Abusive brother..?

Sep 2021
Hi forum, so my brother has always been an alcoholic from the age of 12, he's now 37. Over the past few years his mental health has been declining more and more and he's been increasingly erratic. My parents and I believe he has brain damage, and each time he drinks he's getting pains in his stomach and back indicating it's killing him.

The other night he was kicking at the door, screaming and shouting at the neighbours. My dad is the only one who can drive so he took him home, where my brother grabbed the steering wheel of the car and tried to crash it with them both in it. He then started punching the car inside and when they got out he started trying to punch my dad. My dad got him on the floor and ran away, he's 60 years old. This resulted in my dad having a heart attack, and is currently staying in the hospital. He will need to quit his job, and stop driving so often.

I told my friend who is currently with my brother (mutual friend) that i never want to see him again and used some choice words. My friend immediately passed this onto my brother who came at me with insults, calling me a rodent amongst other thigs. I shouldn't have, but I bit back and told him he was nothing to me and a stranger, that I didn't want to see his face again and i'd make sure my mum was safe and as far away as possible from him.

My brother is 8 years older than me and twice the size, i'm a young woman and he has threatened me with baseball bats, knives, yelled in my face, grabbed me by the throat, grabbed me by the hair.

I'm angry mostly, disappointed. It hurts but this has been years of abuse from him and we never formed a relationship despite him being at the house often due to my parents.

I keep trying to tell my parents to stop babying him and stop running after him, they pay everything for him, he stays rent free at my dads house because my mum and dad seperated (back together now), he calls up when drunk and once told my mum to go die after my grandmother passed away.

Was I right to finally speak up for myself? How do I deal with the pain? I'm not in agony, this has been a long time coming, but i'm apprehensive and I feel a little sick.

Thanks for the advice.
Aug 2021
Austin, TX
At this time it may be too late for your brother to rebuild his life. Please do not cut him out, you may not have much time, and may have many regrets if you completely terminate the relationship. Your brother is probably the product of the way your parents raised him, and probably nothing you can do will change their attitudes toward one another in this dysfunctional relationship. For your sake try to be the adult in the room and keep the relationships open, even if at arms length because if you do not you may feel intense grief and guilt when they are gone...If you have any influence, try to get your brother off the booze and help your parents see that they are enabling him to live this way...not confrontationally, but informally and as information. If they do not listen to you, do not become discouraged, keep trying in an attitude of love...
Good luck,