Looking for articles/studies/books about parents forcing their children to inflict abuse on their siblings. More info in thread.

Jul 2021
1
0
Texas
tldr; I have a student who was in an insanely abusive situation and beat her siblings because her mom told her she had to. She has all the trauma and guilt you would expect, blames herself, and would like to understand the situation from a psychological perspective. I am looking for articles/studies/books that would help her better understand she is not wholly responsible.
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Hey there.

I have a student I've mentored for 6 years. I worked with the middle school that feeds into the High School and focus on Social Emotional Wellbeing, and met her through a program in the school.
When I met her she had just moved in with her grandma after years and years of *extreme* abuse. I work at one of the lowest income schools in a gigantic ISD, and I have never heard of such torture/physical/emotional abuse. I took her under my wing and since then have been a family friend - we do book clubs, Christmas together, birthdays together, etc.

I set her up with a social worker years ago but when the pandemic hit, the state would not allow the social worker to zoom 1-1 with a student. I took responsibility for some of it and with permission, we would have phone calls or zoom calls every so often to go over the nightmares, etc. I have a degree in psychology but teach Social Studies, so I am equipped on some level to talk things out, but not to the degree of a social worker etc. The girl has gone from being incapable of having eye contact or a conversation to top of her class, captain of the chess club, and consumes every book regarding history she can get her hands on. She is doing better, but there are obviously emotional and physical scars.

Her grandmother doesn't believe in emotional wellbeing - it is the old school "get over it or get right with god". They are a very old school Central American household. She doesn't have a lot of people to talk to because her household is 6 people in a one bedroom and the idea of talking out your trauma is "emotionally weak".

The reason I post here is that in our recent call, she told me that she has nightmares she had this week. Her mother was a heroin addict and a sadist and would inflict the max amount of emotional and physical damage she could, to the point that she would brag about how much she would ruin them. They went from hotel to hotel; she was subjected to older men but never sexually assaulted. They would have the kids sit perfectly still for hours and the mother would instruct the men to beat them mercilessly if they flinched.

--The point. Jesus, sorry. There were times where the mother would instruct the daughter to beat the living hell out of her younger siblings. If she didn't, she would be subject to a greater and more violent deal of abuse. Absolute hell. Because of her fear, (she was 6-9 years old during this time - she is presently 16), she would oblige and beat her siblings because her mother told her she had to. She lives with one of them; the other three are still in the foster system.

These are some of the nightmares she has. She remembers beating her siblings and takes the blame for it. I have explained to her on a number of occasions that it isn't her responsibility - it was fight or flight and she was doing what she could to "earn her mother's love" (she has described this feeling a lot) - she would do literally anything to try to get her mother's kindness, because her mother would tell her that she was going to drop her off at a brothel and have her raped because she was disposable etc. The stories go on FOREVER. Imagine what I just described, but for years and magnified 100x.

She confided in her grandmother that I told her that, and at some point, her grandmother (despite respecting me a great deal) told her I was wrong - she was solely responsible for her actions beating those children.
I told her that I would try to find some writeups describing this type of abuse so she could better understand it. I am looking for articles about abuse from siblings at the request of their parent, and the trauma/guilt that come with it. Also, that she is not responsible for her actions given that she was in such a dire situation.

Anyone specialize in this? She is well read and I told her I would try to find her something so she could better understand her role as a pawn in the abuse.
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tldr; I have a student who was in an insanely abusive situation and beat her siblings because her mom told her she had to. She has all the trauma and guilt you would expect, blames herself, and would like to understand the situation from a psychological perspective. I am looking for articles/studies/books that would help her better understand she is not wholly responsible.
 
Jul 2021
25
0
London
True. It happened to me, my father would coerce my mother and my mother would coerce my elder sibling, although he was only 4 so it's not technically abuse, it is abuse and illegal if you are over 18, and that is what my parents were... My parents were never smart, and that explains the psychopathic tendencies. I still don't know how I survived them, as they are really destructive. When I left home I was assaulted by a rapist and kidnapper and because he got away with it by lying about things that evidence proves to be false, my mother and father have been abusing us and threatening to side with the kidnapper and rapist if I spoke about their abuse. Instead of offering support, they abuse me like that. But yes, it is a crime, it is often unreported crime, because the child doesn't want to hurt their parents, but they clearly need therapy to get over the suffering they experienced and be able to move on, without the anger they feel at the upset their parents caused them. Unfortunately psychopaths exist everywhere and are society-made. My parents were morphed into who they are today by society, they were suggestible to begin with, which is psychologically tricky. I learnt self-defence now, and when my dad tries to strike me I do put my hands or ask him to stay away and stop filming me when he does, and harasses or stalks me, as well as my mother, but I wouldn't raise my hands on them back because I just don't think they are worth it. And I know they don't care about me. If you start giving too much relevance to the psychopathic parent, that is when you may risk becoming like them. Don't let it affect you. They are psychopaths, and their words can only hurt if you let them. I understand their threats are really terrifying at times, and they are abusers too, but try and not be like them. Ever. It is difficult not to retaliate in kind etc., but is it worth it to do that? These people are pathetic and losers, and they will always be, they wouldn't love anything more than to justify their behaviour. If you really feel raged by their abuse, then leave, however, that's what they want to, as that allows them to violate your rights further. Recently she tried to coerce my younger sibling into abusing me, and then it backfired on her, as I knew what she was doing and told him what she had said about him. My parents are both narcissists and all they care about is each other, they would kill us all if they could just to make themselves happy. That's how I lost two brothers too. I don't see them as great people. And when I found out I was sick, they were abusing me too. It's hard to forgive this type of cruelty, but sick people exist, and you can accept that, and accept that they have nothing to do with you. You can either fight them or avoid them. Up to you. I prefer avoidance, and rarely fight back, only when they go as far as committing crimes against me and my siblings. I also have seen lots of psychopaths and know how to deal with them. It is why they find me dangerous too, because they know they couldn't get away with their cruelty with me. I am a far better manipulator than any psychopath out there, and so it is best for them not to mess with me nor my siblings either. I really don't care about their reasons. And they often have a track record of harmful behaviours. The point is society made them that way, and there is no going back. Don't try to improve them, they will refuse, they will just get worse, improve you. Stupid people exist and sometimes they are your parents too, it happens. Mine are clearly stupid and evil and dangerous but you know someday they will get their karma and maybe then they will understand how harmful they have been. I nearly had a stroke two months ago as a result of my dad's abuse and my mother's support of his abuse. In that moment, I realised they wanted me dead as they are too stupid to understand things. Tonight I realised how my dad's comprehension skills are impaired. He couldn't understand a simple story he is being told not even by watching a movie. He doesn't understand movies. He is way too stupid for that, and this is why he has psychopathic tendencies. And the mobster who sends him nudes and teaches him to abuse his family, that is just the same. European society creates psychopaths as easily as it takes for the covid to spread. Psychopathic parents need your supply when they don't need you they will try to ruin your life too. That is when it becomes dangerous, therefore don't be nice to them, don't help them, only help you. Bad people don't deserve people, and yes, accepting that your parents are bad people is ok. It doesn't make you bad to accept that. You are you, they are evil, but you are good. :)
 
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