I could use some insight into this multifaceted issue.

Jul 2020
2
0
New Zealand
I'll jump right in the middle.

On personality:
Big 5:
I'm very high in agreeableness, to the point I don't stand up for myself and I get walked all over.
I'm very high in openness, to the point that it's isolating as few people that I've met are willing/able to engage in sufficiently deep, thoughtful discussion.
I'm perhaps very low in conscientiousness as at age 29 I've had 25 jobs and 8 different study attempts. But the reasons for this could perhaps be explained in other ways.
I'm somewhere in the middle on neuroticism and extraversion.

I've studied physics, maths, programming, biochemistry, personal training, business, psychology, and a smattering of other things, with limited success. I always got A's and B's until my discipline failed me and I stopped attending, resulting in F's.

If you've followed a bit of Jordan Peterson: I have what he calls the devouring mother and the absent father, which he describes as the fruedian nightmare and to which I can attest.

The 25 jobs I've had were all blue collar jobs which I found very unstimulating, but neccisary to pay bills. I'm far more skilled on a forklift than I ever wanted to be.

I was suicidal 24/7 for 12 years from age 16-28 as I flailed about miserably attempting to grapple with my situation.

I was controlled and manipulated by my mother most of my life, which I am finally starting to break free of.

I dream of being a data scientist one day and I am working towards that goal.

I currently empty shipping containers by hand for a living, which is tough physical work (sometimes I move 60 ton in a day by hand) so I am physically fit, but always exhausted and I am living pay check to pay check as my student loan takes away any excess money I have that would go towards saving.

I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to any of this or if it sparks any thoughts for anyone. It's been a challenge figuring out all this stuff on my own.
 
Mar 2020
243
19
US
My story totally. Except you've been more productive.

Not sure what to do if anything.

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Jul 2020
2
0
New Zealand
My story totally. Except you've been more productive.

Not sure what to do if anything.

Sent from my moto g(7) power using Tapatalk
Stay fit and healthy. Cut toxic people out of your life and surround yourself with people who boost you instead of drain you. Try to create a good work play balance. Work on your goals so you'll have a better situation one day. Don't take any financial support from your parents if they seek to control you. Figure out an industry you wouldn't hate and work towards it. Get independance so you can be live your own rules and choose your own life circumstances.
That's about the best I've got.
 
Mar 2020
243
19
US
Criminal background. Nobody wants a person with a criminal back ground. The only direction is my dying family, the church, or crime. The church doesn't want me. I wasn't a real criminal, just defending my property in the most efficient way. Seattle slapped my reputation so hard I'll never do anything. Parents think I'm going to be some sort of white collar. White collar will never accept a criminal. They're delusional.

I burn all my friends. I feel guilty about being impressive and loved. Worried about becoming narcissistic cult leader.

Obsessed with sociology and world politics. I like china but don't fit in there.

I'm Catholic out of necessity. Belong to men's group no one takes seriously. It's more like a slave cult but it's something to do twice a month.

Been to highest heights and lowest depths. Seen everything. Nowhere to go. Not allowed out of the country.

Hate "new world order" also hate rebellions. I just want a piece of undeveloped land next to a dirt road with a fence, shed, van, hydrogen engine, and satellite.

All I do right now is social media, smoke, and lay in bed.

I know everything about brain chemistry there is to know. Feelings are legal chemicals that you can buy cheap.

Studying discomfort as motivation, but why bother if I can just lay in bed.

Think about suicide every day. Not to escape pain or shame. Just because I think I'm just done.

Why leave the field of clover? Is this heaven?

Only care about other individuals. Need mission projects to "save" one person at a time. Can't be psychologist cause I would lead people into my nothingness and I don't care about fad social justice, which is trying to start WWIII and get us all nuked in minutes.

Wish I was married with kids to have something to care about. Want dumb helpless thrifty woman who can value me. Want to spare my children wisdom. Wouldn't care what they do. Would die for them if it would do any good.

Otherwise I'll just drift around but would need some sort of way to get money for gas and food. Wouldn't mind living in a van if I could have a place to shit legally.

Want online job with 100% job security and make my own hours. Business would be best, but I'm terrible at math. Statistics is a joke.

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