When I was in H.S. my girlfriend was name Michelle and she was French. The Beatles Michelle came out and every guy in the school wanted her for a girlfriend. I got tired of having to buzz guys off and we broke up.
My sister died 5 years ago from an undiagnosed heart condition. She had complained of chest pain and dizziness for a long time and a doctor told her it's classic gastritis! and we can get an endoscopy if we want (for an extra charge of course)
But when she fainted, we went to the hospital. But the only thing one doctor was able to say was that she had some irregular heartbeat and he said we should check her in and they would do long tests etc etc.
They admitted her but barely did any tests and said everything's ok and repeated the story about the irregular heartbeat and that it is usually nothing serious and people live with that their whole lives. And she fainted probably because she was tired or had low blood pressure.
One day everything was fine and there were no warning signs when she just collapsed and her heart wasn't beating. Our mom did cpr until the ambulance came, and they couldn't bring her back. The doctors still couldn't explain fully, just told us it was some heart abnormality.
So I now completely understand how doctors (at least here) don't intend on solving what's wrong with the patient. The thought of actually curing my sister didn't even cross their minds! She was barely 13 years old and scared and they looked at her like she just wanted a sick note for school or something. I understand where my distrust of doctors comes from but I always tried to give them a chance and to have some faith that they know what they're doing.
So far, that has worked out flawlessly!!
I had a family, I had my father and mother and a sister I loved a lot. And when I was 16, she died, when I just turned 18, my parents split up and I don't see my father much, he has a new family now and barely calls me. And my mom has a stash of liquor under her bedside table.
Now I just feel unwanted and useless. I have heard my drunk mom say on more than one occasion that she wishes it was I who died instead! My friends told me not to listen to her and that she is just drunk and doesn't know what she is saying.
But I can't stop thinking that isn't that when your true thoughts and feelings really come out?
I've become very insecure around people and when I try to help myself, I just feel like I am getting myself deeper into the neverending pit I'm in.
I do have to mention though that reading yours and Sorter's passive agressive spat made me smile.
LOL! Hi Renee. It is good to hear/read from you again. I understand when you say the doctors didn't care. My wife had breast cancer and was doing really well. She went thru the whole process. Radiation, chemo, mastectomy, everything. Then she started getting sick. The doctors said cancer without even doing any tests. More chemo, etc. which made it worse. She ends up in and out of comas. I figured out it wasn't cancer at all. She had cancer, but it was an anaphlactic reaction to penicillin. They knew she was allergic, but gave it to her anyway. It took 2 years for them to kill her. Then they conspired to cover it up. Doctors are human. They make mistakes, but sometimes money gets in the way. If someone doesn't have insurance they get bad care. In our case we had excellent insurance, but the doctors were getting close to $1,000,000 a day for her care. She was in the ICU for about 2 years. Even after they realized it was a reaction they kept giving it to her anyway because they knew they couldn't fix it and all the money they were getting. Lets just say I can relate to what you are going thru.
Please believe me you are not useless. Unwanted well if someone can't see how wonderful you are then that is there loss. Life is very hard and never fair. That is an unfortunate fact. I would suggest you set goals in your life. Work toward them and keep a journal of your progress. Set both small goals and big goals. Even a few easy ones so you can feel good about doing them. Like Clean the kitchen or wash cloths. Not every goal has to be life changing. Drunks are very selfish. They say and do things to degrade others so they feel better about themselves. Don't let it get to you. If alcohol is a problem in your family? Be very careful with it. It can make you more likely to become addicted as does depression in general. Focus on positive thoughts. Depression is very hard to deal with. I know it is the holidays and I am alone again. Since my wife died and I have Leukemia I just sit here wondering why I am still here sometimes. Take care. Earl
The general attitude toward depression is an illuminating example of the overly medical and antihuman, currently accepted view of the emotions (that an emotion is something that happens to us). In at least two or three articles in various popular magazines, journals and newspapers across the United States, and throughout the world for that matter, every week, there is an article such as "How to cope with depression." It seems never to be worth suggesting that the depression is itself a means of coping, that it is not a matter of "getting over it" but a matter of accepting it and using it as our own. Depression is treated as a psychic influenza or disorder, debilitating and counterproductive, an invasion of a spiritual virus, a "malaise." We are told how to get rid of it, distract ourselves from it, or at least minimize its deleterious effects. "It will pass," we are assured. Don't take its self-depreciation seriously, and don't even consider its sometimes suicidal impulses. "Ignore it; keep busy; get out of the house; go visit some friends." Or, take a Librium, as you might take an aspirin for a cold.
But suppose depression is not always a medical "problem", but rather a window to the soul, a mood that is our most sophisticated and most radical means of shuffling the structures of our lives when they become intolerable and unlivable. I don't want to deny that depression can be "pathological"; but so can anger, jealousy, envy, grief, love, and even contentment. I only want to argue that it in itself is not pathological but even essential to normal life and "self-overcoming." Most artists recognize the power of depression, the fact that, despite its initial debilitating effects, its aftermath is typically a burst of productivity and creativity. And, nearly everyone knows not only a depression tends to linger, but that we tend to keep hold of it, nourish it, avoiding a cheerful friend whose laughter might break the spell, seeking the solitude of our own rooms where we can indulge in our depression and wallow in it, feeding it with morbid thoughts of self-criticism, formulating our own Camusian doctrines of the absurdity and meaninglessness of it all without the objections of good friends, good fortune, or good times. In depression, we (literally) "press ourselves down," force on ourselves the burdens of universal doubt, the Cartesian method on a visceral level. Our depression is our way or wrenching ourselves from the established values of our world, the tasks in which we have been unquestioningly immersed, the opinions we have uncritically nursed, the relationships we have accepted without challenge and often without meaning. Depression is a self-imposed purge. It is the beginning of self-realization, unless it is simply ignored, or drugged away, or allowed to give in to the demands for its own avoidance - the most extreme of which is suicide. (The least extreme is philosophy.) It is our most courageous attempt to open ourselves up to the most gnawing doubts about ourselves and our lives, that kind of openness that precedes the most clear-headed commitments and the least qualified acceptances of ourselves and our lives. To treat depression as a transient illness is to keep ourselves closed, to avoid "seeing," in Don Juan's particular sense, through the values and structures, which we have uncritically accepted or imposed upon ourselves, which we now find tedious, unlivable, and self-degrading. To reject depression is to affirm, by default, those same values and structures.
Psychology and physiology are typically concerned with the objective (that is, scientific) aspects of emotions and moods. Consequently, they are primarily interested in their causes - as law-like generalizations between certain cues or circumstances and typical emotional reactions. But what characterizes an emotion is its intentional object - as distinguished from its cause - so we can appreciate how far short of comprehensive understanding of the emotions any psychological or physiological theory must fall. To me, my passion is my way of seeing and structuring my world, whatever might be going on in the synapses of my brain, whatever long forgotten childhood traumas or hereditary primordial behavior may have set up this or that "complex" of reactions, and whether certain chemicals might be peddling their unseen influence in my experiences. What makes the causes of our emotions so insidious is precisely the fact that they have no place in our experience at all.
The pain of depression can be the pain of self-realization; or it may be only the pain of continuing to accept, equally uncritically and equally unhappily, the very values which have raised our doubts in the first place.