IQ, motivation

Mar 2020
My dad is 63. He has a very low IQ and he's depressed. When he talks he sounds like a bawling child. It's getting worse.

He's jealous of me for having a vibrant life because I have a pretty high IQ I got from my mom and lots of pain, forcing me to adapt to tons of situations.

My dad did everything he possibly could for our family. He brought in a lot of money and I'm afraid we all abused him. He couldn't help that he had a low IQ. My mom still gives him dirt when I'm around. I tried to get my mom to limit herself for his sake, but she simply can't. She's got a high IQ and she wants to shine and she can't do that either.

I'm stuck. I got ambitious and pursued a long distance relationship and we were very serious about each other. I bought her a ring and we both said I Do and exchanged vows before we even got together.

Because I motivate myself with my belief in the afterlife, I told her I would go to hell if I didn't marry her. That made it all the more important to me that I made it work.

My vigilance and fervor is what gives me a high IQ I think. It's something that my dad simply never had because he wasn't abused as a child.

My mom knew how to give me a high IQ by making my childhood a living hell. It works. If a child has more impossible obsticles to get by he adapts to high stress environments and therefore becomes brilliant when the world throws dumb problems at him for the rest of his life.

I can't get my dad to appreciate my fervent relationship with my girlfriend, and we came to an emergency where we needed some money from my dad and he refused to help. Out of jealousy I suppose.

I'll have to settle for lowering my ambition and fervor just to make my dad feel comfortable. And it really hurts not to shine. My girlfriend will go homeless because coronovirus destroyed her income and I can't get money to her even if I starve it won't be enough. So she's going to go homeless and I cant help her make rent. In Illinois they don't have the no eviction policy like we do here in Washington. I'll probably lose touch with her over it. That's why I asked my dad for money.

I'm afraid of becoming as depressed as my dad is. I think he wants me to feel his pain. I swear he's the most suffering person on the planet.

Underlying is my fear of going to hell for not succeeding in my ambitions. I liken my success to going to heaven. In my theory if I did not succeed I would tell God at judgement that I wanted to go to hell as self-punishment for not succeeding. That's how I think of motivation. It's the only cognitive habit that motivates me at all.

Im sure if I didn't damn myself for failure that I would shrivel up and die.

Any thoughts?

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