Anxiety, Toxic Family and the monotony of my life

Mar 2021
3
0
USA
My anxiety has been getting worse, I had a bad panic attack where I was shivering, and I had cold sweats, chills, things that are occurring in my life are affecting me greatly, my life situation at the moment, I feel ever so stuck, like a prisoner yet not in jail just a prisoner of my families house, the monotony of my day to day life is ever getting to me, also being this alone is also getting to me, not having anyone and not being able to have a friend to escape with a have a nice conversation with no drama and no toxicity would be lovely, I thought I had the anxiety, panic attacks under control and was managing but seems like it’s gotten uneasy and I can’t even sit and watch something without feeling that ever growing doom come over me and I can’t take it anymore I don’t even want to live anymore at times it just makes me wish I was dead, having a toxic family who stays in the house 99% of the time, I’m very dependent on my family that’s how I was raise yet they criticism me for not being independent, I need to break away from my family, I’m being crucified for every little thing and it’s too much, I want out and I wish I had someone to escape to and I know that’s horrible to say but I wouldn’t be using someone to escape just need to be able to sit down and not hear someone screaming or arguing about something so trivial and taking it to the next notch, this life I don’t feel like I’m living I’m just getting by. I used to crave and almost desperately to have just one friend but when I’m not a partier and I just don’t do the things every 20 something does it makes it increasingly hard to find a friend then add the toxic family makes it even harder always want someone to save me but my family puts the act on and that person then thinks I’m the crazy one “look their all normal what are you talking about” they say, I try to distract myself but it doesn’t work, I always want to escape but if I escape my problems will still arrive there too. Father talks down, creates issues and deems me as unstable and unclean due to the fact that I wear my pjs in the house and according to him I need to have a smile on my face and be dressed in the house for something, can’t talk to him without him pointing something wrong in me trying to put me down and I just don’t even bother with him. My sister is now isolating me from my mom and has her doing all of her chores and takes her out, spends so much time that I don’t even get to have any time with her and if I do she’s either exhausted or is mad at me or doesn’t feel like herself as if she’s also isolating me in some degree due to my sister making false things about to make my mom believe her, I can see this is trauma bonding now and has convinced my mom I’m the worst thing in the world and to stay away from me, my mom doesn’t even talk to me anymore, I think my sister has bpd and narcissism. How do I navigate my life and trying to find a way to leave, do you have any tips or how to handle or get by in my day to day life until I break away, I’m doing a course and I plan on getting a job then hoping I can escape. Talking to people on the phone and playing video games just doesn’t even help with my anxiety anymore. Everything feels like it’s adding up for me in this house and in life and I can’t seem to get out of it or handle it anymore. At times it feels okay and other times it feels too much. Please let me know you’re thoughts, advice and any other things in a reply to me thank you very much.