I want to be abused

Aug 2021
1
1
Russia
Please dont laugh at me and read to the end.
Hello there. Im a young woman, dont even hit my twenties yet. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist since I was 12, struggling with depression, anxiety and hysterical personality disorder (yes, I even have a certificate ;) ). I take a lot of pills and it seemed to me that I was coping with the disease. But lately, my bloody desires are taking over me. But let me tell you everything in order.
When I was sixteen I went to a psychiatric clinic. I spent about three weeks there. There I was sexually harassed by one of the patients. The rape did not happen, but then my indistinct desires took a tangible form and I realized - i want more. I watch a lot of slashers and horror movies and it's better than any porn movies. Severed human limbs, abduction, sexual abuse and confinement all excite me and give rise to many sexual fantasies. I read news reports about kidnapping of girls by maniacs like romance novels, fantasizing about it happening to me. I can no longer withstand this pressure - if someone does not close their hands around my neck again, then I will die. Regular sex in porn is not satisfying, if it's not like being raped with handcuffs and a knife, then I won't get pleasure. I have been going outside at night for many years now, hoping that someone will catch me and put me in their basement. But apparently I am very "lucky", since for so many years I have never become a victim. I recently read a novel about a guy who was being chased by a stalker in love. The guy was kidnapped, his leg was cut off and he was raped. When I read the book, I was delighted - I so want to experience it for myself. I imagine someone tying me up and holding a knife across my skin, and I tremble with excitement. I want someone to love me so much that they were ready to sacrifice the law, morality and common sense. What could be more romantic? But sometimes I think that this is not normal. I am told that such sadistic notions of love are terrible. When my thoughts and emotions take over me, I start crying non-stop and banging my head against the walls. I am an atheist, but I decided to go to church and ask God for help, but I still feel bad. Tomorrow I will go to my psychologist and talk to her about it, but now I want to share my problem with you. Is this some sort of disease? What can i do?
 
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Aug 2021
56
34
Austin, TX
I am so sorry to hear about your trauma in an institution which was supposed to help you. At your age you are barely started in life, and your identity as a person is still being defined. This is a good time for you to step outside yourself and decide what type of person you want to be five, ten, twenty, and forty years from now. Your experiences at a young age coupled with your anxiety, depression, and other issues have created an outlet which you can control with self destructive behavior. To say that this is unhealthy is an understatement. You should be in counseling with someone you can trust, community, religious, or otherwise. You also need to be under the care of a medical doctor who can regulate your meds and get you stabilized, emotionally as well as physiologically. I wish you the best, and hope you can find someone in your community you can trust for counseling...
Best to you,
Ivery
 
Jul 2021
148
13
London
Please dont laugh at me and read to the end.
Hello there. Im a young woman, dont even hit my twenties yet. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist since I was 12, struggling with depression, anxiety and hysterical personality disorder (yes, I even have a certificate ;) ). I take a lot of pills and it seemed to me that I was coping with the disease. But lately, my bloody desires are taking over me. But let me tell you everything in order.
When I was sixteen I went to a psychiatric clinic. I spent about three weeks there. There I was sexually harassed by one of the patients. The rape did not happen, but then my indistinct desires took a tangible form and I realized - i want more. I watch a lot of slashers and horror movies and it's better than any porn movies. Severed human limbs, abduction, sexual abuse and confinement all excite me and give rise to many sexual fantasies. I read news reports about kidnapping of girls by maniacs like romance novels, fantasizing about it happening to me. I can no longer withstand this pressure - if someone does not close their hands around my neck again, then I will die. Regular sex in porn is not satisfying, if it's not like being raped with handcuffs and a knife, then I won't get pleasure. I have been going outside at night for many years now, hoping that someone will catch me and put me in their basement. But apparently I am very "lucky", since for so many years I have never become a victim. I recently read a novel about a guy who was being chased by a stalker in love. The guy was kidnapped, his leg was cut off and he was raped. When I read the book, I was delighted - I so want to experience it for myself. I imagine someone tying me up and holding a knife across my skin, and I tremble with excitement. I want someone to love me so much that they were ready to sacrifice the law, morality and common sense. What could be more romantic? But sometimes I think that this is not normal. I am told that such sadistic notions of love are terrible. When my thoughts and emotions take over me, I start crying non-stop and banging my head against the walls. I am an atheist, but I decided to go to church and ask God for help, but I still feel bad. Tomorrow I will go to my psychologist and talk to her about it, but now I want to share my problem with you. Is this some sort of disease? What can i do?
Yes, I read about hysteria which was firstly solved by Freud's assistant, in the case of Anna, and it was healed through transference, it is surprising that you haven't been healed yet, surely it will happen soon. :) And yes she was sexually harassed too. She even became catatonic. I'd punish sexual harassers on the spot when I was a child and even now, however some societies respond to that complaint positively, some respond negatively.