Gift-giving

May 2021
1
1
Oswego, NY
I met this girl at my last job in August 2020 and she decided within about 2 weeks that I was her new best friend. There's a lot more about this person to unpack, and as of December 2020, we are no longer friends but still work together (unfortunately).

So within the first week I was training her, it was my birthday. She made something for me, got me some candy and ice cream, and I didn't think anything of it. Thought it was a nice gesture from a new friend. Her birthday was the next month, so I got her something and took her out for dinner when the time came. She went out of town with her boyfriend for her birthday, and came back with a gift for me. Ok, cool. Again, didn't think much of it. Gifts turned into buying dinner into more random gifts. At one point she bought me a Keurig out of the blue and baking pans just because I had once mentioned they were things I was considering buying for myself. She would also make jokes that she was my "boyfriend" and had to "take care of" me while also fueling some fake rivalry between me and her actual boyfriend (who I hadn't even met). At first, I thought it was just cute fun but after a while it got somewhat concerning, especially when I started seeing someone. She would get mad at me over minor things and call me and my new boyfriend names, but then suggest we all get a house together. After another incident in which she got mad at me (she hurt my feelings and got angry because I ignored her for a couple hours while I was upset) I told her I needed a break from her. Oh, she still had another gift waiting to be given to me.

I know that she had very toxic behavior for a friend (which is why we are no longer friends) but I wanted some extra insight into the gift giving aspect of it. I enjoy giving gifts to my friends as well, and I gave her gifts on appropriate events (birthday, christmas) and I have no problems getting things for my other friends or receiving things from them, but also these are people I've known for YEARS.

So what do you think? Am I overthinking the gifts or was it all a little "too much" for a new friendship?
 
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Mar 2021
18
2
Somewhere in the world we know
You know my sister once told me of a situation like this. She was in, idk fifth grade? and there was this girl who'd bring excessive amounts of stationary ( glitter pens, 50+ shades of colour pencils, all that jazz). All the other kids would be so impressed, and she would say that she could only share the stuff with her "friends". It's sad, really. She thought she was getting attention and approval easily and quickly, when she was actually just bribing them in exchange for what she wanted.

"...was it all a little "too much" for a new friendship?"
Instincts don't lie. Did the whole situation feel right to you?

 
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Jul 2021
214
16
London
Yes, everyone gives gifts, if someone told you it is not normal, that's just misinformation, your gift giving is fine, and colleagues also make gifts, I have received gifts as in Asian cultures they do that, and it is fine by me, I never had issues with colleagues. I also have made gifts for people I dated, and people I consider family, I have offered things to strangers on occasion, although a bit shy for that; I have offered gifts back to colleagues whose culture is different and to people of different cultures that have this as part of their customs...

...but what is slightly concerning, is on her side the triangulation aspect of the situation, whilst on your side I think the fact that after you began seeing someone you are triangulating her as well by cutting her off. Both are wrong, on a social pov. Have you, your boyfriend, and your friend ever taken the narcissist test, it would be interesting to see how you all three score in it. :) You could also try the autism test, as from my understanding you have problems understanding social behaviours since your questions are all centered on social behaviours and social understanding, but the fact you are discarding your friend after you met someone else, is what is very typical of narcissism and a bit anti-social, as well as her triangulation is a bit anti-social. Likewise, your new partner is being anti-social by isolating you, so it looks like a big mess. But it would be interesting to do the narcissist test all three of you and see the scores. You can heal from NPD as it's an antisocial personality disorder, unlike psychopathy which has no cure. If the situation involves homewrecking (then we are dealing with a psychopath) and cheating, we are dealing with a sociopath. So I cannot help with those advice, as I don't know much about sociopathy, they say there's a cure for that, with intensive therapy, but for the psychopath there is just no cure, and all I can advise is to avoid. Good luck with your struggle.
 
Last edited:
Jul 2021
214
16
London
You know my sister once told me of a situation like this. She was in, idk fifth grade? and there was this girl who'd bring excessive amounts of stationary ( glitter pens, 50+ shades of colour pencils, all that jazz). All the other kids would be so impressed, and she would say that she could only share the stuff with her "friends". It's sad, really. She thought she was getting attention and approval easily and quickly, when she was actually just bribing them in exchange for what she wanted.

"...was it all a little "too much" for a new friendship?"
Instincts don't lie. Did the whole situation feel right to you?

haha, so funny, I guess in kids that's done for different purposes, to gain presents. I have known kids like that, but in the end they were kids, I wouldn't be so harsh on your sister, but I understand you are saying being spoiled and spoiling is not good, however it is also true some people learn those behaviours from adults. Yes, I think social status isn't as important as is popular...