Codependency & Mutuality in Friendships

Oct 2020
North America
Is it better to ignore or reply without giving attention to someone who won't stop complaining and being negative?

So, recently I met a cool online friend. We've been talking for about a week and a half now and the first day we started talking on socials was fantastic. I realized we had so much in common and the conversation was seriously amazing, unlike most I've had. But after that day, the conversations have been so dull. Our friendship started by me asking if she was going through a hard time, and her saying yeah how did you know. I have tended to attract people with issues in relationships, not saying she is one. I'm just giving backstory. I am working through my own things myself like codependency/dependence on others for validation, happiness, etc. and always being content with who I am not just in the presence of others, or when they're attentive towards/complimenting me. She doesn't know this about me though, although I did tell her broadly that I'm struggling and growing myself. For her what she's told me so far, it's insane amounts of school work. And like I said, I'll lay it on the line for those I care about, but I'm worried that our relationship may become more of a therapist situation if/when she is upset. Like, I've asked her how she was doing, she didn't text me back till later and I was thinking because she doesn't like where she is and how it's making our conversations duller but went on to say she's been not the perkiest lately. It's so hard because I've been really nice, expressed how I'm there for her, and she replies in shock like she's not used it. I don't feel like I'm getting that same level back, despite me usually giving more than most. But I've been feeling 1) that I'm growing way too dependent on her in such little time (since after that first interaction, I've been craving more and I'm just not getting it so it's a double-whammy and 2) that I'm always there for when she needs to complain, but in her negative space, she hasn't really asked about me at all. And the conversations have been totally directed to her. Obviously, I know this is half my fault because I'm self-sacrificial and pretty needy if I'm being honest...but I don't like how I've been feeling because of it and her lately. More self-conscious than ever, upset when we can't talk, overthinking things, wondering about who really has control and power over the friendship -- which I think I do, but then if she doesn't respond in a day and I see her active on socials, I overthink if she feels I'm "too much" or doesn't want to appear that way to me or whatever else. I guess I just want some objective advice, we've talked about video chatting, and she has asked like twice since I first brought it up. I really like her as a person, but I don't know if either of us is ready (how draining, awkward, and therapy-ish it could potentially be) OR if video chatting will solve a lot of issues because what she's been going through she wants to talk about on-call, and maybe it will make her more comfortable and not acting as weird that it's on the table and on the same page. And one last thing, I've tried several therapists throughout my life and in different states, none of which have understood me or take my insurance. Thanks guys.
Mar 2020
Whoot! Man after my own heart. Sacrifice! I went all in on my text relationship for 3 years, and never had a video chat and don't regret it. I hate everyone I meet in person, it's like they see in my eyes that they're supposed to eat me. I hope I never meet this girl, but I'll keep figuratively shedding my blood for her till she's gone. Yeah. I'm a mess.

Codependency is the best. There's nothing sweeter. Codependency is the original model of a perfect relationship. I learned it from my parents. If you are not codependent, you don't love each other.

However, unless you bought her an engagement ring and named your children with her like I did, I advise you really take a look at your priorities.

You'll never have a relationship that doesn't involve some sort of "therapy, charity" aspect, unless your selling cars.

You'll never have power over a relationship. It sounds like you're really trying to evaluate how much sacrifice you want to give for this feeling you get from her. It might be worth your life, it might be worth forgetting about it.

Evaluate your priorities. Read some books. Listen to some audiobooks. See how distracted from her you are willing to get and challenge yourself.

And put on a show.

My girl loved it when I twisted and confused reality. She said it was funny. But that was just our perverted sense of humor. I learned it from some rock musicians I've known. You're girl might be different.

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Aug 2020
I wouldn't pretend to be anyone that I am not, and I wouldn't die for 1 woman when there are so many. I believe that you can choose your path. Choose your partners too.

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