INTJ - Torn between identities - Requesting help to change the state of my mind

Jul 2020
Dear Readers,

This is a long story of mine and I request you to read it thoroughly and help me regain myself.

Brief introduction:
I am actually torn between what I actually desired & couldn't follow and what I am currently doing and cannot cope up with though it is essential & obvious.

I am an INTJ.

Ever since my childhood, I had a very different sense of perceiving things and thinking deeply and analyzing. As I started growing up, my interest grew more into Science. I started to think of how famous scientists were capable of thinking about such things and come up with such great theories. As my interests grew, my concentration on studying and learning subjects grew, and it didn't take long enough for me to understand everything that I read. Apart from my academic scientific knowledge, I began to explore more and was even trying to analyze and think of such ideas where the world could be more futuristic and advanced. The ideas and my imagination were really giving me such great pleasure. Then I decided to become a scientist especially in the branch of Physics. I was really a great deterministic and dedicated person and everybody understood it very clearly and started to respect and treat me the same.

My thinking/feeling was nothing but "I have found a purpose for my life, I have to live it and do the greatest service to the society/science by using my skills which would eventually accomplish my desires". And I was crystal clear about everything that I have to do to achieve my goals.

But at a particular point, due to some unfortunate reasons, I had withdrawn myself from continuing my Master's education in Physics which could have lead me to go for Ph.D. in Physics and pave a path for my goals to achieve.

I started to work as a Software Professional as my degree was in both Physics and Computer Science. During my education, though I was the smartest in my classroom in both Computer Science and Physics and my lecturers were praising me for such brilliance. I never really put interest in learning more about Computer Science. It didn't interest me much as of Physics did.

I have been working as a software professional for the past 10 years and have been performing better and getting paid more than the median salary for my experience.

I am not putting my real interest in my current field and unable to concentrate deeply to learn things as I did in Physics. I am just managing myself to acquire knowledge and use it as required.

The problem is that it is not taking me anywhere, I literally feel like I am a part of the rat race and doing nothing but survival.

But that's NOT ME!. I was a different person, I can analyze, strategize, plan, and do whatever it takes to achieve what I desire.

There is no going back to Physics at this point, I have decided myself stick to Computer Science and do whatever my primary intentions are irrespective of the field I choose.

I believe that every field of study has its own recognition and potential for people to learn and do things. And also that the nature of the subject is just a classification differentiation for professionals and has got nothing to do with learning.

There is a huge difference between my personality and thinking when it comes to Physics. I will be a different person. When it comes to CS, it's just like a regular guy who is just running not to lose the race unlike winning.

I understood that its just state of my mind that's not allowing me to perceive Computer Science as it is for Physics.

For example, If there are two books around me, Quantum Mechanics (Physics) and Algorithms (CS), My mind treats Quantum Mechanics book as my purpose of life and I clearly understand and remember everything I read even it is a single page every day. My Mind thinks that even it takes long to study it I will be patient and do it.

But when it comes to Algorithms (CS), I barely look at it, even though it's really important and is a real requirement, I start to read, My Mind doesn't really put much interest into it and I cannot understand and remember most of it.

I feel like divided between two identities for myself,
1. A very determined and dedicated person with a clear goal and purpose for his life.
2. A normal person with no purpose or goal for his life.

This is why I feel torment, and I want to regain my former self.

So, the purpose of this post is to get some real help for me to be able to change the state of my mind. So that I can be as determined and dedicated as I was earlier.

The Questions:
1. How to regain me as a determined and dedicated person with a clear goal and purpose for my life?
2. How should I be able to see Computer Science like Physics and learn and do everything as I desired?

Your help will determine my life and the people around me!

Your valuable answers to me are like nothing but giving a new life itself.

Please provide your valuable suggestions and answers to my questions.

Best Regards!
Mar 2020
Well. If you had the means to find a job where you can practice physics, that seems to be the solution. I have no idea what the physics community looks like or how to find them.

As for hourly work, even if you were working in physics, no one's going to pay you to just think, no matter how good that makes you feel. The best you could get is applying some simple physics to a job.

As you don't have a masters degree, I suppose you're not going to be able to get a wonderful management to practice strategy, but you might find something like a franchise store or small company that would hire a bachelor level manager.

You have to remember that physics laws can be applied to "real-life" phenomenon. You're not going to get paid to actually do physics unless you get a job at a nuclear power plant.

Even the great physics minds were mostly only Jewish professors at high grade universities, an apprentice style of University which no longer exists. The physics inventors did not get paid to invent, they got paid after they aquired a patent for their invention, and the inventions didn't sell right away, so don't think youre going to live without a job. The man who invented the particle accelerator had his idea stolen, and he earned no money off his invention.

You can invent on your spare time, but you have to study patents and law, and it's very complicated, and often fruitless. If you want to try that, you should practice with some small inventions, which you are not heart set on, just to make sure you understand it.

As far as I can tell, unless you have great communication and an education degree, you're not going to be paid to think.

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