grandparents died and I coudln't feel anything... I loved them and didn't want them to die. I would call them everynight to wish them good night but I stopped doing that at university because I wanted to stop thinking about death... I didn't want to stop calling them and I didn't really ger over my fear of them dying, but their deaths were... not as they should have been. I should have been okay... I shouldn't have changed. I should have told someone my problems and that I needed help. But, I lost myself and change and now I want... to see things, be happy again, get over this... recognize things as I used to, see life as I used to, be somehow as I have always been, as I was before medication. I talked to a girl that says her story is 100% like mine and that my symptoms are because of the medication. I'm in invega withdrawal now (tappering slowly)... and everyday I remember things... in a different way but I feel like everytime I remember them better. I don't feel anything and antipsychotics cause numbness. I shouldn't have gone to the psychiatrist but to a psychologist. But I didn't. Now I am. Now I am tappering off invega. I have been 5-6 years taking medication now. I feel confused and lost. Why did I see things in so many different ways? Can I recover? Can i start recognizing things as I used to? Is it medication, trauma, everything at once?
Can someone help?
 
Aug 2021
56
34
Austin, TX
You need professional help, someone who can help you get your meds regulated and get you stabilized, as well as get you back to your centered happy self. It may take two or more physicians, counselors, or other professionals to help you accomplish these goals. I can only wish you the best of luck, but I do believe in you, and that you can get yourself together again...
Ivery
 
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Sep 2021
14
2
Spain
You need professional help, someone who can help you get your meds regulated and get you stabilized, as well as get you back to your centered happy self. It may take two or more physicians, counselors, or other professionals to help you accomplish these goals. I can only wish you the best of luck, but I do believe in you, and that you can get yourself together again...
Ivery
I don't want to take meds. Drugs are the reason I lost myself, my emotions and my reality.
 
Aug 2021
56
34
Austin, TX
I understand you do not want to take meds, few of us who do, want to. I am older now, and have hypertension as well as other conditions which require me to take seven or eight different medications daily. I do not enjoy taking them, nor the way they make me feel, but I trust my doctor and am willing to take the meds to prolong my life span. I hope you can find a doctor you trust and who can help you get a plan together to stabilize your metabolism for both your physical and mental health. it is possible physical issues with your body are causing your mental discomforts...
Best of luck to you,
Ivery
 
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Reactions: Usedandabused
Sep 2021
14
2
Spain
I understand you do not want to take meds, few of us who do, want to. I am older now, and have hypertension as well as other conditions which require me to take seven or eight different medications daily. I do not enjoy taking them, nor the way they make me feel, but I trust my doctor and am willing to take the meds to prolong my life span. I hope you can find a doctor you trust and who can help you get a plan together to stabilize your metabolism for both your physical and mental health. it is possible physical issues with your body are causing your mental discomforts...
Best of luck to you,
Ivery
I didn't have any mental disconfort until the meds and... I have met a girl who claims she is much better now she has quit the meds.