Advice needed.

[AverageBloke]

I'm not sure if I've posted this in the correct sub-forum, but it sounded the most relevant.

I'm living in a shared building, and we have a serious problem. What used to be a friendly, carefree and social atmosphere is steadily becoming ever more poisonous due to a single resident who we all avoid like the plague. The problem is that the landlady has been duped into believing he is a perfect housemate. He helpfully shows new viewings around, he cuts the hedges, and in her own words is "lovely". The reality for those who share the building with him, is he is manipulative, deceitful, controlling, incapable of normal interaction with flatmates, and indeed we think he views us all as a threat to his "landlady's favourite" status.
He eavesdrops on private conversations, and is constantly reporting back to her in order to curry favour. He's responsible for evicting two previous flats, and almost got myself evicted. He forced out a young girl in the flat next to his by targeting her, including sending a photograph of a teaspoon she had inadvertently left in the sink to the landlady. I could write a book on his activities, but what prompted me to seek advice was when he recently followed a young female resident when she went for an evening walk, and then text her about it afterwards. She recently returned from abroad and is self-quarantining, but allowed to go for a walk after checking the rules. He was obviously trying to catch her out for breaking the rules so he could report back to the landlady. The girl in question was freaked out and is terrified of him, and reached out to the landlady for support, but she's been so suckered in by him that she essentially fobbed her off.
A previous time we did complain as a group, she responded by saying "there have never been so many problems", indicating we were at fault.. The reality is that there are no problems. We have no idea how to handle this, and I think he's a genuine sociopath. We used to love living here and really don't want to move.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[AverageBloke]

Oh just one other point, one option we've been discussing is to write a letter to the landlady, however we're concerned it could backfire and she'll immediately go on the defensive, as we have no idea to what level she's been manipulated. I had some experience dealing with a sociopath at a previous job, but my interaction with him was minimal so was only an issue for those on his team and colleagues who had to work with him. This is the first time I've had to live with one, and he's always in the building (he works in Online Marketing and works from his room). The icing on the cake is that his flat overlooks the front driveway, and we know he's always checking on our comings and goings.

 

[jbartram_7]

He sounds like a paranoid self appointed cop, who is very afraid of his own resident security. He doesn't really sound like a sociopath as a sociopath would not be interested in anyone's activities.

He might be threatened by emotions that you all naturally have. Imagine his perfect world. Would it be to be alone in the house, or would it be that all of you acted military perfect?

Involving the landlady is risky and he took the risk and won. It would be inappropriate for the landlady to have to deal with everyone the same way she deals with him.

If you want your house to be funner or looser, I dont see a way you can defeat his stiff standards unless you satisfy him. It doesn't look like he's going to change his behavior on his own.

He may be obsessive, that he works during the day and when he comes home he has nothing better to do than police you guys.

He may look at himself as a sort of officer of father figure. I assume this guy is older than the rest of you.

Whether you like it or not, I suggest that the way around his behavior is to make him feel appreciated and satisfied so that he relaxes. People tend to relax when they feel like they have completed a mission.

He obviously understand the "pet" game.

It will be very uncomfortable for the rest of you to play his game, but it may show him that you respect him, whether you do or not, and it might leverage him to be easier on you guys.

Maybe throw a party for him or buy him a bunch of alcohol as a present. I suggest you might be able to flatter him into kindness if you leave him unusual amounts of gifts at his front door with thank you cards. He couldn't possibly complain about that.

Just a suggestion. I am not a clinician, but I have studied sociology. He sounds like he keeps his life in strict order and is "blameless." You can't compromise someone's morals, but you can win his favor with some flattery.

If he really is the "pet." One approach would be to become his "pet" to satisfy his desire for hierarchy.

If he is a pervert and dangerous, you still might not be able to get him in trouble if he has a great reputation. In that case you might have a sort of white collar type drama, which could be very dangerous and extracting him might be impossible.

Overall, I suggest that the best way to defeat anyone is at their own game. You can beat pretty much anyone if you can satisfy them. IMO. That's how the US beat Gorbechov, and ended the cold war, with good intentions.

I admit that I do have games of my own, and when people play along with me I usually let them win or reward them for respecting me.

This is just my idea if how to handle it from a sociological approach.

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[AverageBloke]

I genuinely appreciate your response, albeit some of the suggested solutions would not be appropriate. He may not be a sociopath, I'm an IT professional by trade and have only started reading into such things due to our current situation. However he most definitely has an anti-social personality disorder of some sort, and from what I've read, shows at least some sociopath traits.

As previously mentioned, I was served an eviction notice out of the blue, after he had informed the somewhat elderly and gullible landlady that I'd been getting drunk in communal areas and intimidating female housemates (absolute nonsense). She subsequently reversed the decision after the female flats in the house made it clear they found the accusation hilarious. However one other reason behind the eviction was behind him reporting on a private conversation I'd had, where I mentioned the "handyman" (who is the landlady's son) was a tad useless, because when I initially moved in he had only put half the screws into the flat-pack wardrobe in my room and a few hinges upside down, so the entire thing fell apart within a week. He had also taken the unused screws with him so I had to waste time locating and purchasing the correct replacements to fix the thing myself.

Although he's targeted some of the weaker housemates (younger girls), I don't think he's a pervert, as is pantomime level camp, and although this is just an assumption, suspect he bats for the other team. This isn't an issue of course, but suspect his motives lie elsewhere in regards to the stalking etc. Throwing him a party or buying him alcohol (which I've never seen him consume) are genuinely not realistic options. Previously when I attempted to be social with him, as I do with all tenants, I detected a vibe of disinterest from him and something abnormal about our conversations that I couldn't place my finger on, but knew very quickly it didn't feel right.

Unless anyone has a brainwave, and he doesn't move out on his own accord (he seems oblivious), I'll admit defeat and go through the painful hassle of moving out, fish tanks and all. Oh and to answer your previous question, I suspect he's about my age, mid 30s, as are some of the other couples and flats, but there are a few younger girls in the house, who he seems more openly vicious against. He has never targeted me openly, but only via feeding the landlady disinformation to such an extent she temporarily felt the need to evict me.

 

[AverageBloke]

Oh and the private conversation I had, that was reported to the landlady, wasn't with him. I was in the kitchen and he must have literally had his ear up against his door to overhear what we were saying. This is not a normal person. The girl he followed during her evening walk is from Belgium and in her early 20s, and the other girl of a similar age in the flat at the top of the building (who he reported to the landlady for walking too loudly up the stairs, I kid you not) tried to convince her to file a report to the police, but she's just a kid and shouldn't be needing to do this kind of thing.

 

[jbartram_7]

He sounds like he's a very miserable person, not in touch with any sort of enjoyment? Is there anything he enjoys? Maybe he's not the kind of person to address at all. I don't recommend that you tangle with him. He might be vicious to the young girls out of jealousy or hatred for their vividness.

I assume he's either a very old man or he's been hurt his whole life by bullies.

Any real digging into this would end up in an inescapable relationship, but maybe deep wisdom with it. He is probably a very clingy person of he were to ever be sociable. It's best not to "convert" him. But maybe have a philosophical discussion with him or persist in showing him that you value him. Maybe buy him a modest coat he would look good in? Even if he throws it away it would be a sign of good intentions that he's probably not receiving.

He obviously values his brain activity, neatness, politeness, and pethood. His ideal world may be unlivable for most people, and he is obviously trying to impose it on everyone. He is obviously very uncomfortable with people relaxing as he refuses to relax himself.

I suggest he is an I intellect lover.

I suppose if you dont want to move out, all you can do is acknowledge what it's like to live in pretty much any sort of shared house. You might not get a better deal, but you might. It may be possible to say "this is how it is?"

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[jbartram_7]

Please don't be offended. I'm a chronic problem solver, and it's covid, I'm not getting out much.

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[AverageBloke]

Please don't be offended. I'm a chronic problem solver, and it's covid, I'm not getting out much.

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Buy him a coat? He's an intellect lover? Have a philosophical discussion with him? I'm suspecting he's tracked me down and you are him! Joking aside, I have great conversations with the other housemates, including amateur quantum physics and subsequent multi-verse theories with the maths teacher in the downstairs flat, and I've attempted to engage this emotionless automaton in casual discussion, and it's a nope. He's an ice cold bundle of deception subroutines and fakeness, and anything you do or say that he can use, will be twisted beyond recognition and sent to the landlady. But seriously, from what I've described you suspect he's an intellect lover and I should buy him a coat? That's comedy. Are you completely au-fait with what is socially acceptable yourself? You're a chronic problem solver? If you're attempting to learn how to mimic emotions better by dabbling in such a forum, I'll help you for a price, but that was outlandishly bizarre and exposed a serious lack of genuine understanding of how normal empaths think and feel. I don't do offence by the way.

 

[jbartram_7]

Well. I play startegy games, and I've found no one to be 100% unapproachable. I have an idea that there's a reason for all behavior. I'm a naiive unaccomplished 32 year old male, completely not age appropriate. I'm a suck up myself, and I was trying to tell you that suck ups love other suck ups. Please do not buy him a coat. I would feel terrible if you did. This guy might be a very dangerous sadist more than a sociopath.

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[jbartram_7]

Honestly I was just trying to save you the hassle of moving. But I really don't know.

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