Hello,
I am married. I have been with my partner for almost 5 years. My partner in the past always stated that he didn't watch porn and didn't believe in masturbating. Initially my partner was very controlling and obsessive with me, he is not like that any more. Last year around this time we started having serious relationship issues and we were not happy. At that point in time is when I figured out he did watch porn, a lot of porn. In addition, he subscribed to 'cam' girl site, where he would chat with and pay women for porn. Since then we have been working on our relationship. He states that he has always suffered for anxiety, depression and what feels like a dark side of himself. This dark side is what he says tells him to do these things and that part of him won't stop taking and talks until he does what it says. He says this is what lead him to the cam girls. Recently I figured out that he has still been talking and pay for cam girl porn. He has started texting some of these women from his phone. He also recently started sending one of these women pictures of his private areas. I ask him why he does it and he says he doesn't know and that dark side makes him do it. He says he can't control it and after he does it, he feels ashamed. He has continued to lie about all of this. I ask if he's very physically cheated on me and he says no. If he can't control himself what is stopping him. We have been very happy recently so I don't understand any of this. I just all makes me sad and makes me feel inadequate. He told me that he has also had childhood trauma which includes sexual and physical abuse. He says he's watched porn from a very young age. He says he doesn't want to be like this and he wishes the voices would stop. He says he wants to be with me but his dark side doesn't want to be with me.
All of this just makes me so sad, and its so hard to ignore. I love him and want to make things work. I want to be understanding but I don't know how to. I don't know how to cope with this, or what to think and what to feel.
I am married. I have been with my partner for almost 5 years. My partner in the past always stated that he didn't watch porn and didn't believe in masturbating. Initially my partner was very controlling and obsessive with me, he is not like that any more. Last year around this time we started having serious relationship issues and we were not happy. At that point in time is when I figured out he did watch porn, a lot of porn. In addition, he subscribed to 'cam' girl site, where he would chat with and pay women for porn. Since then we have been working on our relationship. He states that he has always suffered for anxiety, depression and what feels like a dark side of himself. This dark side is what he says tells him to do these things and that part of him won't stop taking and talks until he does what it says. He says this is what lead him to the cam girls. Recently I figured out that he has still been talking and pay for cam girl porn. He has started texting some of these women from his phone. He also recently started sending one of these women pictures of his private areas. I ask him why he does it and he says he doesn't know and that dark side makes him do it. He says he can't control it and after he does it, he feels ashamed. He has continued to lie about all of this. I ask if he's very physically cheated on me and he says no. If he can't control himself what is stopping him. We have been very happy recently so I don't understand any of this. I just all makes me sad and makes me feel inadequate. He told me that he has also had childhood trauma which includes sexual and physical abuse. He says he's watched porn from a very young age. He says he doesn't want to be like this and he wishes the voices would stop. He says he wants to be with me but his dark side doesn't want to be with me.
All of this just makes me so sad, and its so hard to ignore. I love him and want to make things work. I want to be understanding but I don't know how to. I don't know how to cope with this, or what to think and what to feel.