I hurt my friend-can't get over it

Oct 2014
1
0
South Africa
Hi,
I don’t know what to do…I feel so crappy and empty inside…I can’t stop crying. I did something so awful to some guy, lets call him Dean, that is so important to me and that I have strong feelings for. I feel like such a bad person. Please the last thing I need right now is to be judged for falling for a married guy. That is not why I am writing.
I have known Dean for over 2 years and we were so close and he trusted me and I trust him and I betrayed that trust yesterday in a moment of weakness and wanting to spill my heart out to someone that knows us.
Dean is married but I developed strong feelings for me (first time it happened to me with someone unavailable). He knows about my feelings. Anyway, his wife once met me and grew suspicious and since then she doesn’t like Dean hanging out with me so whenever we met he didn’t mention it to his wife. He hid many things from her. We used to car pool together and one thing led to another and we watched porn together a few times and he touched me twice but stopped it. It was obvious that we should never reveal it to anyone.
He used to pretend in from of his colleagues /friends that he wasn’t interested and I was the only one pursuing him and he wasn’t interested at all. I heard it also from our mutual friend (Craig). There were many times when he hurt me although he didn’t mean to but he did and he knows it.
Anyway, about 5 weeks ago he cut contact coz his wife found out that he asked his parents to get me a phone while they were on vacation as it was cheaper there and that she found out that when he went out to the bar with our mutual friend I was also there. His wife got so pissed off and told him to cut all ties with me and he did…he said until things calm down. I feel like I was going through many feelings including anger, hurt and denial (that he will be in touch soon but didn’t even call on my 40th birthday).
I miss him so much. But yesterday, I did the unthinkable…after hearing from Craig for the 100th time how he wasn’t interested in me and that I am also to blame for the wife suspicions and that I pursued him and he wasn’t into me I broke down and revealed to Craig the truth. He was shocked and realized that Dean isn’t innocent as he played out to be.
I did something that I should have never done in a million years esp. coz Dean trusted me and they are friends and Craig and his wife know Dean and his wife. I have no excuse for betraying him. I guess we are a match made in heaven –he betrayed his wife’s trust by not telling her that we are in touch and see each other occasionally and by doing what he did with me, and I betrayed his trust by telling Craig.
I can’t stop crying and I just want to die and I am not suicidal but that is how I feel right now. I know that we aren’t in touch now but it doesn’t matter…I betrayed someone. Craig understands the sensitivity of the situation and if Dean’s wife finds out…he promised not to say anything even to his own wife…hope he doesn’t. Dean isn’t speaking to me now but at least he doesn’t hate me…if he finds out he will…
I just want the earth to open up and swallow me. I don’t know what to do..can’t stop crying..can’t concentrate at work. I made an appointment to see a psychologist for that and other stuff but the soonest is Sunday, and I am tearing up inside.