How to heal and deal with lack of secure attachment as an adult

Nov 2021
2
2
Bucharest
I started my journey into psychology and understanding the inner mechanism of the psyche two years ago because I had a string of self-defeating behaviors and beliefs which made me unable to have a true friendship or a proper relationship, I didn't understand what was wrong with me, so I start searching because I genuinely want to heal myself and be the best version of myself, a better human.
My underlying problem was a lack of secure attachment with my caregiver, my mom. I never felt a real connection with her, I felt her distant, detached. No matter how much I tried to be close to her, I felt she always kept a certain distance, I never felt close to her, this feeling hurts like hell. I observed the same pattern in my relationships, as a reflection of what I've experienced as a child. I moved close to the city where she lives so she can visit me and try to be closer, that didn't happen, I have to insist a lot and give reasons why she needs to visit me, she always says she is busy. Her favorite is my brother, I always felt and seen that, it is sad but I have to make peace with it. I guess the relationship we have with our parents define all the relationships we gonna have as an adult, the good part is that we can do something about it and heal as much as possible from past events. Sometimes I feel angry and furious about why I can't have an authentic relationship with her, and why it feels so fake, so I don't know how to deal with this, sometimes I feel lost...
 
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Jul 2021
420
51
London
I started my journey into psychology and understanding the inner mechanism of the psyche two years ago because I had a string of self-defeating behaviors and beliefs which made me unable to have a true friendship or a proper relationship, I didn't understand what was wrong with me, so I start searching because I genuinely want to heal myself and be the best version of myself, a better human.
My underlying problem was a lack of secure attachment with my caregiver, my mom. I never felt a real connection with her, I felt her distant, detached. No matter how much I tried to be close to her, I felt she always kept a certain distance, I never felt close to her, this feeling hurts like hell. I observed the same pattern in my relationships, as a reflection of what I've experienced as a child. I moved close to the city where she lives so she can visit me and try to be closer, that didn't happen, I have to insist a lot and give reasons why she needs to visit me, she always says she is busy. Her favorite is my brother, I always felt and seen that, it is sad but I have to make peace with it. I guess the relationship we have with our parents define all the relationships we gonna have as an adult, the good part is that we can do something about it and heal as much as possible from past events. Sometimes I feel angry and furious about why I can't have an authentic relationship with her, and why it feels so fake, so I don't know how to deal with this, sometimes I feel lost...
My mother is like that, she just imitated the same role she experienced, thankfully for me, I figured both her and her mother were sick. The other difference is my nationality being different by both my mother and grandmother, that helped me develop my own personality. You should develop your own personality not copy your parents. Personality disorders develop in the moment that you do copy them.
 
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Nov 2021
2
1
India
I dont know much about you so I cannot give you very good advice. But from what you have written, it seems to me that it would be a good idea to serve old people in an old age home. The love that you show to them will be returned, and that is how you will be able to feel more secure. Second, you should accept your mother's preference for your brother. Acceptance will bring you the healing you need. Of course, you cant just accept this overnight, but you can gradually learn to accept your life situation. Third, you should gradually turn your attention from wanting love to giving love. In other words, you should not be so concerned about getting love from your mother or anyone else.
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Lectures on actualizing your spiritual potential
 
Nov 2021
2
1
India
If you just start serving people in your community, especially old people, your life will be completely transformed. You will lose your insecurity.
 
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Jul 2021
420
51
London
If you just start serving people in your community, especially old people, your life will be completely transformed. You will lose your insecurity.
True, I care for my parents-family, regardless of everything, however, in exchange of that they behave well too :) so it has to be a give and take, the same applies to friends and everything else in life, however when it comes to strangers conditional care is more important unless it's professional, because sometimes you don't know who you are dealing with, i.e. you can't trust everyone, as research demonstrates that 1-4% of the people can't be trusted and acts pretty stupid and dangerously-negligently.
 
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Nov 2021
2
2
Bucharest
Saurab, thanks for such lovely words,
you are right in some things, as Usedandabused said you can't give support to any random person.

I think true healing appears in the moment you start to 100% fully accept yourself and start loving yourself. We are a work in progress but we get there if we persevere. Kindness and love can be given in so many ways - free good advice to a friend or stranger dealing with difficulties, donate to those children without a home or without parents, helping old persons who are on the street and beggers be willing to hear their story. Maybe an encouraging word and a lovely gesture will brighten his day.
 
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Dec 2021
7
2
Europe
Saurab, thanks for such lovely words,
you are right in some things, as Usedandabused said you can't give support to any random person.

I think true healing appears in the moment you start to 100% fully accept yourself and start loving yourself. We are a work in progress but we get there if we persevere. Kindness and love can be given in so many ways - free good advice to a friend or stranger dealing with difficulties, donate to those children without a home or without parents, helping old persons who are on the street and beggers be willing to hear their story. Maybe an encouraging word and a lovely gesture will brighten his day.
For Love, think about it, you always need two People. You cant Love yourself, dont Play this game.
Think this way: if you Love someone who feels good ? All People i meet say sure the person who i love, but is this really all what happens, take time observe yourself, what happens when you are loving someone ? What is happening with your chemistry ?
To nurture a flower you have to give her roten leaves or old dunk and you get a flower. If somene gives you shit blossem like flower, who says you have to feel bad about it....
 
Dec 2021
7
2
Europe
I started my journey into psychology and understanding the inner mechanism of the psyche two years ago because I had a string of self-defeating behaviors and beliefs which made me unable to have a true friendship or a proper relationship, I didn't understand what was wrong with me, so I start searching because I genuinely want to heal myself and be the best version of myself, a better human.
My underlying problem was a lack of secure attachment with my caregiver, my mom. I never felt a real connection with her, I felt her distant, detached. No matter how much I tried to be close to her, I felt she always kept a certain distance, I never felt close to her, this feeling hurts like hell. I observed the same pattern in my relationships, as a reflection of what I've experienced as a child. I moved close to the city where she lives so she can visit me and try to be closer, that didn't happen, I have to insist a lot and give reasons why she needs to visit me, she always says she is busy. Her favorite is my brother, I always felt and seen that, it is sad but I have to make peace with it. I guess the relationship we have with our parents define all the relationships we gonna have as an adult, the good part is that we can do something about it and heal as much as possible from past events. Sometimes I feel angry and furious about why I can't have an authentic relationship with her, and why it feels so fake, so I don't know how to deal with this, sometimes I feel lost...
True freedom is: past dont determine what you Will do or feel next. Your decision is how you feel about it, and what you Will do with memories.
 
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Reactions: Usedandabused
Jul 2021
420
51
London
True freedom is: past dont determine what you Will do or feel next. Your decision is how you feel about it, and what you Will do with memories.
I think generally parents favour the child or children that is more like them, so in a way that is a compliment that you are not the favoured one as it means you are not that way and dislike inequality.
 
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