I don't know anymore

Jul 2020

I am a 28 year-old male. I suffer from an obsessive mind.

I had been in therapy for 3 years and I really improved, but I still suffer a lot from it to the point that I feel I need to go to therapy again as I feel trapped.

I have a really hard analysis paralysis everytime I need to take huge decisions in my life. I have really high expectations for my life but I also have a lot of fear and no confidence.

I like challenges but many times I get paralyzed by my fear of failure. After finishing my first time in therapy I discovered that what filled me was confronting my fears, as the feeling of freedom and power that comes with it is amazing, and I have taken this to big objectives (for me).

Last time I was in this extreme paralysis was 2 years ago when I decided to go abroad for an internship. It was my first time and I was completely scared and paralyzed. I had to trick myself in order to end up going. I had to realize I could even go for just 1 week and If I didn't like it I could come back. Anyway, it was the best decision of my life and the experience was amazing.

Now I am in a similar situation. I decided I wanted to go abroad this year for a masters degree. In reality this was something I had in mind for some years. This happens to me a lot: I think about something I'd like to do but it takes me like a year to really go for it. For the internship it was the same, I got the offer the previous year but I didn't decide until the next...

So, this year because of the pandemic the situation looks quite bad. I know the most sensible idea would be to defer the masters for next year, but my prospective year here at my place looks hard, difficult and uncertain as well. Besides, it is possible that this opportunity I have this year will be much more expensive next year and maybe I will lose it forever.

The thing is, I am really hard on myself and I really don't want to choose because of fear. Like If I decide I stay at my place this year I want to be sure myself that I do it because of reasonable things and not like an excuse to cover my fear. I get this feeling like I am a failure if I choose to stay, because it is also true that I have put myself in a difficult situation here in order to "force" me to go abroad.

I do this a lot, half unconciously, as I know I'll always get the analysis paralysis at some point.

Today should be the deadline (quite self imposed) for me to decide if I go or I defer for next year. I try to think as little as possible because I know I get into loops and obfuscated mind (because of anxiety) and I get nowhere. But It is impossible for me to decide without thinking ... too much.

I know when I am thinking too much and I stop it, but still I don't take a decision. because this feeling of "thats the right decision" changes from one option to the other one when I overthink thus getting to analysis paralysis. My paralysis is so strong that it stops me from doing other things and It's like a virus that when I get to that paralysis I start doubting and not deciding in everything else and not doing anything.

Is there anyone here with analysis paralysis or similar experiences? How do you cope with it?
Would you recommend me some pills? Should I talk about this with a psichiatrist? I did cognitive behavioural therapy with a psycologist but I am thinking I might need pills as I relapsed but I never talked about this with a psychiatrist
Mar 2020
You're paralysis might be a good thing believe it or not.

If you don't feel paralysed by fear you end up like me, not interested in anything.

I recommend you assess the benefits of your paralysis.

Fear is often mistaken for excitement. You might be so excited that you can't cope with the mind-blowingness of the success you are about to undertake.

I am not a clinician but I think you can get away without pills. Once you start taking pills you can never get off.

It sounds like you succeed and enjoy the things you feel paralysed about earlier. I wish I had that "problem."

If you can't decide at all, I like to play military/civilization strategy games to feel comfortable with decision making. My favorite right now is medieval total war II. It's an old game from about 2006, but it's simple enough to manage. It's basically a national micromanaging game. I don't play it all the time, only when I feel stuck. It makes me think.

You might benefit from some sort of strategy game of your choice. you can buy computer games cheap on steam powered.com app.

None of your descriptions sounded like obsessiveness.

As far as covid goes. It's really good to stay occupied. I recommend taking cheap online courses at udemy.com, lynda.com, audiobooks on audible.com. or even a certified training at an online college.

It might distract you from your original path, but if you have to put it off for a year anyway, it'll be much better to do something in the meantime. Imo. Volunteer online. Virtual meetup.com etc. We all need to keep our brains processing or this is going to be impossible to recover from without some serious possibly war type motivation.

The Spanish flu ended in wwi
The great depression ended in wwii

We're all trying not to fight. The best way to preserve peace is to keep thinking. And we can take advantage of our incredible online study material.

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