Help myself with meditation

Sep 2021
413
61
Berlin
Actually if you still sporty, there must be a way to work on sth. I mean not supersporty but running 10 min should be enough. I can run for very long. But i dont work on anything. My have nothing in the head and random listening is not enough. So what can i work on then? My random acting is not effective. Dancing is kind of doing sth when among people, but also ineffective. So how to anwer this question. When i do random meditation games its also very ineffective or my mantra games, which fee l uncontrolled. Often people do bullshit because they do things they dont enjoy for money so its not really worth it... I know its hard to cgange. But at least in hobbies they can work on sth... So about me is very hard. When i had girlfriend, i was working on her but very ineffectively because i didnt love her enough or no... I just cant deal with fat... I miss her like crazy... Dont know. In my massage i work on sth in nit efficient way... Bevause i dont change. Nit fast enough. Working on sth means what? Just a feeling. I cant move effiently, which is very special. So i need to work on myhead. Like learning sth or if it doesn't work, invent sth. How to invent sth without paper or communication to othets. If you feel its easier to relate to someone even posting here, its better. I need my phone then or sth, which i dont like. But its not a problem. I can try to memorize. To know what to tell to others.

So again i am here to try to critisize myself. I always think about theoretical dancing, which is a good thing or acting or healing. Maybe some otber things might come up.

But if i dont memorize for some days i guess it will be hard to work to do sth with it, because i dont know if its right or wrong. I write in file i linked last time
 
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Jul 2021
618
79
London
I dont know what to say still except i lost my girlfriend and want to kill myself. I just feel like that. I hope she comes back to me. But dont know when. Because maybe i am taken already. But if not i will take her with pleasure.

I dont know exactly why she went away. She met
Oh I am sorry, how did you lose your girlfriend
 
Jul 2021
618
79
London
She met someone who she liked more than so of course she should leave me. I tell to my self that its wrong decision without clear reason, but its hard to say. I mean she should follow her feelings because she is bad at following what she likes. But of course its a mistake. Its always easy to leave someone. Leaving should be more harder than just like this. But i dont think they will be together over a year. I dont know if she will come back to me. Both is possible. She does not know what she wants. I am hard person, because i have problems with her fat. I think its main thing, but i try to be not so strict. I mean try to ignore it, but it does not work out and she feels bad. But dont leave me like this. Try me out first and dont lieve me at all. But anyways after 3 or 5 years i guess we would split because she will find someone better or me, because i want children and she doesn't. Although i tell her opposite, dont know why. Anyways its bullshit i am writing.

I feel its my fault i asked her if she wants to leave me. And she said yes. But i was doing listening for long, and it influenced me maybe. Without this i dont know what i would have said. I would not have cried, its i dont know how i reached it. But proposing this is very likely... I am always so negative, because its better to let her tell it by herself and she would be mine still but me very unhappy. I dont know whats better. It doesn't matter. I dont know what matters.
Awww ok :( I know the feeling, yes.
 
Jul 2021
618
79
London
A question, which doesn't come out of my head, why i dont work on anything? Is everyone able to work on sth independent of how shitty her state is?
So the anxiety was a result of being with someone who caused you anxiety, it was an external factor, not that we are blaming anyone but now I can understand why you would post so much, people are the main source of anxiety, particularly people who exhibit erratic behaviours, due to mental disabilities etc., but yes, it happens some people are kind and they like those who have mental disabilities, however, health comes first, and it won't mean you will meet someone who doesn't behave that erratically. Sometimes mentally disabled people are meant for mentally disabled people, unless they stop being disabled and begin to become healthy, as long as they don't make you unhealthy that is what makes you feel better. I do believe that people with mental disability who behave erratically can make us anxious, and in that sense I prefer to avoid, but yes it is sad that they cause us losses, so I understand your point. Now at least you can finally enjoy your life, really taste food, really sleep well, really go on a holiday, really focus on a career and really it is a burden off and yes it's great to be with someone, but it's greater being with someone who really at least has the brain to return your affections and take life seriously like you did and not hinder you or who has no control on your emotions. I am the type who even absorbs people's emotions, and therefore I hate the fact of being in a relationship. I like to love people but from a distance, because they are never ready for real intimacy as they are immature, I am not saying your gf was immature, but cheating means a lack of intimacy, and that is not a mature thing to do, in general, but there are married people who lack intimacy, I honestly don't see the point in that. I really think independence is something of value, because it is great to want to choose an ethical but to be sure the ethicism is bilateral isn't so obvious to some. Ideally, people are great all like you, nice, don't abuse, don't treat you badly, don't play the victim (emotionally abuse), are honest, are kind, are caring, are loving, but in reality, there are such evil beaches out there (the psychopaths), that it's just hard to believe any of them, really, I really just have love my cat. And it's obvious trauma causes anxiety, best to relax afterwards, and that is never easy, but it is your goal in the end, because health comes first. And after I got sick I realised how bad it was to give a care for people who don't even care, because truth is they don't, even if it seems they do, it's just beautiful acting, some do, of course, but a lot don't, and are fake. I now see when someone is genuine and when someone is fake. And soon the true colours come out, but the fact is these people are in society, and they can cause damage, and that is why people worry etc., now the other guy must be a criminal, is my guess, but at least you know now to avoid hybristophiliacs, because they are in love with criminals, and they lack morals. I personally had health deterioration too in the past couple of months, because of how horrific I have been treated, and I even said something and they do worse, then you know someone is mentally ill and there's not much you can do, best to avoid, and pretend they don't exist, don't care, it's like they don't matter, and in fact they absolutely don't, because if they did, they would behave like they mattered, those who act well are those who do. Anyone can go and be a jerk and commit a crime, or violate people's rights, but not everyone can be smart and say "no, I don't want to be harmed by someone, no I don't want to be hurt by someone". At least you can now say, a burden off, because it was a burden, the burden of why I am getting this bs erratic behaviour, why am I being mistreated if I am doing everything right, if my feelings are genuine, why I am putting up with taking the blame with things that aren't my fault without any rewards at the end? Not even some loyalty? Boy bye! All that burden is now gone and you are completely free.
 
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Sep 2021
413
61
Berlin
Thank you for your long reply, but no she is nice. I allowed her to make experience with guy. I actually motivated her to meet people. So its my responsibility.

Actually i just wanted to say, to try to make clear for myself: i just deleted all the dating apps... Dont know really why, because its not clear that she will come back me... I don't see any other reason... I was clicking almost everyone away... Some i could have liked... Blablabla... I could use it to make friends actually. Its a good idea. Maybe later... Idk
 
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Jul 2021
618
79
London
Thank you for your long reply, but no she is nice. I allowed her to make experience with guy. I actually motivated her to meet people. So its my responsibility.

Actually i just wanted to say, to try to make clear for myself: i just deleted all the dating apps... Dont know really why, because its not clear that she will come back me... I don't see any other reason... I was clicking almost everyone away... Some i could have liked... Blablabla... I could use it to make friends actually. Its a good idea. Maybe later... Idk
Well, maybe she was a bit skeptical that you may have been using the app for other reasons, as it doesn't look good to have dating apps on your mobile, but I guess it may come from previous trauma, however, it would help to talk about it still, than being silent, so I do find that you are a bit too harsh on yourself.
 
Jul 2021
618
79
London
Thank you for your long reply, but no she is nice. I allowed her to make experience with guy. I actually motivated her to meet people. So its my responsibility.

Actually i just wanted to say, to try to make clear for myself: i just deleted all the dating apps... Dont know really why, because its not clear that she will come back me... I don't see any other reason... I was clicking almost everyone away... Some i could have liked... Blablabla... I could use it to make friends actually. Its a good idea. Maybe later... Idk
I know you are just friendly, I don't know why you'd tell her so, as a test it seems, but really she failed that test, maybe just don't try to make her jealous, but did you actually make her jealous on purpose, because some people can get jealous over the slightest thing and that is in a way unhealthy, so must be worked through, and some might feel jealous due to some past relationship and not be read for their next one, so they end up making you jealous, as long as you are confident and not insecure over it, is fine. Eventually you realise that it is not your problem, and you are on top of the emotions, but even if, it's fine if you feel emotions.
 
Sep 2021
413
61
Berlin
Thank you! I don't think i made her jelous... I didn't do anything... She just found someone she liked... I didn't delete dating apps from my phone, i don't know exactly why. Maybe in case she leaves me or we search for people together... Dont know. She deleted her apps because she wanted to be with me... And recently i suggested her to search for friends on dating apps because you can write, you just want friends...
 
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Sep 2021
413
61
Berlin
I dont know if i tried this trick already after i stopped my plan to have life long meditation, which is same.... I just made appointment with a doctor, who some years ago said to my question :"can i just eat healthy meanung the amount" she said, if you dont want, then stop. Afterwards i was eating less. But i didn't go to her again and the effect was gone. Also i was more silent. My swearing at myself also disappeared. It was short effect. So don't know if its really an effect but something good happened for sure. I thought or i somehow i couldn't really do anything but my head, not me, were telling that it will not have effect again. Doesn't matter.

So additionally i wanted to post here, that i will eat from now on just what feel righ. From amount and the content. I guess i should think of this for 3 yeaers and then forget about it. I will forget about it anyways. No lets just make is simple, i will eat how it feels the best for me from now on
 
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