Cast aside

Apr 2021
1
0
Alkmaar
Hi all,
I wasn't sure where to put this thread as it contains addiction as well as depression and anxiety.

Let me tell you who I am. My name is Jordy (short for Jordan). I am 29 years old. I am very sportive and spontaneous. From early age I developed separation anxiety due to my parents divorcing and left to die by my ex girlfriend when I was in serious distress.

Since age 15 I developed a harmful coping mechanism. Self-harm. I started cutting myself to distract myself from emotional pain. Especially when the arousal of an emotion got too high. Later on, I started drinking and abusing drugs. One time when I overdosed I reached out to my ex, since she was a nurse but I was ignored and neglected any help from her. I can rationally understand it was all too much for her but it still left a scar.

Ever since that incident my life has been a complete mess. I idealized suicide and even took an foolish attempt to cut my wrist. That night I felt particularly lonely and alone when there was no one for me to talk to.

A half year full on drugs I decided to change my life. I attended dialectical behavioral therapy, which was really helpful. To gain insight in the stress and arousal of my emotions and the harmful behaviors associated with it. I felt really connected to everyone in my therapy group. I didn't feel lonely anymore. All went well and my confidence increased.

Now 5 week ago I was dismissed form the clinic and I have been feeling so miserable and lonely. I live with my mother but she works at times when I am free. I can't really talk to my mother about my emotions because I feel invalidated by her when I express myself. I reach out to old friends and it had been a real help but still there is a hole in my life. It feels so sad and terrifying. The feeling of intense loneliness hurts. Also with covid measures I am not able to do sports together with other people.

Now I managed to reent a room for myself. And when I moved all my stuff and furniture I was the only one in the whole building. It was so silent, it terrifies me to be honest. Of course more people will move into the building but still the feeling is eminent.

I also have been suffering from back injury and wrist injury. I don't know really what's wrong with it so that contributes to my stress levels.

Tonight I dated with a woman and I expressed to her that I don't want to rush into anything. It takes time to trust someone for me. Still she went too far and didn't appreciate my boundaries and I said stop when it was already a little too far. I feel really uncomfortable and I already signed up for a STD check. It makes me feel weak that I didn't follow through with my gut feeling.

I feel weak, unfulfilled, down and really sad and I am crying. I don't really know what to do. I made some cuts on my lower legs. I need to get things in order. I can't keep up like this. I keep on running but I can't keep going on this way. I feel so lost.

Thanks for listening
Jordan91
 
Apr 2021
4
0
Some place
Hi Jordy or @Jordan91 ,

I want to thankyou for sharing this, for your honesty. We can't know who else is in a similar situation, and isn't reaching out.
It hurts to hear that you have been struggling since childhood because of your parents' divorce. A child should not have to suffer for a mistake that his parents' made. Nevertheless, they are 'parents', so we must respect them no matter what age we are and have the same good wishes for them that we have for ourselves.

"left to die by my ex girlfriend when I was in serious distress."
I am sorry to hear that. If you don't mind me saying this, generally there are lesser chances of a partner leaving the other if they are married. It maybe easier for a partner to leave the other if they don't have any family ties. Just stating facts, I don't mean to offend you. That being said, I don't think any person should leave another person when they know they are going through a tough time, be it a marriage partner, business partner, family, friend or even a stranger like myself.

"Since age 15 I developed a harmful coping mechanism."
24 years of hurting yourself. You know, this reminds me of a couplet in a foreign language. Allow me to translate it to the best of my ability:

~ A bit cruelty from my hometown's people,
A bit pleasure there was in suffering too. ~


Now if you could trace back to when you first got to know what self-harm was.. how did you come to know about it ?
How were you introduced to drugs?

"A half year full on drugs I decided to change my life. I attended dialectical behavioral therapy, which was really helpful. To gain insight in the stress and arousal of my emotions and the harmful behaviors associated with it. I felt really connected to everyone in my therapy group. I didn't feel lonely anymore. All went well and my confidence increased."
The therapy group idea is awesome! Though something tells me you're not a part of it any more? Why?


"Now 5 week ago I was dismissed form the clinic and I have been feeling so miserable and lonely. I live with my mother but she works at times when I am free. I can't really talk to my mother about my emotions because I feel invalidated by her when I express myself. I reach out to old friends and it had been a real help but still there is a hole in my life. It feels so sad and terrifying. The feeling of intense loneliness hurts. Also with covid measures I am not able to do sports together with other people. "

Bummer. Is there any other fun way of staying active that you feel you can do in quarantine?

"Now I managed to rent a room for myself. And when I moved all my stuff and furniture I was the only one in the whole building."
Can't imagine how I could live on my own in an empty building. By the looks of your initiative alone, either you're Ironman or you have guts of steel.

"Tonight I dated with a woman and I expressed to her that I don't want to rush into anything. It takes time to trust someone for me. Still she went too far and didn't appreciate my boundaries and I said stop when it was already a little too far. I feel really uncomfortable and I already signed up for a STD check. It makes me feel weak that I didn't follow through with my gut feeling."
Who knew one woman could be such embarassment to all feminine kind. I'm sorry that that happened.

As for the being alone part...
(The following should probably have been the first thing to say.Maybe I should have paid attention in English class? Anywho..)

Allow me to introduce myself.
  • I'm a bio-med major, who is currently on summer break till 14 of may. yayyy
  • Also into sports, esp. biking, badminton, throwball, running.. what sports do you like best?
  • Love psychology. It aknowledges the meaning behind so many human behaviours and thought patterns that we might otherwise overlook.
  • I believe all individual successes are linked to humanities' one big collective success.
  • Life's seems kinda like a three-legged race to me. You can't really win if the other person loses. Another human's loss is your loss, another human's success is your success.

What I'm saying is, we could continue to communicate here often as long as our discussions are mutually respectful, gender-neutral and are at most, as friends. Also I mentioned my summer break because this when I have some free time. After 15th may, things might get hectic at college so I might only be able to login once or twice a week.

Give it a thought.
 
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