Confliction

Mar 2020
190
15
US
I can't seem to do any activity.

When I was a kid I was always obsessed with being the most attractive man possible so my future spouse would like me.

I did a lot of bad things. I got really social. I did drugs. I got obsessed with sociology and diplomacy. Then I started studying neurochemistry.

I drafted a bad self-help book that I would never try to publish, but it was mostly just in case I lost myself in the future.

I was interested in becoming a peer counselor, but I'm very scary and I make myself sound too wise. People think I'm talking directly to them.

I get pride out of talking to someone in a way they understand but I'm too good at it. I often spend lots of time reviewing what I had just said. I'm proud of what I say. I think I say it so well.

I dont take care of my apartment I don't brush my teeth I dont do my laundry.

When I clean up myself and dress up, I look peculiarly perfect. But I've been applying for grocery store entry level jobs because I know I'm full of shit.

I basically am extremely imbalanced.

I wish I could trade my communication for the ability to do any sort of activity. Especially earn enough money not to drain my parents retirement forcing us all to die younger than we should.

My family is aware of this crisis, but we all seem to not have any idea how to get me on my feet.

My therapist told me I have imposter syndrome.

I dont know what to do. I am so fascinated with what I say. I always feel like I'm on the border of narcissism.

I probably should stop posting on this forum.

Also the idea of not specializing in communication scares me. I'm afraid that if I had a behavior ability that I would have to juggle my behavior and my communication. And the idea of juggling anything just sounds really scary.

If I make a mistake I could get hurt. I've been in very dangerous situations my whole life and whenever I drop the ball, I get locked up. I've been locked up 5 times. I have a criminal record. And my life is basically a throw away life.

But I attract too much attention.

I wish I could get the the grind like I used to. And just do something. But anything that I have to do is not worth doing. I typically weigh the effort with the end result and the effort is never worth it.

Why do anything if I can communicate?

What can I do for money?

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