Help myself with meditation

Sep 2021
392
55
Berlin
Nothing to say? Which kind of saying? Just writing anything. Nonsense words. I mean just not even sentences. Just what comes out of mouth but on paper, but its not same as words. And then i think of something very big like teach something. Which is not so clear what. Often its nonsense words which come out of my mouth. I try to say sth and stop without idea in the head. Usually we try to say sth with sence. In psychotherapy its not about saying sth like for teaching, just whatever. I am on this level now.

Is every emotion written and understood? I dont know of its helpful, but i try. I think its endless story, because emotion is not clearly defined. Like i see a girl, then its clear i think. I see a tree and its less clear. Sth like girl its hard to say. Sth childish, not very sexy. I escape sex i feel like many others. I mean it feels far away from, even i am doing it... Just a feeling. I feel more like a small boy, somehow sweet, somehow not mature, not almighty

I am asking myself how it is in cultures where people eat less or some areas with small culture, maybe not just family, but is also possible. Then it seems children are used to eat less. I guess its very good thing. How to do it when you are old, idk. Sorry.
 
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Sep 2021
392
55
Berlin
Why mantras i shouldn't do? Or meditation? Because i tried so much and there is no real answer which i can feel. Feeling is about plant and sex. And being far away from it. And food which feels like mybody is ready, just some trix are necessary. Because you can feel what you need. I need plants sometimes i feel as many others i guess. Plant is not sexy. Meat is sexy? No. Its nit about food. Food is not sexy, but carrots are sexy . Eating carrots ot almost nothing. So at the end carrots are sexy. Children are sexy too then. I mean they dont suffer from eating too much. Not that often. Before they are teeny. And then the older the more it cab happen. Its bullshit i know. Also smaller children are more like this. I just dont see it. At any age it can happen and usually problems and so on. Which means the older the unhealthier. Under 3 can also happen. Also being fed bymum they might drink less or more. What happens before, i have no clue.

What would happen if i eat less? But how much? Maths is not the right thing to start with. I could say just as in last weeks, which means eat untill i dont want to suffer too much... Not really clear. So its not about pleasure of eating. Its beyond pleasure. If its really tasty, i guess i would still enjoy at least a bit. And its just perfect in size. But its theory, but i guess something like this is true. Less would be like physicist i guess, less would be as after burn out. Which means: i cant really tell, so maybe it doesn't exist, i didn't do much at this time. The sport was different it feels. I could say it only for the bad head, but its not true. So its hard to describe for others. Physicist means from amount maybe same as now but i enjoyed more i guess. I was not angry so much. And voegelchen was a bit not caring if food is here or not. Maybe this is the only way to describe it. Of course now i would say same. But it feels just too much. Too much means just too much. So beyond voegelchen is less than i want i guess. So i know myself eating more in same situation, but i don't. And underneath, my bad English, is what i know from people as healthy i guess. Maybe its not true and it doesn't exist. But it feels or other would say, wow you eat so healthy about the calories. So if i eat so much... Why no stage under this stage? I dont know... I wanted to say i feel like this, but i dont really feel. But imagine you experiencing this. You can say i eat almost nothing, a bit of juice or some veggies. Then do you think it can last for long? If you do sports like crazy... I dont think so. So you eat a bit of calories so it feels different. Like 1 egg additional. Then still i think it will not last forever. Then as i dont want to be mathematician now, the healthy stage would come. Its not very clear i know. So what would happen if eat the minimum which i can keep till end of life? First probably very hungry, but thats it. I dont think i will suffer much more. Yes, i might feel kind of grey, but i feel very bad anyways... So that's the theory. And no good things would happen? I guess i would be skinnier, less pain in joints, a bit proud of myself, but still hating food because i eat calories and well i didn't experience it, so maybe i will not hate it, but hard to imagine. Is it possible that you dont hate food... I guess yes, but its not so important... But hating is not good. But body should have a way so it feels good people would say. Maybe its impossible. Its food sensation like i thought too much dry... Maybe thats all... Then maybe fasting is helpful, idk, i thought continuity is possible. How should fasting look like? You eat almost nothing for a while and then you might not die, but after some months you might eat a bit more and doesn't feel bad for some days. But after few days i imagine that it feels not good already... Hard to say what is good...

Maybe gods would eat nothing... It doesn't exist. Poor reality. Plant are like girls a bit. But sex is more. And love is like sun unreachable and this is not good if its unreachable. Admire is hard to avoid, but to reach would be good. Admire means from far. And getting means from close. Then its not admire any more. Of course love is not only sun, but also i might not know, like piece maybe. Not just like sleep, sounds rediculous, but i don't know if it exists. The more calm the better. Then other feelings are friendship, its something i know and feel like a bomb for some reason. There is not much to tell. This fucking in love is for nothing. Better i dance and forget about it. Just running after someone and feeling stupid. Keep the feeling for yourself. Dont follow please. You will die. I am joking. Its nice to be in love, but drugs dont last for long... I didn't experience by myself. You see.... A movie and its over soon... Its mathematical approach to feelings. I have a list in my head. Nothing bad about it... If its right list. Hunger is also a feeling. So what to tell about hunger? I had it sometimes. Others had more. What you connect with hunger? Water, no taste. Idk, i could write something more. The list is relationship feelings. Sounds too mathematical for me. We are kind of together, we dont fuck anyone else, but also dont love each other. But dont want to be lonely so lets take one to have some fun. Teenies do this, i do this. I pretend to be father, try to be nice... Sounds like not very promising. So why not open relationship? Idk. Nothing against it. But also nothing for it. I say this for myself. I didn't experience it... Next list is... I dont like lists it feels. Because i miss the order maybe and start with strangers feels a bit random. I wrote enough about my mother, but maybe not. She thinks she is perfect, she is superbeautiful, thinks too much, hates my father, is alone often, maybe it changed. I forgot sometimes, that i have similar behavior unfortunately. Its not same, because i try to meet someone. She enjoys being alone. Her world is what? Me at least it was like this before. Its not good, she should have her own world and forget about me. I will tell, when i need her. Never again i wanted to say. But more like friendship, i guess its ok to not feel like a son all life. Her world is blablabla. Some people? Her father, who was alcoholic... Her mother, who is dead. Otherwise idk...w My father is social at least before. Likes nature, cares about others, eats like me unfortunately and likes it. I mean not like me now... Not sure but as me physicist. Loved mymum like crazy, quite normal. Money very important to him. Too bossy, its not nice... So quite normal. Not dancy. Friends i wrote. Profession i wanted to be i wanted to be mathematician, but was not very clear. I just liked it. Maybe mountains i thought, but dance i liked more. Doing with dance still or something on stagelike theater with using whole body and muscles and endurance... Partnering... Earning money with whatever like massage, selling myself, even better not. Model would be better. Yoga teacher and all this lazy body related shit. Other than job there is what still feels important for you. Now not really except my weird problems. Before i wrote. Then big list. Strangers. I am not afraid of strangers. People i know. Its weird category. Because there is not much feeling about it. I think of... So its to check. Friends i wrote. Sex i wrote, in love too, relationship too. Real love too, children nothing to say, i mean my own. Other children... Oh its not in the list... I often have negative emotions about them and think of my fucking job. Sun. Plant. Animals. Food. I am like my mum always looking some details about food... Just bullshit. Earth or nature which is not alive. I love mountains. Valuable objects. Lets stop with list. Oh there was bodyparts list. Nooooo. How do i feel now? I dont like this question. Because i dont want to say sth negative. My thoughts now? Important or unimportant or very unimportant like almost phantasy or some random thoughts. Important nothing new. Less important. Nothing i can tell. Random. Girlfriend, sound of heating... Emotions? Wasn't it question before? Feels like just emotional thoughts. But emotions, i wrote a lot before. Body sensation. Some tension in the left elbow. Feels like tired or food goes away. Not that much. Fantasy? Nothing interesting. Sensation is also cold or whatever you can sence...

Not very psychological to have a list you dont feel. But because i dont know what to write or dont manage and its 2 o'clock, i guess i will try to sleep
 
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Sep 2021
392
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Berlin
Why not writing sth to Nathalie, my girlfriend and forum? I should try this. And test too... Oh my God. Because i can get response from her.

Lets try. The thing is when i write to a person, i simplify things. So they havr sth from it. So i could say to explain myself or to write what could be helpful for her, but i feel i dont want to tell her what to do. I cant imagine she would follow as many other people, but i could write something without saying to do. It doesn't need to be meditation or this mantra... No mantras or just words are something i could suggest. So which words. Not too many. How many? Maybe 3 things. So something like I love myself and i love my job and i like animals. Thats it. Its special because its about animals. The other one no. But if i would suggest 3 sentences, then i could suggest 3 important goals. Just saying once a day or as much as you feel. And how long. Try for 2 months. And if you feel it doesn't give you anything, then maybe 2 months is not enough, even you dont enjoy it. So something like 7 months or whatever people can remember would be good. So after 7 months you can leave it. Its not 7 months if you are precice. 5 should be enough or even 4. But just to nit to be precise. And after 7 months or after you feel its helpful? After 3 drop it. Might happen anyways.
 
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Sep 2021
392
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Berlin
After 3 years... So this was kind if advise for her... To explain myself... Phuch... To explain to her especially... So its a lot of brain shit... Imagine you tried plenty of things like... Other things count maybe too like maths...standard things to try out is breath for 6 months, maths for idk... Every important thing counts... Maths is complicated. After 6 months you can see if you like it. So lats say you tried marhs for 6 months. Everyone tried at school, but its not same, by yourself. Other things are dancing for 6 months. And then in meditation goals more than 1 for 6 months. Others are not basic any more. Something positive can be also goal
 
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Sep 2021
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Berlin
Something got deleted. Every small positive thing to try would be every art style for instance. But its good to to try first something easy like art for 6 months, sports for 6 months, unfortunately also thinking for 6 months... By yourself, not you are doing because you have to. My girlfriend was talking to a guy forever. I enjoyed. I like her to be with people. Before you become too specific, its good to try general things. So things i always think of is releve or spagat, but more general or basic is
 
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Sep 2021
392
55
Berlin
So things i always think of is releve or spagat, but more general or basic is what i said before. But inbetween releve and too obvious things there is what? Some things i learned about sensation is i am confused. If someone wants to put something in their heads, what could it be? Why you have to think about it so much. Usually people just do something, but often its problematic, but i am much more than others. Thats why there is meditation. Its always try sth for some period... But why not try again? If you really feel you are so different, that you have to try again, then yes, but its rather unusual. Thats why try and see. But what if you dobt like after 6 months? Don't force yourself. Usually people dont do it mathematical like me, every day, but its not about every day. Its about feeling of continuation.

So its too hard to understand. So what to try? Depends what you like, but also sports and thinking and art. Then if you dont know what you like or you have problems with doing you like, you can try meditation. Breath and bodyparts and goals. Then i am stuck. I like acting and interested in some healing job, but doesnt work, so try... You can have more then 2 goals. If you tried 7 like me then its too theoretical, because my goals were something like art, something like dancing, something like general, something like food, something like about environment, emotions and thinking. But i tried maths already, i tried art already, i tried dancing already. The other goals are thats what i mean theoretical, its not what people usually do. I found some words with some meaning without knowing exactly what, just something helpful.
 
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Sep 2021
392
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Berlin
Maybe some goals were not really necessary. Art, dance, thinking, girlfriend everyone wants, but environment is something else, still i dont see meaning behind it. Something general is something general, some imagination. Then emotions is also senceless, because emotions we shouldn't control, and food, i don't know exactly what i wanted, but i guess its also senceless because we shouldn't control food. Maybe i am wrong. But at the end i could have picked up one thing. I did it anyways not in right way, by concentration, not allowing to let go. The mistery of letting go is maybe more complicated if you do it right, but just do as much as you want. This break is not that hard to deal with. Of course you can come back to your task, nothing special. So 7 goals are not so mysterious which i did. And then then there is listening which i say its nit so important, but after breath, bodyparts and imagining something, what can you do? Many bodyparts. 7 is to start with. Or a bit more so it doesn't feel too special. Just for the head to be able to focus. What would people try? Apart from doing something some sensation like any small bodypart, sence, cold, warm, so you can locolize it. Do you have to try for 6 months, i dont think so, but how long or is sensation wrong word? Why not feeling? Because its harder to sence and localize then feeling happy or sth, its easier for the brain. Then smell is also ok or taste or even eyes, but eyes we know too well... But we can discover details so why not. Pain is also localizable or gravity. Calmness in a specific place is then also possible. But i played piano, so listening does not really count... So better you try everything, but how long? For some minutes. Everything is what. What you find in sensation. So i would find listening, smell, taste, eyes, the list can be too long...i could say try 3 things... But there is more, because of underarm, hand at least, same for legs. Then sences, but i would think listening is more important then others and some important bodyparts like heart, digestion. I would say its enough. So more bodyparts untill hand and foot, listening, heart, digestion. Sencing the sence organs feels important, but somehow i dont feel like emphasizing it.
 
Sep 2021
392
55
Berlin
Afterwards you can do whatever, but try at least one thing for some minutes. So i could say, i tried all of it and if you dont enjoy meditation, dont force yourself.

Maths for 6 months doing by themselves is not too many people do. But thinking work can be also physics, it should feel like brainwork. If you did simple puzzle you can ask yourself, was i really working on something or was it something in between. Choosing thinking as goal and arts and sports as meditation exercises would do the same. You dont need to do something additional then to imagine like sun or whatever. Like i did the word control. So to sum up its 3 basic occupations, breath... Then i think isnt it enough to sence 7 bodyparts? Actually yes, i think its enough, but it does not really matter. Then breath, but if i write and breath, then people would think they need to try brath for 6 months... So i thought you can do it altogether. But imagining something is i think good to try. Then its just imagine and sence something big and 3 occupations. Or in theory 3 occupations as goals and breath... Hm... I am loosing feeling for it. Lets say try 3 things or think of it, sence something big, imagine something. Then try also for some minutes other bodyparts 8 more than 7. I wrote sth before... By analyzing the body and thoughts its easy to come up with what you want which does not feel lazy and its more than 1 think often
 
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