Depression and dealing with a Narcissist in the Family

Aug 2015
2
0
JPN
I am a new member and I decided to signup to this forum so that I can just talk to someone that can possibly enlighten me or just have a conversation.

I am in my late 20's, graduated from school already and used to work in the office, but now I work from home. And as far as I can remember, I've had this feeling of depression ever since I was a kid. My family is pretty normal (I think) in a way. My father has NPD, my Mother is a Co-Narcissist and my younger sister is a special child. And as you know, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

Ever since I was young, my Mom would always just keep herself busy taking care of my younger sister. Yes, I know, she's special. She can't do the things normal people do, her intellectual age feels like a 6 years old. And I, being the eldest daughter have to always forgive and forget about the things done to me. They would always tell me to lengthen my patience. And so I did, for the longest time.

My dad ever since I was a kid, he would almost always be busy with something. His car, his motorcycle, is guns, his family (parents and sister). He would always make sure to visit them every week. Sunday is a special day for the family, but our never really celebrated Sundays. He would always praise those people who meets his standards and degrade those who cannot. I feel burdened by all of it.

It feels like he's my father but he's also not. It feels more like he's our acquaintance. I feel stressed whenever we are in the same room. I got used to not seeing him much at home. He would always go out leaving us at home (even on Sundays). He wouldn't even help me or my mother whenever we are doing chores at home or taking care of my younger sister.

I would always be alone ever since. I don't have someone to talk to at home. I only have a few close friends and 1 best friend I can confide everything. I would always be expected to do this, do that. I would be the only one who get nagged at. And seriously at this point in my life, I am so exhausted. I would secretly wish that I just disappear or like live my life away in another country.

Back in the office, my co-workers are such superficial, materialistic, gossipers who would always make my day worse. I've found a few colleagues which are more simple, kind and true to themselves that I had befriended but they also have resigned from the company. I would always feel like that area on my work space is a living hell. I had one colleague which is hot and cold. She'd throw envelopes at my area, she'd gossip to her pretentious friends about me but then in the afternoon, she'd talk to me like nothing had happened. I mean, come on!

Right now, I work from home. TO tell the truth, no matter where I work, it doesn't make any difference. I always feel so alone, even at home and even in my family. There's no one I can talk to and no one to listen except for my best friend and my precious dog. This way of upbringing has made me a people-pleaser and I'm not happy with that. My dad's relatives would always point me out to do what they want and would always monitor what I do and that has made me avoid social relations. Also, my parents are strict people. so right now, in my life, I feel like I am lost.

There's no way out. I can't even complain about my circumstances to my mom, she would always bring up my sister. I can't talk to my dad, we don't talk much actually. I can't talk to my sister literally. And so, I grew up timid, quiet, introverted and sensitive. Whenever I am in a group, I don't know how to make a conversation. You can only imagine what I've been through in so many years. I've also been bullied at school.

One time, this relative of mine asked me that one sentence that made me completely teary eyed, and said "Are you happy?" and I immediately cried. I was suppressing my emotions and told her that I'm alright. In a long time, she's the 1st person to seriously ask me If I'm okay. Not even my mom or dad would ask me, but a relative did. It's like after I admitted to myself that I am unhappy, I pitied myself. I feel like I am not good enough for any body. I feel like I am a broken human being.

Others would even ask me when will I get married. And for me it's not even an issue of marrying or not, but becoming a better person, loving myself and having my life back is what I want. Because If I do get married, I don't want my children to go through the same circumstances I experienced. That would break my heart.

I am open-minded and being one just doesn't sit with my conservative and strict parents. Our opinions vastly differ. Also, my mom and dad would talk and they would always have diff. opinions. I've learnt to create different personalities, so that I can cope with my everyday life. One personality when my dad is around, one with my mom, one with the relatives and one when meeting strangers. The only person who knows the real me is my best friend, but I can't also complain a lot of things to her. I know that she has her job and own problems so I don't want her to worry about me. I know that worrying can affect her work and I love her so much that I want her to always be happy and that she can enjoy her life to the fullest. She also has her own family so I can't just hog her time over my matters.

I feel like the scapegoat of my family. Guilt trips are always around. I would hear it everyday. And I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will change. Even if I seek help from the pros, the same problem with my family will always be there. I can't live like everyone my age, because first thing in the morning, I would have to help my mom out in taking car of my sister. And sometimes I wonder, how my cousins can just ask me brainless and insensitive questions while here I am, dealing with my life like it was not my own. But when somebody meets me, they wouldn't even know how I feel.

I sometime analyze myself and from what I've read from the books and on the net, I possibly have a personality disorder and a social phobia.



------Sorry for the lengthy post. I just wanted to say all of this out, in the hopes of finding someone who had similar experience that can just talk with me. Thank you for reading! :mask: